Livestock: tom i'm going to waterboard a dog
Moof: DO NOT WATERBOARD THAT DOG
Livestock: I'M GOING TO WATERBOARD A DOG TOM
Moof: DO NOT
Livestock: TOM THE TOWEL IS OVER THE DOG'S HEAD
Livestock: I'VE GOT HIS WATER BOWL
Moof: JOSH STOP
Moof: STOP WATERBOARDING THAT DOG
Livestock: I AM POURING THE WATER BOWL ON THE DOG'S HEAD
Moof: STOP IT RIGHT NOW
Livestock: TOM HE IS REVEALING SECRETS
Livestock: BONES BURIED
Livestock: IN THE
Livestock: HE IS GUILTY
Moof: NO JOSH
Livestock: tom justice is served
Moof: you are going to jail for this
Livestock: tom i am using advanced interrogation techniques on an otter
Moof: jsoh what kind of techniques...
Moof: josh do you mean TORTURE
Livestock: tom i am simply going to electrocute it slowly
Moof: NO JOSH
Moof: DO NOT ELECTROCUTE THAT OTTER
Livestock: TOM IT IS FOR AMERICA
Moof: NO JOSH
Livestock: justice is served
Moof: you're a fool
Moof: YOU'RE A FOOL
Livestock: salmon for dinner tonight tom
Livestock: the fish
Livestock: the salmon fish i mean
Moof: that is the #1 fish!!!
Livestock: TOM: AGREED
Moof: world famous!!!
Livestock: i'm glad you know of it, tom
Livestock: you'd be missing out otherwise
Moof: i would be!!
Livestock: but you're not
Livestock: tom i'd like our conversations to be set in an alternate reality where, in the 1970s, an apocalypse destroyed most of america and gave rise to a new age of wizards, super science, and fierce gladiator battles.
Moof: josh i will be a wizard
Livestock: tom i will be a super-scientist
Moof: very well
Livestock: tom as a super-scientist i find your silly rituals and incantations to be laughable
Moof: josh i turn you into a hog
Livestock: TOM SHALL we discuss the formal rules that govern when a gentleman may wear a suit
Livestock: or rather, a commonman
Livestock: as a gentleman is always suited
Livestock: i will start tom, as you seem a bit preoccupied at the moment
Livestock: a commonman must always wear a suit on the first day of school
Livestock: or when visiting a museum
Livestock: or when visiting a bank or banking machine
Moof: yes josh that is correct
Livestock: when inspecting a mine
Livestock: is another one
Moof: when tending to a hurt goose
Livestock: when participating in or observing a parade
Moof: when operating an automobile
Livestock: a fancy automobile
Livestock: tractors excluded
Moof: when observing the construction of a bridge
Livestock: at a sporting event
Livestock: when attending the grand opening of a new business
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Moof and Livestock discuss life, love, human nature, and all the most important issues affecting humanity.