Of course I am not gonna give up all the good ones here, because I got to get PAID son. Levi wants to fly and these wings ain't free.

So here are some factoids. Consider these to be samples of just some of the iceburgs of which these are only the tips.

  • some csi dude will wonder why this moose was shot with pieces of a headlightThe first time I got on the plane with todd he stared at me in the eye and then he just ripped this big huge fart. He kept staring at me and he kept going and going and then that old dude walked by and he made this face like he was scared of some shit, which it was some fuckin freddy krueger ass music goin on up there. Later I heard the old dude talkin to himself and I got the impression that dude for some reason thought he was the one who ripped the nasty fart.
  • For about a month I didn't know which chick the old dude MacCain was married to and I accidentally felt up cindy MacCain and she was like, "oh levi that feels hella good and I want you to do me but I am married to that old as fuck dude" and I was like "oh shit girl I'm sorry I meant to be grabbin' on your daughters titties" and then she was like "no I take it is a compliment" and I said back to her "yeah most women do." And then I ripped that ass up, but actually I ended up with cuts on my dick cuz there is some weird shit goin on with her pussy. Call her ass the juicer.
  • If you get too pumped up watchin the oilers get killed and you keep demanding MacCain give you some love up top eventually he gets really pissed off and calls you some names. If that happens do not push the dude over a table because some serious rod gobblers from the secret police will bust in and throw you around.
  • One time I was seein if there were any hot ass bitches in the back of the plane want to drill baby drill with the johntson not knowin they were reporters and one bitch said "who are you votin for" and I was all "I never vote dumbass thats retarded as fuck" but they started askin hypotheticals and hypothetic I am voting for tongues on my ball bag but they were all like "old dude or black dude" and I was like "guess I am votin black dude cuz old dude is a fucking faggot" and then they twisted my words all around and put them up on drummage report or some shit.
  • Mrs. Palin has never killed a moose. They got all these pictures of her with mooses but pretty much todd is a drunk fuck who cant drive and he hits mooses all the time with his truck and then to keep him from getting hit with three strikes law and then he cant race snow machines mrs. palin always is posing up on those dead bloody ass motherfuckers and acting like she hunted that shit down. Yeah, okay, well then I hunted about 15 raccoons, a dog, and two homeless dudes in the last month alone.
  • When she was mayor of wasilla mrs. palin secretly spent 150,000 dollars from special homeland security money on this van with all these cameras thats supposed to help with terrorists. When some people got all mad about it she pretended to sell it on ebay but really she just gave it to her cousin who hunts sasquatches. No luck so far, but if that hair motherfucker hides behind a wall they can still see him with one of them cameras.
  • Me and bristols baby trink ain't really a retard he is just lazy as fuck. If you put a rattle in his hand he's just like "fuck that" and he drops that shit on the ground. Have you ever seen him move on TV? Nope, because he don't move. My guess is he will start movin about age of 16 or so when he sees his first pussy.


Anyway, those are just the boring ones. I've got way better facts I could hook you dudes up with if you got the cash.

Back to the crab monster and the bear corpse.As for me, well, I am sad to say folks this is the last time you will probably hear from me. The whole family is goin back up to alaska and up there the internet only works for like 2 months of the year. We got to check all our email and do all our banking before the magnetic fields or aurora borneolis or whatever fucks everything up again.

Honestly I was running out of shit to say anyway. Maybe I would have come up with some new shit if I was a duke and had my own wizard and a palace and shit, but that was not meant to be. I hope whoever the black dude makes into a duke is as cool as me. Ha ha ha doubt it.

Mrs. Palin will be cool. I know some of yall are worried about her but she will be just fine. She has a huge beautiful house she got the contractors from that hockey rink to build for her for free, she has got a giant ass crab monster in her office to cheer her up, and any time she gets really freaky and wants to hook me and bristol up with some kinky shit I am down. I will even let her videotape it, but todd cant be in the room I cannot keep goin with that fuck watchin and making all them loud breathing sounds.

Fuuuuuuck. Anyway, I'm gonna go get tore the fuck up and out.

Peace, fags!

– Levi "HOckey" Johnston

More Johnston Checks In

This Week on Something Awful...

About This Column

Levi "HOckey" Johnston is a pro writer now and hockey expert since forever. He comments regularly on family life, politics, Alaska, hockey, vag, babies, babes, 4x4s, hunting, and stuff like that. Oh, yeah, and he was engaged to Bristol Palin and had one (two) kids with her, so...I can put anything here? He also fights like a devil and pounds poon like a demon. He's pretty much unbelievable. His life is a raw adventure to the root.

Previous Articles

Suggested Articles

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.