One of the most enigmatic and cryptic posters to ever register on the Something Awful Forums has to be a user named "Cactus Frankie." Although (according to records) he was registered less than an hour, he managed to get himself automatically banned on his first post by ignoring the forum rules and posting a flashing "ATTENTION!" tag reserved for moderators only. You have to be a particularly wonderful person to intentionally ignore the rules (which appear three times each thread) and use a moderator-only tag, as they are the only icons flashing with the words "MODERATOR TAG ONLY!" and have a big link next to them reading, "the following icons may only be used by moderators!" Alas, poor Cactus Frankie brazenly disregarded the many, many warnings and decided to post the following thread which was apparently important enough to waste $10 over:
WHERE CAN I DOWNLOAD 3D0
I NEED THE 3D0 TO DOWNLOAD FOR A PROGECT IM WORKING ON
DONT ASK WHAT THE PROJECT IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SO SOMEBODY GIVE ME THE 3D0 FILEZ DO DOWNLOAD NOW OR SHOW ME WHERE AND MAYEB CACTUS FRANKIE WILL LET YOU IN ON HIS LITTLE PROJECT (WITCH WILL BLOW UR MIND!!!!)
SO WHAT THE FUCK
What were these "3D0 FILEZ" Frankie needed so desperately? Exactly how exciting was Frankie's "PROGECT"? I was incredibly curious to know more about this secret "little project" Cactus Frankie was working on which he promised would "blow ur mind." I decided to give him a few months to cool down and collect his thoughts so I could contact him and find out more about his wonderful new... thing. I soon found out that poor Cactus Frankie wasn't exactly firing on all cylinders, which I must admit came as an utter shock to me.
Lowtax: Greetings on the Internet!
Cactus Frankie: what are you
Cactus Frankie: ?
Lowtax: I am a customer support representative from the website Something Awful (www.samethingawful.com)!
Cactus Frankie: i have checks
Cactus Frankie: on papypal
Lowtax: That is very exciting and we are very thrilled for you, but I am here to get your opinion on the customer service given to you by the website Something Awful (www.sanethingawful.com). Could you spare a few minutes of your time to fill out a short questionnaire?
Cactus Frankie: yeah bnt I dont have a pin
Cactus Frankie: a pen
Cactus Frankie: where do I go to fill it
Cactus Frankie: whats sometrhing awful?
Lowtax: Did you register a forums account for the Something Awful Forums (forams.somethingawful.com) on January 29th, 2004?
Cactus Frankie: oh did I do?
Cactus Frankie: OH FUCK YOU
Cactus Frankie: YEAH I REGISTRED AND ACCOUNT THERE FUCKERS STOLE MY MONEY
Cactus Frankie: ALL OF MY $15!!!!
Lowtax: I am sorry to hear such a thing. As a customer support representative, I am here to get your money refunded so you can continue to enjoy your online experience.
Cactus Frankie: OH HELL YEAH
Lowtax: Before we begin the survey, I must ask you a few questions to determine if you qualify for the free Hen House refrigerator magnet. Are you under 18?
Cactus Frankie: no
Lowtax: Excellent. Do you or have you ever served in the armed forces?
Cactus Frankie: no
Lowtax: Do you know of anybody who has?
Cactus Frankie: uh well the guy on TV has
Cactus Frankie: does that count
Cactus Frankie: on tv
Lowtax: Does the guy on TV work at a gas station?
Cactus Frankie: nah
Lowtax: Then no, he does not count.
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Lean in close to your screen. Inhale deeply. Does this guide give off a cloyingly sour odor? Then it is likely the genuine article.
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