#3: "Has anyone seen Kate?"
Since starting this site back in 1999, one of the most frequent questions I've been repeatedly asked by readers of all ages and backgrounds has been "has anyone seen Kate?" I can't go a day without receiving countless emails, IMs, texts, and phone calls from hordes of rabid folks ceaselessly inquiring about Kate's current visibility status. Up until recently, I could never sufficiently answer them. Then I discovered this game. Now I still can't answer them, but I got to waste a couple minutes playing this piece of garbage before I instantly deleted it.
#2: "Minecraft 3D"
It's like Minecraft, except it's in 3D! What's that, you say? Minecraft was already in 3D? Okay, you might have a point there, but Minecraft 3D takes the core element of the game ("having the name Minecraft") and aims it in an amazing new direction. For example, it added a "3D" to the end of its title. Also you really can't do much of anything. Also your right arm has been curiously replaced by your left arm. If you're like me and enjoyed Minecraft but felt restricted by its lack of letting you float in space and get pursued by waves of goofy rectangle monsters near an intensely vibrating tree, chances are good you still won't enjoy this game.
#1: "Dontrel the Dolphin 2"
Dontrel the Dolphin 2 isn't a video game; it's a collection of horrifying materials the dark lord Satan uses to craft utter nightmares. From the damaged and borderline schizophrenic mind of Trelyate's creator comes a platformer which will make you regret being born. Years from now, psychologists will still be writing books attempting to analyze the thought process behind this game, and years from now the answer will still be "fuck if I know." The author's insanity is further compounded by the fact he's written an entire book about his fictional country of Trelland which you can purchase from Amazon and immediately throw into a bonfire for the sake of future generations. In this amazingly obtuse abortion, the player must guide Dontrel the Dolphin (a dolphin wearing clothing and incapable of swimming) through a handful of psychotic worlds, picking up valuable "kores" which can't be used for anything in any way. Graphics, music, gameplay... they're all alien creatures from another dimension, sent here to fatally corrupt our brains and annihilate the human race. The horrors simply cannot be described with blocks of text, they must be experienced. May god forgive me.
I hope you enjoyed this brief trip down the repulsive back alleyway of gaming, and look forward to being assaulted by countless other monstrosities in the future. Subscribe to my Youtube channel and cringe in horror as we continue to dig through digital vomit on a semi-regular basis!
Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.
Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.
Ignore the hype. Find out how these games will likely go right or wrong.
It is said the Lord did write upon the sky, "Only the Most Awful shall be cataloged herein." And a wind did come and blow away the words and turn them into a skull. And the writers did fall upon their knees and give thanks, for yea, the Most Awful was good. Thus the lists were born. Read them, sons and daughters, and be strong.