AT A GLANCE: Fullbright? Check. Roughly four textures used throughout the entire map? Check. Broken English in the readme file? Check. Floating platforms? Check. Yup, sounds like another textbook case of a 14 year old stumbling his way into the Half Life 2 map editor.

DESCRIPTION: From the map's readme file:

Sky Walk City is a Huge City with Floating side walks everyWhere.and with cars to drive with. it is going to have a lot more weapons in the upcoming version!

Thanks, but no thanks. I really have to take a shit right now to be quite honest. And the last time I held a shit for a game was for Super Mario World. I was in the last castle and I nearly crapped my pants. After beating Bowser I finally went to the bathroom. As I was sitting down the turd was actually on it's way out. I sat down in time for it to hit the water and splash all of that lovely toilet water on my ass. It was a photo finish.

THE MAP: In Futurama, you know when Fry, Leela, and Bender go down to the sewers under New New York and find Old New York? This map looks kind of like that, except, you know, without any atmosphere, creativity, or imagination. Skywalk City is basically a bunch of rectangles with the "Generic Building #2" texture looped over and over again. To top it off the whole thing is stuck in a hollowed out cube. There are some vehicles that the map's creator has so generously provided for us that we can, as he puts it, "drive with". I was about to wear them on my head as a hat but now that you mention it, I think I'll drive them. There is also a giant screen that displays what is going on in one corner of the map that I have dubbed "THE EXCITEMENT ZONE!!!" where you can often see nothing doing what it does best. The screen gives the map this sort of Times Square feeling that a lot of maps are sorely missing these days. To top it all off the sidewalk has sort of liberated itself from the ground is now floating in the air because 14 year old map makers love floating platforms.

At least it's more fun than Silent Hill 4.

GAMEPLAY: I love maps with absolutely no sense of scale and when you play them it feels like you're having one of those dreams where you're trying to run but your legs are made of rubber and you're not getting anywhere. I hope you do too, because Skywalk City delivers in spades. Make it big and make it pointless is my motto. Forget intricate tunnels and detailed passageways with strategically placed shadows to hide and sneak up on the enemy. I WANT BIG EMPTY SPACES TO SHOOT GUNS IN. You know why the multiplayer mode in Splinter Cell: Pandora Tomorrow never caught on? Because it didn't take place in a giant cube. I'm sorry but everything is better in a giant cube. In Splinter Cell maps the player must make excruciatingly hard decisions like whether to turn left or right, or climb a ladder. Not so in Skywalk City! There's no need to think here. And we all know how much Half Life 2 fans hate to think. Just keep on walking straight. Occasionally you may need to turn around and go the opposite way, which may be too advanced for some Half Life 2 players.

The average deathmatch session on Skywalk City goes something like this. Players join, they all say "this shit sucks you faggot", and leave. You eventually quit and go masturbate on a piece of toast and eat it. I can't wait until the next version with a lot more weapons!