A simple case of mistaken identity and borderline mental handicap lead a young woman to seek me for diet tips to increase her bust. I don't know why these people message me or how they find me, but they come from a planet where people breathe 10% oxygen and 90% stupid.
LD_angel8ys: its me again E=B
LD_angel8ys: matty [ed: someone I've never heard of] is going tomorrow so i dont think ill go
LD_angel8ys: u there rissa???
LD_angel8ys: NE way u goin??
Zack: I would rather die in a sewer full of burning shit.
LD_angel8ys: lol i kno right fuck matty E=B
LD_angel8ys: so wassup tonite bebs
Zack: I was eating a cheeseburger delight.
LD_angel8ys: whats that
Zack: You know a cheeseburger, right?
LD_angel8ys: lol yea
LD_angel8ys: everybody does
Zack: Cheeseburger delight is like that, but faster.
LD_angel8ys: what u on a diet?? bebs u look fine
LD_angel8ys: u losin wait?
Zack: Not technically. Cheeseburger delight moves weight around to better places.
LD_angel8ys: think I kno what u mean
It's working! They got me! Ohhhhhh, it's working! Zack: I have a little bump forming on my side. In a few weeks it should be big enough for me to paint it like a turtle in a holster. A wee torty tort in a kidney papoose.
LD_angel8ys: thats cool havent heard of that diet tho
Zack: I got it from a book called SECRETS.
LD_angel8ys: think i saw that at broders
Zack: It's more of a folio. All of the pages are loose sheets cut into circles and mounted on a spindle. Like CDs.
LD_angel8ys: thats wierd
Zack: Actually they ARE CDs. The book is written on them, but not ON them. I opened a couple in my computer and they're full of out of focus pictures of three old women camping and weird MIDI files that are just 9999 seconds of one repeating note. The book part is written on the outside.
LD_angel8ys: is it a diet book?
Zack: Yes, all diets. Covering every possible reason to diet. For example, here's one entitled GOT RID OF BABY. It's for after you get rid of a baby.
Zack: Step one is "stop eating" and step two is "pop flares and chaff." Then it goes on from there.
LD_angel8ys: kelly smelly could use that lol
LD_angel8ys: kellys baby
Zack: Oh, I see. You mean because she got rid of her baby. I think they mean the other kind of baby.
LD_angel8ys: look and see if they got a diet in their to make my boob s bigger
Zack: Here's one to make your neck bigger. Step one look at a picture of an owl. Step two do that thing an owl does. It goes on. Would that work?
LD_angel8ys: no i need more up top E=P
Zack: You don't mean your neck? That's almost your very top.
LD_angel8ys: lol no
Zack: You could get your neck really big and try the cheeseburger delights to move your neck to your boobs.
Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.
Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.
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