Lowtax - I dont let nobody touch my hair because I heard on the radio that you can get diseases through your hair. Like when they cut your hair, air and disease atoms float in through the cut open part of the hair and it goes to your brain and makes your brain become damaged. So I don't let nobody cut my hair anymore because I need my brain so I can shock the monkey for G-Front.
Ron - Hmmm, I never heard of that so I dont really know? I havent' studied too much hair and head medicine, so I;m not sure...?
Lowtax - Well it makes sense, don't it? Cause when you get a cut, diseases can enter through the skin, so when your hair gets cut, diseases can enter through the hair.
Ron - yeh, that meakes sense to me. Ill have too ask my dad.
Lowtax - That'd be swell, Ronny. So anyway, my daughter's been really sick lately because the Government cut her hair. You see Ron, I like in a slum because G-Front doesn't pay me no more and I can't afford a house. They took my house away, Ron!
Ron - woah, I'm sorry : ( that really sux, you shoul d wrok for a diffrent company.
Lowtax - They took my house away, Ron.
Ron - : (
Lowtax - My goddamn house.
Ron - I'm sorry <: (
Lowtax - So anyway the Government came by and cut my daughter's hair yesterday because they want to exterminate my kind. They've had it in for me ever since I figured out their schemes and started calling Art Bell to reveal their plans. So they cut her hair really short and now she has some kind of Brain Damage I believe, because her brain has been acting real damaged the past few days.
Ron - how So?
Lowtax - Well, I'm training her to be a professional gamer. We're playing Thundra a lot and planning on competing in the National Thundra Tournament, which has a $500,000 jackpot. Lately she hasn't been able to get the power up and win the game. Her hands have been shaking a lot and whenever I turn on the monitor, she gets real sick and starts to throw up on the keyboard. She never threw up on the keyboard before.
Ron - oh man, that sounds bad. is she okay now? Yyou should get her to a hospital stat.
Lowtax - Well, I can't afford a hospital stat because I'm completely broke. My company, G-Front, spent all their money on God knows what. Probably liquor and hookers, I have no idea. Anyway, I need your help because I can't train her when she's throwing up all over the keyboard and having a Damaged Brainal area.
Ron - oh man, that sounds bad, you need too take her to a hosptial fast. Theyve got to take her in, they can't turn away really sick patents or they're breaking the law. let me ask my dad, he's in the other room.
Lowtax - Okay, can you please hurry up? She's shaking really badly.
Ron - okay, one sec.
(two minute pause)
Ron - My dad said you cant get viruses through your hair.
Lowtax - Well she's got something awful because she won't stop throwing up and I can't get any work done here because how's she supposed to be a professional gamer if she's constantly vomiting everywhere?
Ron - Professional what?
Lowtax - Nevermind. Can you ask your dad if he's absolutely SURE if you can't get diseases through hair? I remember the infomercial I saw, and they said you could. I'm sorry to ask again, but it's really important.
Ron - Yeh, sure, hold on. you might want to ask your daugheter to lay down and check her tempepreture.
Lowtax - I can't do that, she can't be moved away from the computer or she starts getting really furious and throwing stuff everywhere. She's a special child and has pretty horrible temper tantrums when I try to move her away from the computer. She gets violent and that's why we don't have any pets or open windows any more.
Ron - okay Im going to ask my dad brb
Lowtax - brb? ASL?
Ron - What?
Lowtax - Please go ask your dad.
Ron - Okay
(three minute pause)
Ron - My dad sayid no way you can get viruses through the hair, he said its imposible.
"Really, Holmes!" I dropped into my seat, shocked. "You are remarkably tall! What are you, six foot six? Six foot eight?"
As the 19th century diver approaches a giant clam, a flash of brilliant golden light flares from within the shell. I emerge in a swirl of bubbles and do the timeless universal underwater hand signals for the following: ZODIAC KILLER, KKK, BLOOD OF YOUTH
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