The best one is this last one though. This bitch was so mad at me she wouldn't stop no matter what I said. Shit got crazy.

That old mummy WWII president dude's daughter is like barely older than me and she was fat as hell but goddamn she had some mean titties. I read some tweets of hers talking about mrs. palin and I think I'd probably at least do her butthole on a date because shes cool. Not to deamend her.randmk: fuck you levi

randmk: you are a piece of shit

randmk: how can you write such horrible shit about sarah and your own son and trig?

hockey.johnston: ho ho slow down

hockey.johnston: who are you to judge me ronda?

randmk: your a foul mouth little shitstain what you are

randmk: go to hell

hockey.johnston: what the fuck did you call me

hockey.johnston: ronda dont think you can hide behind that giant elephant pussy of yours

hockey.johnston: you rile me up good I will take you down

hockey.johnston: I will not hit a girl but I will push her like a motherfucker

hockey.johnston: I will push her down stairs ronda

hockey.johnston: you feel me???

randmk: shit head my names not ronda for one

randmk: for two I am not a girl

randmk: and I will kick your ass you name it time and place motherfuckre

hockey.johnston: Im at the four seasons in new york

hockey.johnston: you need me to map quest that shit for you bitch?

hockey.johnston: wiggle those fat little hog trotters of your onto google and look it up

randmk: fuck you redneck retard

hockey.johnston: oh real cool disrespect my boy trup

hockey.johnston: it would be legal to duel you now in some states

hockey.johnston: sudden death on the ice

randmk: trig aint your son you inbred pill head

hockey.johnston: I do like pills but sorry dumbass

hockey.johnston: I fucking watched that little fuckers head come out of bristols nasty pussy

hockey.johnston: she was shitting and bleeding everywhere

hockey.johnston: it was like what hell is like only with a baby coming out of it

hockey.johnston: so I saw that don't tell me I made that shit up

randmk: you are sick

randmk: you are fucking sick

randmk: go back to your playgirl gay magazine

randmk: fucking faggot

hockey.johnston: what did you call me? motherfucker what?

hockey.johnston: I swear I will beat you inside out

hockey.johnston: I will punch you so hard you will shit out your kidneys

hockey.johnston: meet me at the sbarros on 19th street

hockey.johnston: come out there pussy

hockey.johnston: I will show you your guts motherfucker

randmk: lol fuck you

hockey.johnston: I will fucking kill you ronda

hockey.johnston: nobody says that shit to me

randmk: later faggot

*****randmk has disconnected.


I pranked him pretty good, because I told him I was at the Four Seasons but that was where I stayed when I did the GQ cover. When I was there last time I was at the Hilton, but when this moron was messaging me I was actually on my friend Tucker's sister Kylaia's powerbook just logging in to check my fantasy hockey draft updates. So I was back in Alaska and I bet that dumb idiot bigot went to sbarro and stood around and was like, "Aw, dang, I think I got pranked!"

I wish I would have been there to see that. Anyway, I want to leave you with this thought:


Can you believe this shit? Who the fuck drives around in a bus with their face on the side? Not even Obama had that sort of brass sack. That dude loved himself like a pony, but he has got nothing on Sarah Palin putting her face on the side of a bus and writing op eds about the environment like she even knows what a cloud is. I saw her ask that once, no lie. She was standing on her back deck and she looked up and said, "I wonder what a cloud is made out of." No shit, can you believe that?

I was like, shit I failed science but even I know it's some vapors or something. Like gas shit, you know? She was like, "God works in mysterious ways" and I was like everything is fucking mysterious when you don't even try to figure it out. Wow god makes gravity and god makes hockey and god is so mysterious and inscrotable.

I'll catch you next time I'm getting my junk out for six figures.

Hustler been blowing up Tank's phone telling him they want me to lay pipe in that mrs. palin broad with the big fake boobs. I was like maybe but yall want to keep it real you get some creepy skinny guy and put him in a parka and have him be all sweaty and just staring at us while I'm doing her. That lactonic motherfucker.

Pray on that shit, bitches.

PEACE!

– Levi "HOckey" Johnston

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About This Column

Levi "HOckey" Johnston is a pro writer now and hockey expert since forever. He comments regularly on family life, politics, Alaska, hockey, vag, babies, babes, 4x4s, hunting, and stuff like that. Oh, yeah, and he was engaged to Bristol Palin and had one (two) kids with her, so...I can put anything here? He also fights like a devil and pounds poon like a demon. He's pretty much unbelievable. His life is a raw adventure to the root.

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