Now, I don't know why they decided to have a level 125 inmate roam around the level one area, but a lot of shit just doesn't make sense in the crazy prison. The metal detectors are obviously staffed by half-steppin' fools, as even the lowly mental patient can sneak a machete past them. The infirmary section of the prison is jam packed full of banished clowns who refused to tell me jokes and wouldn't even do simple magic tricks. The only thing they did do is play their own version of Bozo Buckets, replacing beanbags with their knives and the buckets with Superfan's body.
Click for a little nugget of wisdom from a street smart juggalo!By sheer dumb luck I found a level one NPC to kill. After triumphing over PrisonServer's revolutionary turn-based combat system of "You go. Okay now the enemy goes. Right, now you go again.", I felled the dastardly murderer. I searched his spoon wound riddled body, in hopes of finding a firearm or some armor to replace my worn out kneepads and gloves. Instead I got rewarded with the currency prisoners trade between each other for toilet wine and the deeds to bitches, I am of course talking about manga. Manga is apparently in high demand amongst the prisoners, and I was lucky to have a good buddy loan me some of his collection.
All very bad things eventually come to an end, and PrisonServer once again shows its developer's innovation. Instead of simply letting me exit the game, PrisonServer sent my character spiraling into the twilight zone. Music and sound effects looped as my guy was warped and distorted; the laws of space and time shattering around him. My noble computer could not handle such disregard for the rules of the universe and froze, but I was lucky enough to capture one picture of the hellish experience.Convicts surround the whole compound. Cause you don't really want what you're starin' at. Clip full of bullets, don't mind sharin' dat.
Looking back on PrisonServer I can say it is a good deterrent to people who think about turning to a life of crime. I suggest that from now on, instead of sending troubled youth to real prisons to be scared straight, just force them to sit down and play PrisonServer for a few hours. They will face the harsh reality of how prisons truly operate, its furnaces fueled by the blood of the weak. As for PrisonServer's community, it simply doesn't exist. I am amazed that the game's server are even up, as I did not run into anyone else except for my partner in crime while playing. I compare it to stumbling onto a message board that hasn't had anyone using it for nearly a decade, but still finding one or two posts a few years after everyone else stopped reading. Kind of like an abandoned part of the internet, but full of doomed AI prisoners living out their pitiful lives until the server's plug is pulled.
Thanks to the SomethingAwful forum goons for spending time in the slammer with me. Special thanks to CuddlyZombie for recommending this garbage and ptlsaints for the manga and ham hookup.
How dare you not read this article. How dare you not click on it. What is wrong with you?
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