Sometimes you have to go looking for a prank and sometimes, as was the case this time around, the prank mysteriously comes looking for you.

A teenage girl going by the name "Mazzy" started messaging me and being extremely friendly. I did not reply at first, but it only took a few messages before she melted my heart of ice. Thus enters my alter-ego, Achmed Owlcat, a shady Middle Eastern "potioneer" trying to unload some bottles of mule piss on an unsuspecting Canadian girl. Her reluctance to buy supposedly magical elixirs from a stranger with grammar of a baby Yoda was no match for Achmed's high-pressure sales pitch.

A-B-P: Always Be Potioneering.

Welcome to Achmed Owlcat's Potion Emporium! Mazzy: HEyyyyyyyyyyyy

Mazzy: whats up broenstein?

Zack: You want potion? I have potion!

Mazzy: potion??

Zack: You talk to Hector?

Mazzy: who is Hector?

Zack: Ehhhhhhhffff

Zack: Hector! Curse him for all of time! He try to sell potion that is WORST POTION! Too much money!

Mazzy: i dont know what your talking about

Zack: Forget, forget. Hector. I spit on his eye. I curse his children to never laugh. You want potion you come to right man.

Mazzy: you still havnt told me what your talking about

Zack: Sorry, sorry. 100,000,000 pardons, madam. I am Achmed Owlcat. Call me Crazy Owlcat! Crazy because I sell BEST potions at LOWEST price.

Mazzy: WHAT IS A POTION?

Zack: Ehhhhhhfffff

Zack: Potion I have for everything. Contain power of many herbs and enchantments in small glass vial or bottle. Has cork. You like potion? You drink potion! My potion is from most powerful and ancientest majicks in all of Arabia.

Mazzy: yeah right magical potion lol

Zack: Majicks of old different way of saying "science". Healing power of potion is not disputed. Pope of Catholics drink my potion live 99 years. Only die when stop taking potion. What you say to that?

Mazzy: watever

Zack: Madam I sense your hesitate. Very understandable. Very rational. Potion not common thing to see, especially not potion this good. What if I tell you potion make you lose weight get back perfect shape for summer.

Mazzy: its winter

Zack: Potion make you lose weight get back perfect shape for summer.

Mazzy: lol i dont need to lose weight

Zack: You have face affliction? Curse of blood? Potion help.

Mazzy: what?

Zack: Unclean spirit express self in face, makes painful boil or sometime woman has bleeding from demons inside. Potion clear right up. I have best cyclops whisker in all of Arabia.

Mazzy: your potions can make me stop menstrating?

Zack: Not all potion! Specific potion do this. Elixir of Trackless Erg. Recipe is tears of falcon see terrible tragedy, moss from rock used to smash window, few hairs from head of woman o' the night AKA VAMPYROS and pinch dust taken from inside wall of semi-haunted house. Plus secret ingredient.

Mazzy: lol @ semi-haunted house

Zack: Ghost of babyhead haunt house. Scornful beast. Beat with shoe, but very useful to transport piano. Creature you American call "retardos".

Mazzy: lol im Canadian tho

Zack: Ehhhhhhfffff

Zack: Good country, good country! Canadian's bacon, syrups, go hockey! Eh! Like very much Canada. A lot of Canada people love my potion. Celine Dions gain stunning beauty from potion. Kid in Hall all drink potion for big laughs. Character "chicken woman" all from potion. You buy potion?

Mazzy: no thanks

Zack: Maybe you want have perfect apple head baby? Very good baby from potion. Drink before copulations and handsome stallion of Canada seed is plant! Drink birthing potion when labors begin and with mighty screech baby swoops out easy! Very good bargains! Buy both one amazing price.

Mazzy: lol i dont want a baby im still in highschool

Zack: Ehhhhhhfffff

Zack: Potion of Educations very good for you! Juice from brain of 500 smartest mice, powder of crystal taken from lair of mountain octopus, mint to taste and secret ingredient. You know Steve Hawking? He drank just one half potion and it make him that smart, but potion cursed by filthy devil Jazzy the Gypsy and make him cripple.

More Pranks [ICQ]

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.