Things grow from bad to worse when I receive another email from David Jasinksi, alerting me to the fact that now I'm in trouble for something else! Oh no, not just libel and slander and all that crap, now I'm busted for copyright infringement!
The company hosting your current website has also been notified of the issues. Hosting copyright images without consent from the owner is in violation of copyright laws.
They will be receiving a call from our attorney next week as well as your organization if our copyright material located at (http://i.somethingawful.com/mjolnir/images/psychosis~jerks-mourning-large.jpg) is not removed from your servers before the end of next week.
Please provide us with the contact information of your legal representatives.
Our legal representative can be reached at:
Anderson, Reynolds & Lynch, LLP
All contents of this letter are to be considered confidential and not intended for publication without prior approval from Limitless Horizons Entertainment LLC.
Oh gosh! The cards were truly all on the table now! Edward T. Lynch, the famous hotshot lawyer / cowboy / space astronaut / President of the United States was gonna be bustin' up all over our Internet asses! Worse yet, a deadline was imposed on us to remove the picture of their shitcan video game! Things were truly going from worse to worse to bad to worse to MUCH worse even faster than I had previously planned. I mean, look at that shit he sent me: IT HAD PHONE NUMBERS AND ADDRESSES. That's how you can tell they truly mean business. Also please ignore that scary sentence at the end of the email saying that this email is all spooky and confidential and shit. I don't want Edward T. Lynch to tighten - as he says - the legal lynch around my neck! HAW HAW!!!
I will contact Edward T. Lynch as soon as I possibly can regarding your awesome game and awesome screenshots. We'll talk about things and maybe have a little chat about boys and the latest Teen Beat magazine. Also, I noticed that you shifted your awesome legal strategy from "suing us for defamation of character , libel or slander" to "suing us for copyright infringement." I believe I will wait for your next email before telling my fast and furious legal representative of your threat, as I hope the next email will contain an even better lawsuit threat. Try to go for something really obscure and cool, like claim I exposed myself to a bunch of minors at a McDonalds while I was wearing a Grimace suit. Then claim one of those minors was you and it so emotionally scarred you that you grew up to make your crappy little game about elves or trolls or 20-sided dice or whatever. Then the judge would say "I rule in favor of the plaintiff for the amount of ONE HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS" and the jury would jump up and cheer as you, as played by Matthew Broderick, hug your wife. My role could be played by that ugly guy from Dean Koontz' "Phantoms" who was one of the first to die.
Richard Kyanka "Kyanka"
PS: Don't see the movie "Phantoms."
All this sounded highly plausible to me, especially after the fifth beer. Unfortunately, as you'll soon see, it did not seem as plausible to the Limitless Horizons Entertainment LLC. developer team, including Edward T. Lynch and guest starring Ed Begley Jr.
There is a difference between posting something for the sole purpose of mis representing and causing harm and posting a credible opinion. One is legal, the other is simply malicious intent. You know exactly why the article was posted as would any credible legal representative. So lets stop playing games and wasting each others time, shall we?
We take the interests and good name of our company and products seriously as I am sure you also do with your own materials.
OH, OKAY. NOW I UNDERSTAND. Apparently to voice your opinion on the Internet, one must first prove you're posting your opinion and not... uh... something else. Something malicious. I guess there's some government agency here in America where you apply to form an opinion on a certain subject and then they run a battery of tests to determine you're not just being sneaky and trying to do something evil regarding malicious intent and harm causing. You know, or something like that. In other words, David Jasinski is firmly convinced it's okay to have an opinion.. just as long as it's not the wrong one. I found his "so let's stop... wasting each others time" comment to be hilariously ironic, considering he's the one threatening me with fictitious legal bullshit which wouldn't even stand up in an episode of Night Court. Also, what happened to his buddy Edward T. Lynch? I was all excited to meet him!
Please let me know in advance what day Mr. Edward T. Lynch is going to call me, as I want to ensure I'm wearing my "sexy suit" when he is speaking to me over my mindphone. My lawyer, the esteemed Doctor Leonard J. Crabs, has informed me that wearing this "sexy suit" enables me to better understand the complex legal jargon some trained experts of law might try to throw at me, like deadly softballs covered in waffles. He says that he wears his sexy suit in every court case he argues, and that's why he's won over 104% of them. He additionally instructed me to tell you that his suit "adds +3 to his INT," claiming "those nancyboys will understand what that means." I am not exactly sure what an INT is, but I assume it's something completely awesome like your game about elves and kings and enchanted bras and whatnot.
I assure you that I take the interests and good name of my own materials just as much as you take the interests and good name of your company and products, in relation to the word "seriously." I do not want to seem as if I do not take the interests and good name of your company and products seriously, which is why I am beginning a campaign called "Let's Take The Interests and Good Name of Limitless Horizons Entertainment LLC Seriously." I have created a starter image for this campaign which I feel accurately describes the amount of interests and good names I take seriously regarding your company and products. You'll also note the enclosed image is saved in the "png" format, because I do not want Bill Gates stealing it and then implanting his neural horror eggs into my work so he destroys Unix!
I hope you see this image as an offering of good faith, so when you call your high priced, powerful attorney on Monday you say, "don't hurt em too much, Hammer. He sent us this offering of good faith," and then the esteemed Edward T. Lynch will look at the image and say, "boy, it is obvious to me that this guy is taking the interests and good name of Limitless Entertainment LLC seriously," and then he won't order a commando team of mercenaries to invade my house and destroy me with superior firepower.
In conclusion, I don't remember what I was going to say, but I thank god that Benjamin Franklin fought in World War I so I could have the freedom to say it.
Richard Richard "Little Richie" Kyanka
There was a brief lull in our correspondence at that point, as I assumed David Jasinski was spending all his free time thinking up ways to cram even more orcs and trolls into his awesome game. Then, out of the blue, I received a bombshell.
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I'm Ray Parker Jr, and it's time I came clean.
Many people love to threaten to sue us. Luckily we have both Leonard "J." Crabs and common sense on our side, thus enabling us to easily defeat such trivialities. Remember - when you're on the Internet, you can threaten to sue for anything!