AT A GLANCE: "Puke Express" by "HerPes_UK" lives up to its name, and like most terrible UT2K3 maps,
it didn't have a "preview" picture in the game menus, making the sheer awfulness of the map hit me like a
sack of quarters as soon as Unreal got past the "Loading" screen. And then, after I recovered from a case of
what I'd like to call "Eye Explosion Syndrome," I wiped the blood off my laptop screen so that I can finally
play the map, and have my head and bowels explode.
DESCRIPTION: No text file. Actually, I don't think ANY text file could prepare me for this cluster of
THE MAP: Puke Express is a square-shaped map that is sectioned off into four areas of equal size. Simple,
right? What I forgot to mention were the bobbing sections of floor that cover approximately 90% of each
section. This must be the "puke" part of "Puke Express," since I immediately felt the map's namesake crawl
up my throat and into my mouth after taking a couple of steps upon them and experiencing a great deal
motion-sickness and map-sickness.
If you can manage to get up onto the zone separators, you are greeted with a Redeemer that will kill
everyone in the map, two Kegs 'O Health, and two Super Shields. You also are able to pick up an Instagib
Shock Rifle, because Goddammit, a shitty map just isn't a shitty map without an equippable Instagib Shock
Rifle. I mean, what the fuck is so terrible about the regular Shock Rifle? Oh, wait, I forgot - the
first rule of shitty Unreal Tournament 2003 map making is "You must put at least one Instagib Shock Rifle in
the map in an easy, obtainable place," and HerPes_UK, British venereal disease of the UT map making
community, has fulfilled this easy task. WONDERFUL FUCKING JOB.
When you play this map (after you have survived the initial loading), you might be wondering what that
freaky-looking thing is floating around the ceiling of the map. Well, to tell you the truth, I have no
fucking clue what the hell that thing is either, or who the fuck that cretin is on it, other than the fact
that he is "The Boss." "The Boss of what," you might ask? Probably the boss of Moronic Chunderheads
Anonymous, responsible for giving HerPes_UK the job of creating one of the worst Unreal Tournament maps
ever, and who also is responsible for making me contemplate suicide after bouncing around this map too much
like two fat people engaged in coitus on a spring-loaded waterbed.
What the hell?
GAMEPLAY: The map could be fun for a couple of seconds, but soon after, you'll be praying to God for a quick
death to avoid having to introduce your keyboard to yesterday's dinner and this morning's brunch. They'll
also be getting re-acquainted again and again, too - until they bring along their dear friend Blood after
the fifth meeting or so. Naturally, bots play the map well enough for me to get envious of them for not
being able to feel pain. Fuckers.
FUN FACTOR: Oh, I'm having fun. Look at me. See? Look at me having fun. This is me having fun. *slits
throat from ear to ear*
THE BOTTOM LINE: I hate this map. I hate everyone who would like this map. I hate HerPes_UK for making this map,
and I hate "The Boss," whoever the fuck he is. This review is over.
ratings go from 0 (bearable) to -10 (painfully terrible).
Total score goes from 0 (ok) to -50 (the worst piece of shit you'll ever play).