AT A GLANCE: "Puke Express" by "HerPes_UK" lives up to its name, and like most terrible UT2K3 maps, it didn't have a "preview" picture in the game menus, making the sheer awfulness of the map hit me like a sack of quarters as soon as Unreal got past the "Loading" screen. And then, after I recovered from a case of what I'd like to call "Eye Explosion Syndrome," I wiped the blood off my laptop screen so that I can finally play the map, and have my head and bowels explode.

DESCRIPTION: No text file. Actually, I don't think ANY text file could prepare me for this cluster of compiled horror.

THE MAP: Puke Express is a square-shaped map that is sectioned off into four areas of equal size. Simple, right? What I forgot to mention were the bobbing sections of floor that cover approximately 90% of each section. This must be the "puke" part of "Puke Express," since I immediately felt the map's namesake crawl up my throat and into my mouth after taking a couple of steps upon them and experiencing a great deal motion-sickness and map-sickness.

If you can manage to get up onto the zone separators, you are greeted with a Redeemer that will kill everyone in the map, two Kegs 'O Health, and two Super Shields. You also are able to pick up an Instagib Shock Rifle, because Goddammit, a shitty map just isn't a shitty map without an equippable Instagib Shock Rifle. I mean, what the fuck is so terrible about the regular Shock Rifle? Oh, wait, I forgot - the first rule of shitty Unreal Tournament 2003 map making is "You must put at least one Instagib Shock Rifle in the map in an easy, obtainable place," and HerPes_UK, British venereal disease of the UT map making community, has fulfilled this easy task. WONDERFUL FUCKING JOB.

What the hell?

When you play this map (after you have survived the initial loading), you might be wondering what that freaky-looking thing is floating around the ceiling of the map. Well, to tell you the truth, I have no fucking clue what the hell that thing is either, or who the fuck that cretin is on it, other than the fact that he is "The Boss." "The Boss of what," you might ask? Probably the boss of Moronic Chunderheads Anonymous, responsible for giving HerPes_UK the job of creating one of the worst Unreal Tournament maps ever, and who also is responsible for making me contemplate suicide after bouncing around this map too much like two fat people engaged in coitus on a spring-loaded waterbed.

GAMEPLAY: The map could be fun for a couple of seconds, but soon after, you'll be praying to God for a quick death to avoid having to introduce your keyboard to yesterday's dinner and this morning's brunch. They'll also be getting re-acquainted again and again, too - until they bring along their dear friend Blood after the fifth meeting or so. Naturally, bots play the map well enough for me to get envious of them for not being able to feel pain. Fuckers.