Lowtax - You're damn straight I do. All kinds of crazy shit. I get worked up over the Raiders game and start crushing lawn furniture, so my wife tells me to calm down and the next thing you know I've passed out and fallen down and knocked over the birdbath. I have anger problems, Roy, probably because every single person in my life continually disappoints me and shits me off to no damn end. There's only so much disappointment a man can take, Roy.
Roy - What kind of medication are you currently on?
Lowtax - Some white pills, a few blue ones, and one orange tab thingy. I don't usually take the orange one because when I start drinking I can't see anything because of the damn spots everywhere. It's enough to make a man crazy.
Roy - Do you know the names of these medication's?
Lowtax - I'm not a damn doctor, Roy. If I was, I sure as heck wouldn't be working 9-5 at the paper mill every damn day of my life just so I could come home and face five obnoxious kids and a wife who spends all day sitting on her ass and collecting Citgo Superbowl cups.
Roy - How much money are you looking to spend on insurance?
Lowtax - Not much, because my boss told me I have to start going to a gym and work out because I'm getting "Dangerously Obese", which is bullcrap. I can still fit into the size 56 pants I wore last month. I don't need to be some beanpole just to operate the flange rotation lever. It's worker discrimination, and if I had any energy, I'd file a lawsuit against those SOBs.
Roy - Well, your life insurance company would need to run a complete physical on you before agreeing to any policy.
Lowtax - Okay, but just not at night. I'm always busy at nights. I do things. I'm in a club, you know?
Roy - I can understand.
Lowtax - A club, Roy.
Roy - Yes.
Lowtax - We do things at night in the club, Roy.
Roy - How long would you be interested in coverage for?
Lowtax - I don't know, maybe a week or two just to see what it's like. If it's any good I'll keep it for another month or so. I don't plan on biting the bullet any time soon, so maybe I won't even get it until 10 years from now or so. What's the average life expectancy these days? 60? 65? My doctor says I'm lucky to have lived past 40, so I guess it can't be that far away.
Roy - Well sir, thanks for your time. If you'd like to learn more about our life insurance service, please go to http://mx01.edirectnetwork.net/cgi-bin/eclick.cgi?link=5449.
Lowtax - I usually wake up in a pool of my own blood and vomit these days, Roy. What effect will this have on my rates?
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
Our Something Awful ICQ pranks target the worst and most idiotic folks on the Internet. Believe it or not, these ICQ pranks are all - unfortunately - real.