AT A GLANCE:
I honestly don't know what to say about this "map". It is of course a travesty and will probably be blamed for a serial killer's streak of carnage. It is one of the most insidious and evil game levels I have ever played, but beyond that my ability to comprehend and describe it fails. It is a horrendous piece of shit -- to think that it took TWO people to make it is also extremely troubling: one of them MUST have known that they were making crap.
is the doorway to HELL
and it glows like a Grateful
Dead mod for UNREAL.
I think that the authors were thinking of Unreal when they drummed up this incantation of the Devil. They seemingly wanted to use the Quake2 engine to create a multicolored expulsion of rancid fecal butt gas straight into the face of anyone dumb enough to download this ticket to a psychiatric ward. On that level, they succeeded: the map is seems to be unplayable.
DESCRIPTION: The information text's "map description" segment is immediately filled with Omens of Woe:
"Crafty puzzle at start. with blue machine gun room. BOSS2 bloke in there somewhere. and solider can you get through that glass???"
The answer is NO. Because I DON'T CARE. Why? Well to start with, the text goes on to list "The Likes of...
"ApK: curries, rhona mitra, harddrives motherboards and screw drivers.
tKt: angella rippem a new one, tea cosies bamboo shoots, and lip stick."
Aye, I think we're thinking the same thing; FAGOTRY that has NOTHING WHAT SO EVER TO DO with Quake. But my true Digustometer was finally thrown into high gain mode by the following passage:
ApK sends his thanx & ellos out to... mELOn (funkin' groovy stuff m8t!), nFA (wheres freak gone?), C0C0 (you cake killer!), gEG (cheers 4 the COKE!), AOL (F**K OFF!), burger king (4 a tasty chicken feast!)
TkT big shouts goin' out in the general direction of ... pureEvil, nOOOn, melon, C0C0, not forgettin' the pRODiGy."
Yes -- you get the picture at this point; I refuse to be a party to nonsense like this. The whole package is indisputable evidence that our culture is in grave danger as long as people like these two Godless savages have access to the Internet and the tools to make more of this shit ... the prospect of them breeding (I think one of them is a girl) needs to be brought to the attention of the International War Crimes Tribunal at the Hague before the fact less they give birth to a future psychotic. Perhaps the UN can enforce some kind of quarantine or forced sterilization.
The player starts out in the very bowels of Hell itself, and Hell is glowing with every shade of the rainbow all at once. You start out inside of this tiny room with columns and a shootable button in the ceiling -- this is the "crafty puzzle at the start", and you had better get it right the first time because the authors have slyly devised a way to insure that one of the buttons works only once -- if you screw up you have to start the map over again. I hate puzzles. They are worse than mazes. They say one thing about the level author: they DESPISE actually playing Quake and instead like to do things like shoot buttons in a particular sequence and timing and run up stupid alternating platforms or make ridiculous jumping combinations do anything else that insures that the player:
not even going to dignify
that comment with a
1) gets frustrated
If you can manage to make it into the "Blue Machine Gun Room" (I call it the BLUE MASTURBATION BOX) you are rewarded with a machine gun. You run out of the box and then are confronted with a barrier of unbreakable glass, beyond which appears to be another larger box serving as a dark blue-lit room with a sky textured ceiling.
2) deletes the map
3) deletes Quake from their drive and breaks the install CD into tiny bits, then:
4) goes to the nearest highway and throws his or her self in front of the first 18 wheeler that rumbles by.
What happens after that in the level I do not know-- I cannot figure how to make the glass open and have abandoned this map to what Ronald Reagan referred to as The Ash Heap of History. It's not because I'm lame or suck at Quake or can't think because I'm too stoned or whatever: there simply is no way to get around it without turning your clipping off and cheating. But then (according to the text doc) there is supposedly a "Boss2 bloke" (I think that goddamn flying thing with the arms) waiting there for you and your little popgun (no ammo provided). So you'll have to cheat again if you want to even bother engaging the bastard.
GAMEPLAY: The map has one shitty little puzzle that has a bug in it and only works once. There is one Guard to shoot. After that whatever happens is anyone's guess. I was out of there, yo.
FUN FACTOR: None. Zero. Fohgetaboutit. Notta. Zip. Nill. 5u><0r5. (LOUD FARTING SOUND)
THE BOTTOM LINE: I know I'm a quitter and gave up too soon (after what seemed like at least 15 mins of trying to get beyond the glass -- if there is a way please email me and I'll amend this review to note that you can get past the glass but I have a life to live and if I kill myself there is going to be a lawsuit involved.
ratings go from 0 (bearable) to -10 (painfully terrible).
Total score goes from 0 (ok) to -50 (the worst piece of shit you'll ever play).