AT A GLANCE: Time Temple is a very horrible map. It is a very, very, very, very horrible map. So much so that I almost cried while playing it.

Even if you tried, you couldn't run this map from the "Skirmish" or "Multiplayer" menus - Quake will fail at trying to find the file, just because there's a space in the BSP file name. But since I needed to play the map in order to write this damn review, I bravely typed in "map "time temple"" at the console and mashed ENTER. Nothing prepared me for what I was about to see (except for the loading screen pic, but who trusts that shit, anyway?).

DESCRIPTION: The author supplied no text file, so I'll just grab the description from the website I found this shitty map.

"TIME TEMPLE is a 3 room map with a large arena area the two adjencent rooms serve up death.The main arena offer high places to shoot down from well enough said check it out on the release date."

Now, let's break this down - "TIME TEMPLE is a 3 room map with a large arena area the two adjencent rooms serve up death." Besides an obvious faux pas in grammar, this map certainly has three rooms in it, and, yes, two of those rooms "serve up death." Oh, so much death do those two rooms serve - mostly because a lot of players end up getting tossed into the lava in each of them. "The main arena offer high places to shoot down from well enough said check it out on the release date." Even more bad grammar. Part of me hopes that English is this cretin's second language, but now that I took a look at one of his "favorite maps" and since his webpage is entitled "QUAKE III FRAG TILL YA DRAG!!", I now think that this guy must be retarded. Enough of this inane drivel. On to the map!

Cool! Portraits of the "Missing Texture" picture!

THE MAP: The layout of this map is far from decent. The middle of the map is a high-altitude room with jump-pads on the ground, similar to that of the "Vomitorium" in Rise of the Triad, only not as numerous in the amount of jump-pads, but with just as much map aesthetics. The jump-pads send you to little ledges in the corners of the map, where various goodies and powerups are. It is up on these ledges that you will find a railgun, so you can stay up on those ledges and snipe to your heart's content, or until you commit suicide after realizing how much time you spent playing this turd-pile.

The main texture in this map seems to be the all-too-familiar "Missing Texture" texture, because the author obviously didn't feel like putting that texture in the levelshot in with the PK3. Of course the author was only thinking about himself, because others who download this map are greeted with the painful-to-the-eyes black and white grid of doom, whereas, he, the author, will see an ugly, green, not-so-hard-on-the-eyes texture. Fuck you, author.

The first of the two side-areas is a staircase that leads to a ledge, with pools of lava on either side of it. I tell ya, nothing says "quality" better than lava pools, ladies and gents. Actually, nothing really says "quality" in any of the maps reviewed here at Cranky Steve's Haunted Whorehouse, so I guess that's no fucking surprise.

HOLY FUCK! I LOVE JUMPING PUZZLES!

The second of the two side-areas is one big, fat jumping puzzle surrounded by lightning-y lava that slows your computer down to a crawl. Folks, this is where this map truely shines - the author put in one of the most hated scenarios of FPS players everywhere right in his fucking map. I don't think I need to elaborate on this part of the map any further.

GAMEPLAY: Not very good at all, I must say. Because of the sheer awfulness of the side areas, most of the fragging takes place in the center room, and we already know how terrible the center room is already. Nope. No gameplay at all. If there was such a thing as "Gameplay" in this map, you would hear it from me first.