hanging with cain is exactly what I always imagined it would be like to hang out with mac from nightcourt only instead of court its pizza and instead of a vietnamese girlfriend its like swedish bikini team doing table dancesBad news is why I had to bail on Perry. Man when that shit is dropping you got to get out of the elevator or you're going to hit the bottom and your femur bones are gonna get drove up through your guts so you got to jump at the last second before the elevator hits the bottom. I saw that on myth busters but I can't remember if it was confirmed or busted.

Since that scene got all weird I just hopped over to my man Cain. RAISING CAIN. Now that dude is my dog. First of all free pizza buffet 24/7. I must've gained like 200 pounds but I lost most of it back off by laying big digs down on the wicked trim Cain pulls in. His HQ looks like the set of a budweiser commercial from 1985. The only thing missing is a dog in a Hawaiian shirt which I am pretty sure he said he was getting for the next post-debate party.

When he's not spouting gospel about some 999 shit dude talks nothing but trash on the other candidates. He does this shit called "dozen" which is like you say an insult and then somebody else says an insult, but because they're not around he just has this big fat white guy in a backwards kangol hat who goes "he he yea-uh!" after every joke Cain lays out there.

Here's some he dropped after the last debate that had me cutting up:

  1. Mitt Romney so boring his favorite pizza is cheese. Not cheese pizza. Cheese. He digs on big old wheels of colby brick.
  2. Rick Santorum so white he got pulled over and arrested for impersonating a mayonnaise.
  3. Ron Paul so old his first car was a triceratops. He so old he got class pictures with dirt. Ron Paul is so damn old he knew H2O when it was just a ho.
  4. Michele Bachmann so crazy she got in an argument with a mirror and lost. She so crazy she went to my website and thought it was wrote in bible code.
  5. Newt Gingrich so nasty the ugly tree grew up out of seeds that fell off them crazy pinecone earlobes he got.
  6. John Huntsman so lame I'm not even going to finish this joke. Seriously fuck that dude. Everything he says is embarrassing. 9-9-9, motherfucker. Subscribe to that.


Pretty funny stuff. I tried to get him to yoda me some skills on that shit but he is like "that's insulting you can't just barack obama me on this you got to earn the black experience." I don't know what he means half the time but I feel cooler just hanging around with him and that means a lot because yall know I was cool as fuck going into this one.

this year I got to remember not to grab collars and pummel anybody who screams at meProbably going to be taking some time off to deal with Halloween. My mom always needs me to help her scare meth heads that come to the haunted hay ride and try to get glassy when you're revving the chainsaw. We might have lost our hayride license a couple years back after that BS charge with the kid drowning in the apple bobbing.

Anyway I can handle meth spooker. It's easy as hell to scare them you just have to yell a name really loud until they start believing it's their name, just wear like two long sleeve shirts because they will bite you if they get too scared. Then at the end we all drink hard ciders and this guy in a Jason mask smokes us all out with insane mio hydro he grows in water he put that mio juice in.

So I'll see you on the other side.

PEACE!!

– Levi "HOckey" Johnston

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About This Column

Levi "HOckey" Johnston is a pro writer now and hockey expert since forever. He comments regularly on family life, politics, Alaska, hockey, vag, babies, babes, 4x4s, hunting, and stuff like that. Oh, yeah, and he was engaged to Bristol Palin and had one (two) kids with her, so...I can put anything here? He also fights like a devil and pounds poon like a demon. He's pretty much unbelievable. His life is a raw adventure to the root.

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