StaceY - It locks up your browser?? whwat Browser are You using??
Lowtax - Hey Stacey, how can I get a Mastercard with NO credit check from your website like it says? I mean, what if I just robbed a bank and then I bought a bunch of shit on credit but never paid the bills because I spent all my stolen money on bail for the bank robbery hearing? Are you a lawyer? Or are you guys just really trusting of other people?
Lowtax - Like do I have to sign a form that says "I PROMISE TO PAY MY BILLS" and then I have to sign another form that says "I PROMISE I JUST SIGNED MY REAL NAME ON THE OTHER FORM" and then there's a third form about God only knows what. I'm liking this free credit car thing less and less Stacey, and I'm not afraid to take it out on you.
StaceY - Theyre just partners with us : ) But its a good deal so you should check it out!!
Lowtax - Stacey we just covered this. I clicked on your little "commit a crime and use our card" link and the lights in my house went out and all hell broke loose and frankly I think I lost a tooth in the mayhem. Your link doesn't work on my browser!
StaceY - What Browser Are You Using???
Lowtax - Dammit Stacey, I don't have a browser!!!!!! I'm using an eNetiConAppliance! The toaster model!
StaceY - What is that??
Lowtax - My entire kitchen is wired for the Internet. I have the prototype eNetiConAppliance toaster, refrigerator, microwave, stove, and barley hat spinner machine. It's all networked together, so while the microwave download recipes for The Spanish Goulag, I can play Minesweeper on the stove! Online! On the Internet!
StaceY - OH I HEard about those!!
Lowtax - ON THE INTERNET!!!! STACEY!!!
StaceY - Howd you get those?? I didn't think they were selling yet!?
Lowtax - Well I work for Dennis Fong, Stacey, and I'm sure you heard of him.
StaceY - No : (
Lowtax - Yes you have you little vixen. Dennis Fong owns almost all the oil wells in Northern Texas. He's a big tech guru and he's made great eProducts such as the CyberSpritzer 2000, the Microwavable Select-A-Dice, and some crazy blue thing that they only sell in Japan. It's like a weedwacker or something except it has a face of a big blue donkey and it vomits perfume on old women's faces every 30 minutes. It's like some beauty thing.
StaceY - What company is this?? How much adveritissing do you guys do?? ;-)
Lowtax - Are you into beauty, Stacey?
Lowtax - A/S/L?!?!?!
StaceY - Do you guys advertisse online??
Lowtax - Not yet Stacey, but once we finish the prototypes we will. We've got a great advertising campaign ready. It's called "March Into the Millennium with FongCoInc's eNetiConAppliance." Because we're going to start selling it in March! And we were originally going to release it a couple years ago.
StaceY - How much do they cost??? are you selling them online??
Lowtax - Get it? Because we say "March Into" and we're selling it in the month of March!
Lowtax - That was my idea. I also had a great campaign idea called "Drive Drunk Into Fantastic Savings!" but they didn't go for that because they were afraid people might get drunk and drive into our stores and we can have that happen because the stoves explode really easy, like really old fake mustaches that people used to wear on "Hee-Haw" in between skits.
StaceY - How much do they cost??
Lowtax - Which model? Like I said, we have models for everything in your kitchen except the kitchen sink! Ha ha, get it? Because we don't sell the kitchen sink! But if we did I bet they'd call it like eSink or iSink, well probably not iSink because of the Titanic and all. People still get offended when you mention the Titanic and threaten to sink the boat they're in.
Lowtax - So to answer your question, I'm using ICQ through this eNetiConAppliance Toaster prototype! It has a built in 38-letter keyboard. I think there are supposed to be more letters on it, but I'll be damned if I can find where they are. I'm not too technical, Stacey.
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
Our Something Awful ICQ pranks target the worst and most idiotic folks on the Internet. Believe it or not, these ICQ pranks are all - unfortunately - real.