~Connor~: I'll say! But excuse me for one moment, the pneumatic is making a weird sound.
~Connor~: Okay, it was just low on oil and it was hard to reach from the sex chair. By rocking it from side to side I was able to work up enough momentum to lean over the edge and dump in the oil. Where were we?
Udreamofjeanie: i g2g
~Connor~: Please, just a little bit longer. I'm almost there. It feels so good talking to you.
Udreamofjeanie: no serously i have to go
~Connor~: Five minutes! Please! I'm going to go out of my mind if I can't get release.
~Connor~: Oh crud, I just heard the front door open. Huck is going to kill me! There's no way I can get out of the sex chair and clean up all the grease in time!
~Connor~: Look, Jeanie, Huck is very abusive. He is going to beat me half to death if he thinks I'm doing lesbian stuff again. You have to pretend to be my doctor if he asks you questions.
~Connor~: Yes, this is Dakota.
Udreamofjeanie: i cant pretend to be ur doctor!
~Connor~: That could have been Huck! The next message could be Huck! If he doesn't believe you 100% he is going to give me two black eyes.
Udreamofjeanie: I G2G!!
~Connor~: He's walking towards the door!
Udreamofjeanie: whats going on?
~Connor~: Hello doctor why is my wife oiled up like a hog stuck in a gas pipe?
Udreamofjeanie: i was examinen her problems
~Connor~: Were you doing that with the big hydraulic piston stuck inside half her holes?
Udreamofjeanie: yes that is my area of expertise
~Connor~: And the electrified alligator clips stuck to her nipples?
Udreamofjeanie: those are computer sencers so i can see the readouts
~Connor~: Oh, okay, is your office that one on Himmler Street?
~Connor~: In the Goering Memorial Building?
Udreamofjeanie: yeah thats it
~Connor~: I think I know exactly which office you're in. Right next to the Rudolph Hess Eyeglass Bunker?
Udreamofjeanie: yes it is right nextdoor
~Connor~: Not the one on the 3rd floor. The one on the 8th floor that has a display for those hats that help your vision.
Udreamofjeanie: i walk by that every day
~Connor~: Oh, you must be Doctor Historysmysteries then. I'm sorry for doubting you, my friend sees you for psoriasis. Do you think you'll be able to get that cleared up?
Udreamofjeanie: yes hell be fine
~Connor~: HA HA! I caught you in my logic trap. I don't have any friends! Who are you really? Another one of the lesbo harlots tempting my wife into sin?! I KNEW Dakota was lying to me!
Your lair. Maybe you lure victims to it, maybe you hide in it between killings, or maybe you haunt it 24/7 because you’re tragically confined by a curse. Whatever the situation, for most of us monsters, a living/un-living space is an important part of our identities. In this column, Monstergeddon award winners share their lair tips and techniques!
Works great on my child, who hasn't barked at all for as long as she's worn the apparatus. When she turns three, we will remove it for a trial period.
The famed gonzo otaku journalist writes about the death of gaming culture in 2014.
Try not to break your console while I try not to break my cyber brain.
Our Something Awful ICQ pranks target the worst and most idiotic folks on the Internet. Believe it or not, these ICQ pranks are all - unfortunately - real.