Lowtax - I thought my Windows was just screwing up and I needed to use Lunix or whatever that other operating system is.
Chiefs Fan - Lunix?
Lowtax - Yeah, the one with the penguin or chicken or whatever.
Chiefs Fan - Sorry, I don;t know much about computers...
Lowtax - I need to use a computer to database all the bats I have. How much shit they produce and whatnot. You need to keep detailed records as a Hollywood animal trainer or you won't get the job.
Chiefs Fan - You catalog 5000 bats??
Lowtax - No, 50,000 bats. They're not really detailed records, just the amount of crap they produce and when. Hollywood can't stand working with animals, so they need somebody who can do a good job with them.
Chiefs Fan - Wow. I never knew that.
Lowtax - Yeah. Go see "Bats" and notice how many times they crap during the movie. You won't see any at all. That's because they used professional bats.
Lowtax - Sometimes they just edit the shitting out of the movies though, they have supercomputers that do that. There's plugins for Paintbrush and other professional programs to remove that, but it doesn't do as good as a job of just having bats that dont crap all over the place during filming.
Chiefs Fan - I never thought about that. DOnt bats fly into your hair? I heard they get tangeled in your hair.
Lowtax - Ours don't. Like I said, they're professional bats. We trained them to stay out of hair. We have this mannequin rigged with pepper spray and mace that sprays all over the place when the hair is pulled or moved in any way. They learn quickly.
Lowtax - Sometimes I put the mannequin in bed as a prank on my wife at night when the lights are off.
Chiefs Fan - So what about your football league?
Lowtax - Oh yeah, that. The Pro Regional Quarterly Professional Football League. We select the best in Western Canadian Pro Football players and then run a complex system that awards points based on their hypothetical performance.
Chiefs Fan - Canadian football?
Lowtax - Yeah, didn't I mention that? We're not big fans of American football... not enough statistics for us.
Chiefs Fan - Canadian football has more stastics?
Lowtax - Yup. For example, my quarterback, Drew Markham, has 15.2234 pcn / rcptn. You match him up against a defensive line with a rating of 17.25% and a CNC/RA of 16:1 and calculate the probability matrix to the 19th percentile range (with the margin of error equal to the natural factor standard) and it puts out the success rate per down.
Chiefs Fan - I dont understand any of that, sorry : ( It must be different than American football.
Lowtax - Yes, it is. For example, in Canadian football you get 5 downs, except for two plays, which the coach can call a bonus play. Also, you get two extra plays inside the 2 yard line if it's the fourth quarter and you're the visiting team. You also get a bonus play if you get the 4 point conversion.
Chiefs Fan - Sounds complex.
Dr. Oz, professional TV doctor, offers up some dieting tips and advice on how to remove all your negative ions.
I was able to pull some strings and secure an advance copy of this year’s PAX panel schedule. Enjoy!
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Our Something Awful ICQ pranks target the worst and most idiotic folks on the Internet. Believe it or not, these ICQ pranks are all - unfortunately - real.