And now for the latest on nuclear peace treaties we go to literally a baby. It is literally a baby that might be high reporting.You know what? I'm 110% back to gay stuff. I'll take over that whole gay network. What else do they have? Work of art that art version of top chef?
Bad news, basquiat, this week's challenge is pull up some jerseys and do brutal exercises on some bitches about to get taught at Johnston U School of Hard Art. Tell them I'm a performance artist and get funny money for Scores and drink crown royal out of the purple purse and get lap grinds from bleach blond slobogians named after red states and if they vote me down defemberstrate them the fuck out of the gay art loft.
What are they gonna do? Get some PA named Terry with a can of mace to escort me off the set? I have shot armor piercing shotgun bullets at bald eagles through a closed sunroof and guess who has an eagle hat he made himself? Hint: not terry with his mace or some 8 pound somali dude named abobo or some girl wearing a robot hat who paints spirals for a living.
What else do they even have? Real Housewives of New Jersey? Fuck them. I have dealt with bitches twice as loud and half as smart. I am talking captain caveman shit. I know exactly how to choke slam a girl so no bruises show if she tries to file a police report. I mean self-defense choke slam. I would never hit a woman first but if she shoves me god help me she is going to have plenty of time in the hospital to look up assault in a dictionary.
If you haven't been to wasilla lately you wouldn't believe it. Todd drives around in a bright green jeep with black tiger strips and it has TODD painted on the doors in jurassic park logo style and he wears an army commanders uniform that he made up himself.Speaking of putting a bitch in the hospital, I wanted to apologize about my earlier bicycle comment which was scandalous and say I am fucking sorry if I got you pregnant Lanesia. I have thought about it long and hard and I have decided to do the right thing and tell you to get that little dude aborted. If you can't afford the cost of the poison shot thing I can get my cousin Nokia to lay you down on the floor and drop the back tire of a sport bike on your baby spot. He knows right where to drop it and there is a little storage thing under the seat he can fill with wrenches. He calls it the Suzuki method. Barely any of your uterus will fall out since he's an expert mechanic who has done this one other time.
So the point is, which I was getting to, fuck the palin family. Todd Palin sticking his lactonic beak all in my business and mrs. palin like some evil librarian lady shushing me every time I said one thing to a gay blog about not wanting to use gays as 4x4 jumps.
And they made me promise no more porno even though larry flint offered me 50 grand to star in a nailin palin movie with that lady with the giant hooters and the lips that look like the rim of a bumper car which believe me I have plowed worse fields for less money in my celebrity career. Does peaches geldoff ring any bells? No, not to me either, but I put her down like old yeller in the back of a moving truck for some sex tape she said she is going to release on the internet if eli roth doesn't buy her a catamaran style yacht. Clearly its all parody and consemption adults or whatever so you fuckers needed to chill out.
I don't know who this broad is but I guess she has a rich dad or something and she said I could listen to my ipod while we did it which is pretty cool.But noooooo eagle eye todd in his secret follow van with the one way glass and the camera has got to watch every transaction in los angeles and put google alerts on every comment I make to the AP reporter Lynn Elber who fucking takes everything I say out of context about needing crazy dick pills just to fight my way through this ocean of gash I'm drowning in out here. Like I was bragging or some shit and not seriously worried about dying under more models than that guy who was crushed by a pallet at the revell factory. Christ almighty you'd think I was like barack hitler just from getting possibly up to four girls pregnant when bristol and I were not even engaged at that time for two of those girls.
So this is for the best. No mansions or free fruit pies, but my media career is gonna be taking off here shortly and more important the palins can all go fuck themselves except for piper who girl I still think you are fine as hell and will be by at around ten on friday and I might already be drunk but its okay because I am used to playing grand theft auto wasted and even though my license is suspended I have earned mondo points on my car insurance for not drunk driving into a lake or abutment for at least six weeks. I think we can still get it on pretty hardcore as long as you don't worry about past histories and let us make our own history, baby.
Levi SINGLE Johnston
EDITOR'S CORRECTION: On August 5th, 2010 Mr. Johnston incorrectly identified Willow Palin, age 15, as Piper Palin, age 9. It should be noted even after the correction the age difference remains illegal.
Is the world ready for Staind By Me, St@nd By e-Me, and Crank 3: Stand By Me?
Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to enslave humanity.)
A Goon outs himself as a wizard and gets a warm reception from the rogues/rangers/paladins gallery!
Levi "HOckey" Johnston is a pro writer now and hockey expert since forever. He comments regularly on family life, politics, Alaska, hockey, vag, babies, babes, 4x4s, hunting, and stuff like that. Oh, yeah, and he was engaged to Bristol Palin and had one (two) kids with her, so...I can put anything here? He also fights like a devil and pounds poon like a demon. He's pretty much unbelievable. His life is a raw adventure to the root.