AT A GLANCE: THIS IS THE WORST (read: WORST) Doom WAD I have EVER PLAYED in my ENTIRE LIFE. Never in all of my years of Doom playing/editing have I ever seen a more flagrant display of shit and sacrilege amassed together in one terrible, terrible WAD. Oh, yeah - King_REoL, I am SO SORRY that I said that your wad was THE WORST WAD that I have ever played - this God-awful piece of compiled binary feces is the king of all terrible wads. I wish that I have never laid eyes on such a horrible, disgusting creation - the image of this map is forever scarred in my mind.
From the (VERY LONG) text file -
OH, GOD, I HOPE SO.
"This is the STRANGEST wad ever made. Most of the action takes place in a cube 8192x8192x8192 in size.. A two-year production with more new graphics than any other PWAD in the known galaxy. Built using monomolecular technology in DEU! (Grid size 4:1 is still too small [sigh])"
You're tellin' me it's the strangest wad ever made - there aren't enough words in the English Language to describe how "strange" this wad is, and that's putting it really mildly.
"Known Bugs: This WAD reaches the limits of DOOM. I had to hand optimise it to get it to run without crashing. There is no known HOM and you can save the game. There are now THREE bugs."
Oh, how WONDERFUL. But without the bugfixes, I'm sure it wouldn't have made a difference.
"1. The Cyberdemon seems to die easily, it gets burnt by its own rockets."
"2. The level is now officially Too Big, and DOS may crash when you quit the program."
Well, JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, "Doug the Eagle", why the hell would you even make a map (much less release one) that would crash goddamn DOS, MORON?
" 2. I forgot to put rule 6 in. :-)"
It's a crate room... on ACID.
You also forgot to put bugfix "3" in, jackass. Learn to count.
I feel that I should also mention that this wad takes ten billion steps to install, and isn't an easy "open ZIP and extract" procedure. I also didn't play with the DeHacked patch that was included, for fear that the full horror of the map would be awakened (and plus ZDoom wouldn't run it. What? I'm not gonna reinstall Doom just to play this hunk of shit!).
"I like classical music with Doom. Try to imagine what Bach would think if he knew about this!!"
Oh, boy, WILL I!
BACH: Those invalids did WHAT with my beautiful concierto?!? NOOOOO!! *Beats head in with a blunt object, shoves nails in his ears, stabs self*
THE MAP: There is entirely too much to say about the map, so I'll summarize my homicidal rage as much as possible.
You start in a BIG FUCKING ROOM with test-pattern colors EVERYWHERE, a scrolling marquee in your face about the shitty map, and BACH'S CONCERTO BLASTING IN YOUR EARS. It also takes about 4 hours to reach any end of this room, so you can forget about trying to finish this map as quickly as possible. Through the first couple of doors, you encounter a hallway with impassable walls that stuff can phase through, and imps shooting at you from strategically (read: MORONICALLY) placed alcoves on the sides. Once you get through that, you run into a room with a bunch of zombies, and with scrolling walls, so that you can't ever find your way out. I don't know what kind of funhouse the authors have built, but God damnit, I'm not having ANY kind of fun whatsoever.
From that awful room you can go to a room with tons of Spectres and Spider Demons, a lost soul killing spree, or get launched into space and fight a Baron of Hell. Folks, I must have blanked out at this particular time, 'cause I forget what the hell happens after this part - I must have had a seizure from frantically trying to figure a way out of the level and end my pathetic existence.
But even though I don't remember what comes next I sure as hell remember what else is in this shitstorm of Jackson Pollock-influenced crap (and Jackson Pollock was a SHITTY artist - I don't care what the FUCK you damn hippies say. I can pour paint in my asshole and fart some damn better paintings than that fucker). Another part of this map includes horrible Windows 3.11 windows for textures, a "Stairway to Heaven" (which is nicely placed, I might add - even the authors consider this map to be Hell), fights above the Beginning Box on multicolored blocks that almost made my laptop screen explode and my vision fail, and a CRATE ROOM (God knows we Doomers just love such creative touches like CRATE ROOMS) but this time, it has colors spattered EVERYWHERE, making it even more unbearable than usual. And I suppose that there's also a "Great God Imp", but since I didn't load the damn DeHacked patch, I didn't meet his sorry face.
Oh, just my fucking luck...
I couldn't stay alive long enough in this map to even figure out how to get out, even with CHEATING. I have looked EVERYWHERE, and I still couldn't find an exit. THIS IS THE WORST MAP EVER.
GAMEPLAY: What do you say about a map like this? Sure it definitely was surreal, I'll give the authors that much - I actually do enjoy a break from the norm, but CHRIST - if you make anything surreal, at least make it possible to beat! Most of the time that I've spent playing this map involved me, a tackhammer, and me hitting my head with said tackhammer screaming, "GOD NO! THESE IMAGES WON'T GET OUT! THE AWFUL MEMORIES! GAAAAHHHH!!!"
So, there is no gameplay. None that I have experienced.
FUN FACTOR: If you're a masochist for every kind of pain imaginable, including both physical pain AND emotional pain, then this map is a fucking carnival for the senses.
THE BOTTOM LINE: Look at these screenshots, and then tell me that it couldn't get any worse. I dare you.
- Endless Stairs
- I'm FIGHTING IN SPACE!!
- Windows threw up.
- Oh, there will be a murder alright - WHERE ARE YOU, DOUG AND KANSAM??
- Multicolored PEG STAIRS.
- Uh, no it isn't, MORON.
ratings go from 0 (bearable) to -10 (painfully terrible).
Total score goes from 0 (ok) to -50 (the worst piece of shit you'll ever play).