AT A GLANCE:

I like blue! I fuck Smurfs! Welcome to Smurfette's vulva!

"The Pit of Despair" is so effective, despair leaks over into all other surrounding areas of the map. "Chock Full O' Despair" might be a more appropriate name.

DESCRIPTION: "This level centers around an active volcano (the Pit of Despair)!! If you're feeling a bit gutsy, you can attempt a very difficult leap onto the hovering platform just above the gaping maw of the pit. If you make it, you've got yourself a BFG. If you don't, you've just spattered at the bottom of the pit or been cooked alive by a volcanic eruption! Or, if that just isn't your thing, you can go snag a hyperblaster, rocketlauncher, railgun, or whatever else may seem appropriete at the time, off in one of the many other caverns."

Let's run this through the patented "Cranky Steve Translation System":

"This 'level' centers around a big hole that randomly features a gigantic, lava penis erupting from it. If you're feeling a bit gutsy, you can attempt to play this map without requiring a new set of prescription glasses afterwards. There's a BFG on a platform over the gigantic, Freudian hole in the middle of the map, but you won't be able to get it (ha ha, I am clever). If getting the BFG isn't your thing, you can grab some weapons I threw into the map as an afterthought. They're all around the place. Don't ask me where."

Oh yeah, the map's text file also claims deathmatch is for 2-8 players and is "Fun fun fun!" Anybody who's ever read one of my reviews before knows that the definition of "fun" varies from person to person. In this mapmaker's case, I assume he thinks things like staring at mulch could be considered "fun".

THE MAP:

This would be the "Pit of Despair", I assume

You start off in some big ass area with an even bigger-ass hole in the middle. The BFG is here, but there's no way to get it without cheating. Yet another clever mapmaking "trick", much like the "fake platform that dunks you into lava", the "pool of acid pillar that crushes you", and the infamous "map that could be good but actually turns out to be warmed over dogshit." This kind of stuff, ladies and gentlemen, gives new life to the Quake 2 scene, kind of like how the headcrabs in Half Life gave new life to dead soldiers. It's awkward, stupid looking, and wanders around aimless until somebody kills it.

As mentioned before, there are "caverns", which are basically square rooms with a rock texture slapped on them. There are the Quake 2 Crates (TM) and a bit of lava in some of these rooms. Sometimes the Quake 2 Crates (TM) and lava work together, stripping the last remaining bit of dignity and fun from this map. The main cave features what I call "realistic lighting", meaning "lighting that would realistically suck if actually implemented."

Mapflow seems to be the author's enemy, as rooms are large, boring, and usually go nowhere. And don't even get me started on the room where the floor is made up of entirely translucent textures...

GAMEPLAY: Long, hard, and dull. I'll let you readers create your own jokes from that material, I'm too lazy.