One chance to save my soul. One chance to fight the struggle of a lifetime. One chance to tell my loved ones goodbye. One last chance to expose T.J. and his vile mistress "Rhonda," the crazed dogsweater cheerleader broad from hell.

From: Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka
Sent: Saturday, January 13, 2007 5:16 PM
To: 'Macnachtan Arms'
Subject: RE: Possible slander at your website

Let me tell you something about Rhonda: she's crazy. Rhonda is USING you. You have no idea what Rhonda is capable of. One time I saw Rhonda in the store, she was stealing cantaloupes! I walked right up to Rhonda and I said, I said, "Rhonda! What are you doing! You best be paying for those cantaloupes!" And you know what she did? She pistol whipped me! She's crazed, and you're just a pawn in her chess game of Internet domination.

So don't bring Rhonda into this mess you created, you nutty dog sweater private investigator. You said "I am not going to block You," so guess what bub? What goes around, comes around! I'm not going to block you either. Let's see how you like it, being able to send me emails and me being able to read them. Oooooh, that'll really steam your clams, won't it? It'll really get your goat. It'll really "turn off your electric fence" and then proceed to "open your gate."

Both you AND Rhonda are going down, Internet-style. I'm pretty powerful on the Internet, I'm level 85. You're probably level 2! I can delete half your just face by pressing three keys. And no, I'm not telling you which keys. I'll fly through your Internet and slap the crazy off your face while you got one hand down your pants and another knitting a dog sweater. Don't think I won't. You ever see the musical "The Matrix"? That was based OFF ME. I've got powers man, powers so incredible you can't even BELIEVE them. I have a confusing network of moles on my back.

If you reply back to this, I'll sue you for translucent fornication. And you can take that to the (cyber) bank!

- Rich

I think that I definitely

From: Macnachtan Arms
Sent: Saturday, January 13, 2007 5:30 PM
To: 'Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka'
Subject: Demon Failure

Message failed

User <[email protected]> does not like recipient.

Message returned to sender.

Oh.

So for you nice ladies and gentlemen out there keeping score, I, Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka am pretty much going to jail forever. It was nice knowing you, but in this wonderful country of America, it's next to impossible to insult dog sweater cheerleader women without having the Patriot Act invoked all over your fat face.

It was fun while it lasted

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@lowtax)

More Legal Threats

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.