I remember this woodcut from the last issue of Men's Health.LD_angel8ys: what are the steps for the diet

Zack: 1. REMOVE YOUR VESTMENT AND ANNOINT YOUR BODY IN THE OILS OF THE ANCESTOR

Zack: 2. DRAW THE SYMBOL OF THE WARD OF FERDOK UPON THE ALTAR IN SALT SO THAT NOTHING MAY CROSS THE THRESHOLD UNBIDDEN

LD_angel8ys: im just gettin more confused

Zack: 3. BEGIN THE CHANT OF ENTICEMENT AND THE DANCE OF SUPPLICATION

LD_angel8ys: is that like polldance workout?

Zack: Probably.

Zack: 4. OFFER THE HEART'S BLOOD OF THE GOAT AND THE BIRD TO THE FIRE

LD_angel8ys: wait what fire???

Zack: 5. WAIT FIVE TO SIX MINUTES (EIGHT AT ALTITUDES ABOVE 5,000 FEET)

Zack: 6. INVOKE THE TRUE NAME OF VORLEX TO BIND THE SPIRIT

LD_angel8ys: what fire is it talking about

Zack: Do you have Greek Fire?

Zack: Because you're going to need some. It says that and the tears of a deafmute child are the only things that wound Vorlex in his earth form

LD_angel8ys: earth form like a mud bath? mud pack? none of this makes sense is vorlex like that herpe drug?

Zack: Paraphrasing here, but it says be sure to use pure silver weapons to fight off Vorlex's nightmare host if they slip through the gate with him.

Zack: So yeah, I think it's the herpes drug.

LD_angel8ys: and how much bigger will it makes my boob?

Zack: It doesn't say exactly. It says our world will be transformed into an abattoir and the screams of mankind's dying agonies will echo through eternity.

Zack: So a cup size maybe.

LD_angel8ys: im going to die in agony?

Zack: Oh, yeah, whoops that's a risk. But you know what they say...

LD_angel8ys: no

Zack:

LD_angel8ys: ????

Zack: CHEESEBURGER DELIGHT

Zack: RED SKY AT NIGHT

ZACK: CHEESEBURGER MOURNING

Zack: SAILORS TAKE WARNING

LD_angel8ys: wtf bebs talk to me in third period tomorow

Zack: You will know me by my huge neck and the turtle on my side.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

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