Somehow, inexplicably, even in the face of hardcore mega science like that, there are still assholes out there who would tell you that Absolute Zero is so jam-packed with pseudo-scientific horseshit that not even Jeff Goldblum could retcon his way out of it. Not to worry, friend, because you can just throw down the fact that Absolute Zero had a real scientific advisor. An advisor whose attention was completely focused on making the best movie possible, because he was fired from his university job about 26 years ago for huffing the gas chromatography experiments. But that experience only made him a better scientist, because Science Is Never Wrong. You'll be thrilled with the hyper-realistic presentation of life in the academy, including such highlights as constant and vicious squabbling over government money and lording it over the graduate students who do all of the actual work. Science Is Never Wrong, but it sure is hard work keeping it that way! Haha, just kidding, they can do whatever the hell they want to, Science Is Never Wrong.

Even with all that Science coming out of every pore, Absolute Zero does have at least a few characters who are, in fact, not scientists. These poor, unenlightened bastards represent the usual collection of well-groomed politicians, oblivious roller-skating blondes, and ditzy news readers. They doubt the power of Science, and Jeff Fahey's powerful eyebrow-based warnings about Miami's imminent destruction, having forgotten the maxim that Science Is Never Wrong. Sadly, the punishment for doubting Science is immediate, harsh, and sometimes even comical death:

Unfortunately, Doktor-Professor Jeff Fahey doesn't make it out of Miami either, but instead ends up trapped in an office building due to his noble sacrifice of warning people in the name of Science. In the process of scientific inquiry into methods of not dying, Jeff and his group of interns, old flames, and other assorted tagalongs end up on the wrong side of the building from his cold-proof lab and the sweet, safe embrace of Science.

Of course, for some reason the only way to get to the other side of this particular floor involves a harrowing walk across a narrow beam over a 30-story plummet to instant death. Maybe this is a hyper-modern office building, and the architect wanted to include it as a mandatory team-building exercise. After all, studies have shown that the threat of imminent demise makes employees 52% more alert and focused, and Science Is Never Wrong. Also, everyone has to wear a spacesuit to go outside, because it's cold enough to instantly kill them otherwise, but it's still nice and toasty inside the building. After all, drywall and cinder blocks are pretty much the perfect insulators. Remember, Science Is Never Wrong.

The ensuing long and painful scene is basically the slow-motion walk from Armageddon if it took them 30 minutes to make it to the space shuttle and involved lots of grunting and weeping, and also Steve Buscemi got sucked into the rocket engines. Of course, Steve Buscemi isn't in Absolute Zero, but as a consolation prize we have Benny the Retarded PhD Student, who gets blasted ass-backwards into the void by a highly pressurized door. Poor Benny forgot that doors obey the laws of science, and Science Is Never Wrong.

We could tell you about the rest of the group's heroic survival against all odds, except for the guy who gets eaten by cold running down a hallway and/or his own hubris. But that would be pointless, because they have Science on their side, and Science Is Never Wrong. Instead, we'd like to present our completely scientific and totally peer-reviewed analysis of the musical harmonies appearing in Absolute Zero:

Our indisputable research methods have led us to this most likely OST track listing, which must be right because Science Is Never Wrong:

  1. Goldeneye N64 OST - Music From That Level With the Bathroom
  2. Rancid Butt Lunch - Gutcrunch Fuckstomp
  3. Almost That Composer Guy - Almost That One Song from Platoon, You Know the One I Mean
  4. Mescalindigo - Poledancing Polar Bears
  5. Dream Theater - Suite Science
  6. Thom Yorke - Thom Yorke Farts Into a Digital Microphone That Turns it Into Sick Chiptunes
  7. Blue Man Group - Blue My Lode (Blue the Man Down)
  8. Massive Attack - Why Did We Agree to Do This
  9. The DunDunDun Philharmonic Orchestra - Dun Dun Dun
  10. Nine Inch Nails - Frozen Like Your Corpse (In Miami)

In conclusion, Science Is Never Wrong. Q.E. motherfucking D.

Plot-10
Acting-7
Special Effects-8
Directing-9
Music / Sound-8
Overall-42/50


– Garrett "Hydrogen" Neil and Sean "Trillaphon" Neil (@trillaphon)

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