What the fuck is up? Hell yeah. Gotta get get. I don't even know what that means, but I can't stop saying it.

Shiiiit I have been busy as fuck. Just got back from LA with my manager Tank. I gotta save that story for another time, but we had a fun as fuck time.

Right now I got a lot to talk about on the agenda today, cuz as usual I am at the netflix of current events, so let me get straight to the point of it.

Because, obviously, first of all, number one: the new section thing for the article.

You can see I got a sweet new logo. I designed it myself. Not, like, actually. They got computers and shit to do that. And actually they took a shit on my design so fuck them.

When they said I was getting a section for my editorials they said I got to pick a logo so I sent them this:

My idea was for me to write editorials about fucking. Like help people with stories about how I lay broads out and make it so they can't pee straight anymore. They could read about, I don't know, techniques and shit. Like pleasure moves.

This is me and Tank enjoying LA to get on TMZ or whatever. Tank said I can be the male Paris Hilton which is cool as long as I get to bang chicks on infrared.But that felt through, so they said write your normal stuff about politics and shit and babies and hockey. And then I gave them the logo and I was like, "I already came up with this shit with my dick and balls out of Levis 501s and then a jizz cloud shooting out with titties shaped out of the jizz."

It would have been the first jizz titties ever, although maybe they did an episode of Dirty Jobs about something similar. All I can think of is the diaper factory episode right now. The one where he was making that face.

Whatever. So here we are, niggers. Ground zero of the Johnston revolution. Welcome to the a-bomb of truth and articles and whatever.

So, I am fired up right now, and as you may have interped from the column head thing at the top this is an article about a certain douchebag who has been apologizing. You might have heard of him: David Letterman.

This fucking guy, right? This liberal elitist from all the way down in Indiana thinks he is all high and mighty cuz he got a degree from Ball State. Bitch, whatever. I got my Masters from Baller State. That's some ivory league shit.

More Johnston Checks In

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.