I occasionally receive IMs from people who ask “why do I have you on my buddy list?” Most of the time I don’t have them on my buddy list, so I have no idea why I am on theirs. I will make up something like “I bought weed from your mom” or “You! You owe me back child support!” and then I never hear from them again. Mission accomplished. In the case of the astonishingly gullible and/or high Ansel89, I had to literally take him to hell to get him to leave me alone.
MURDERCHURCH! Ansel89: hay
Ansel89: yo i am just cleani my buddies list out and i dont kno why u are on her
Ansel89: hey i don't want to just del you so say something
Zack: Greetings Brother
Ansel89: lolo duse why are you on my list???
Zack: From blackest sepulcher of haterapes, I greet you. We are one beneath the compound eyes of Xogoth the Monstrolith.
Zack: Ansel, I extend my hand of red to you in kinship. You are my brother in MURDERCHURCH.
Ansel89: uhhhhhhhh *shakes hans*
Zack: Greetings Brother!
Zack: I have missed you at our meetings, Ansel.
Ansel89: wtf what meetings
Zack: On that star spun night of dread auspices, you stood before the altar of Xogoth and took the oath to become one with the flock. To join us in malevolent matrimony as a brother of the forever burning MURDERCHURCH.
Ansel89: lol no i didnt
Zack: You did! You drank deeply of the heartsblood. You had a sex with a black cat.
Zack: Do you not remember your vows? To uphold the three pillars of MURDERCHURCH?
Zack: Pillar one: murder the Christians sheep
Zack: Pillar two: partake the unholy sacrament of MURDER
Zack: Pillar three: drink blood from MURDERS
Ansel89: wait where are you?
Zack: The unhallowed black heath of Solomor, kissed with hoarfrost from the frozen heart of blackest murder.
Ansel89: lool ok says ilinois in your prof
Zack: It's a suburb of Peoria.
Zack: I can Google Map it if you don't believe me.
Ansel89: no im from indiana but i go drinking in illinois sometimes
Zack: YES! You drink the heartsblood! You quaff the red wine of the innocents! You imbibe the liquid crimson philter of ruin!
Ansel89: lol wtf no keystone
Zack: There were some refreshments before the ceremony. Josh brought a cooler.
Ansel89: wait was this at the fairgrounds
Zack: YES! The forsaken pavilion normally claimed by 4H. We had it from 8PM to the Witching Hour and then it was midnight movies. At ten till midnight, when the darkest shroud of unholy nights gripped the land, we inducted you.
Ansel89: was sal there?
2 PM: Steven J. accidentally drops his vintage Trapper Keeper, revealing erotic drawings of the ‘bunny girls’ emoji. The room draws silent. Slowly, member after member opens his/her notebooks and tablets, revealing dozens of pages of bunny girl emoji fanart. The room votes 12-0 never to speak of this again.
He was ripped off for True Detective, now Thomas Ligotti is being asked to review Pizza Hut's new Hotdog Pizza Bites.
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