Anyway I had to write an article and what the fuck else am I going to do pinned under 4000 pounds of scrap metal. So the theme of this article, in addition to rescue me from this fucking ravine you idiots, is also that the government shutdown is bullshit. Nobody cares. You can close down the government forever, dumbasses. We hate it.
Congress and Obama can close all the handicap parking spaces and make firemen climb down ropes instead of slide down poles. They can turn off the warning sirens for Russians that Mrs. Palin put in every town. They can take all of our troops out of Mexico or wherever. They can fire Vin Diesel for Fast and Furious and also nobody wants Obamacare so just shut up about obamacare.
This is the worst party I have been to since I got invited to a cookie party by mistake and not a single bitch there would do lines with me.I don't want some government dickhead getting between me and the guy who sells me spray paint and paper bags even though I am banned from the hardware store. I think his name is Rolf but I might just be hearing Ralph wrong. Anyway that dude is cool me and him are the only people I want making decisions about what I am going to inhale on a sunday afternoon behind the costco.
People you can lay the fuck off, nobody cares: teachers, cops, basically all the people I have beef with since I was a kid. When was the last time a teacher did anything for anybody? All I can remember is something about learning French. Like that stupid book French is going to help me at all when I am doing a deal with a bunch of Côte-des-Neiges montreal mexicans who speak French slang. Merci for the shotguns with the serials filed off and all the really lousy weed you grow underground like mole men.
Also get rid of mailmen. All they send me anymore are warrants for failure to appear at jury duty. Also lay off the juries. Do we really need courts? Fuck that. If we have to decide if someone is guilty I say do it like game of thrones and have trial by combat. I have seen the prosecutors in wasilla more times than I can count and I will fuck up Jeff Barnard and Janice Rhys-Farnham. Give me bare knuckles or pipes or, fuck it, I will fight them with swords if you want. I will fight them with the ultimate weapon: freddy claws.
Theres no reason for me to put this picture in the article but fuck it I am in charge and with the government shutdown the FBC or whatever can't stop titties.The point is, when was the last time you ever heard about the government doing anything good for you? Like you never see a headline that says "EPA saves a baby from smoke" or "FDA finds some nasty sliced turkey that will fuck you up good thing" right? They don't do shit. They just come up with these jobs to keep busy and waste money. Like fish and wildlife agents.
Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize it was Hitler's nazis germany where we are not free to fish for turtles with homemade pipe bombs. I didn't know it was illegal to shoot an eagle with an automatic shotgun. I didn't know it was illegal to buy a Chinese kit to make your shotgun automatic. I didn't know it was illegal to hit you for telling me all this shit was illegal and accidentally drive through a salmon spawning ground on a duck tour car boat and disrupt the fuck out of like an orgy of fish.
I don't know any of this shit because the government is worthless. It's all about freedom. Like somebody famous once said, the eleven or whatever most dangerous words in the english language are I'm from the government let me see your tags for those grizzly bear cubs you killed with a boomerang. Because it's not like a grizzly bear cub grows up to be a grizzly bear adult which is mankind's number two enemy behind the inevitable consequences of unrestricted global drone warfare.
Anyway, I'm pretty much fucking dead unless a crane helicopter rescues me soon, so tell my wife and kids that there is a brick taped inside the toilet tank and they should cut it open and flush it because it's krokodil and even I don't smoke up that stuff.
SEE YOU AT THE CROSSROADS
Transgressive author Chuck Palahniuk is here to help with tips and tricks to hacking your life.
Not what I had in mind when I ordered an Italian gondolier. This is literally just a tiny toy. Needless to say, the Italian businessmen were not impressed and I looked like a damn fool. We lost the pizza pie account and will have to lay off half our factory.
Time to applaud the man who applauds in a loop until the end of time.
Levi "HOckey" Johnston is a pro writer now and hockey expert since forever. He comments regularly on family life, politics, Alaska, hockey, vag, babies, babes, 4x4s, hunting, and stuff like that. Oh, yeah, and he was engaged to Bristol Palin and had one (two) kids with her, so...I can put anything here? He also fights like a devil and pounds poon like a demon. He's pretty much unbelievable. His life is a raw adventure to the root.