When I got an ICQ message from somebody named "Nate", immediately calling me by my first name and writing as if he had been ingesting raw sugar through a garden hose for the past six days, I knew I had to check out his ICQ information. Here's what it says in his personal info:
On a professional level: I own my own internet company :-) Save time, save money, make money! I Like it!! :-) I'll be retired by age 30..... what do you want out of life... really.... ---- Are You Ready To Rumble? --- SERIOUS INQUIRES ONLY PLEASE
Oh boy, a spammer! Wow! He's owns a company? On the INTERNET?!? Incredible! Well, sure, I wasn't serious... but I could at least see how long I could string this jackass. Since I knew what this guy was after, and what he wanted from me, it made setting him up for the prank even easier. One last thing, check out his hilarious away message:
I'm out makin things happen and happen big! :-) I'll be sure to get to your mesaage ASAP. The Future is NOW!
Nate - Hiya Rich! What's up over there in Costa Mesa?
Lowtax - Nothing much, Nate! How are things down there in sunny San Diego?
Nate - Great thanks! How are you tonight?
Lowtax - I'm utterly and competely fabulous, how are you doing?
Nate - Very well thanks. So what keeps you out of trouble :-)
Lowtax - Oh, the Police mostly! Ha ha!
Nate - hahahhashaha you're funny
Lowtax - Thanks, good buddy!
Nate - So whatcha up to online?
Lowtax - Oh, you know... cruising the old Information Superhighway! Doing keyword searches on AOL for popular, brandname consumer products!
Nate - Looking for anythgin inparticular?
Lowtax - I'm doing some research! I've got exciting and proactive ideas for an Internet business, but I've got absolutely no idea how to get started!
Nate - Let me hear them... really... I have my own internet buisness
Lowtax - You have your own Internet business? How did you manage to do that? Please, tell me more!
Nate - Sure thing... You have heard of the fast growth in e-commerce sites correct
Lowtax - E-commerce? What is that? Please explain!
Nate - Please first tell me waht it was/is you are looking for
Lowtax - I'm looking to make money off the fast paced, exciting world of the Internet! I'm not sure exactly how it all works, but I'm invigorated and energetic at the chance to make money! The Internet is my vision, and I am moving towards this vision like a bullet plane!
Nate - then you and I need to get togehter and talk about the possibities. I see you are a few years younger than me.. which is great for energy. I just need a little backgound... school, work?
Lowtax - Oh, school? I was too proactive and full of positive energy to be limited to college! I left Wisconsin State A&M sophomore year, as I felt it had nothing to offer me, and the head dean agreed! Also, I was caught stealing cans of tuna from the cafeteria! But it was mostly the "nothing to offer me" thing!
I used to work for a video rental store a few months ago, but they tried to stifle my creative spirit so I left! After the boss asked me to! Because I was making illegal copies of all the tapes!
Nate - so where do you work now?
Lowtax - Now I like to consider myself "between jobs"! I've had plenty of offers from grocery stores and convenience marts, but I'm content to sit back, watch the world around me, and "let it ride"! I'm ready to make my move and strike like the furry cobra, ready to unleash a venom attack!
Nate - Well. I'm talking about serious business here.. are you up to that?
Lowtax - I'm always up to serious business! I've been searching for that "one golden opportunity" my whole life! I'm ready to make a difference! Tell me how, Nate!
Nate - Seriously then... I'm not talking a get rich quick scheme but something that'll take 2 -5 years to build to freedom.... or faster depending on your drive and dream.. However, It will take an serious investment of time and quite frankly money
Lowtax - Oh, I've got the dream! I dream of the day when I can escape to Southern Florida and sit in my house, surrounded by my many, many cats, and just work on a laptop computer all day, reaping the profits from the Internet! I've got the dream and the drive, my friend! I am ready to learn the secrets of this Internet and perhaps, one day, buy one myself!
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
It's just a little confusing, is all.
Our Something Awful ICQ pranks target the worst and most idiotic folks on the Internet. Believe it or not, these ICQ pranks are all - unfortunately - real.