A big fat guy in an alley tells the four vampire runts where they can find a hulking man that they are looking for. As seems to be their preferred method of doing business, the vampires repay fatty's favor by eating his knees. That'll teach him to do business with filthy midgets.
Meet Whistler - I mean, Marcus and Edgar.
A hairy rich hobo-looking type by the name of Marcus buys a crappy painting from an art gallery, then goes back to the outside of his fabulous mansion, where his female servant brings him his cell phone and a glass of what could either be the worst wine ever made or some cool, refreshing Kool Aid. Marcus talks on the phone to someone named Edgar, then takes his private plane to Georgia, where Edgar is waiting for him with a car full of weapons. Edgar, as it turns out, is a pathetically old man whose legs apparently don't work. I don't mean he's in a wheelchair, I just mean he's never shown walking. Ever. He's actually a pretty convenient guy to have around. Like a dog with no legs, you can always find him just where you left him.
Meanwhile, Drexel and T-Bone pay a visit to a local bank or other place of business. It's tough to tell exactly what it is. Other things that are tough to tell include: why they are there, how they know to go there, and what their motivation is for being there. They walk right in, and encounter a crazed man who is either a really short normal human or a really tall midget. Either way, he's evidently a vampire, as Drexel and T-Bone promptly kill him with an injection of red liquid. At least, I hope he's a vampire. They never really say. They just bust in, kill the guy, and walk right out again. All in a day's work for Georgia's busiest half-undead vampire hunter and his half-pint buddy. While they are inside killing random people, someone steal their bike by fiddling with the sidecar with a wrench. Now, granted I don't know much about motorcycles, but I'd have to think that if you could steal someone's bike just by touching the sidecar with a wrench for a couple seconds, security would be a pretty major issue for bike enthusiasts. Oh well. When Drexel and T-Bone find that their ride is gone, they take the loss on the chin and rectify the situation by beating up a completely innocent passerby and stealing his car. Our heroes, ladies and gentlemen. Well, gentlemen. Well, nerds.
HEE HEE! HA HA! HOO HOO! TITTER!
The four mini vampires show up at the local auto body shop where their target works. The first person they encounter is not their intended victim, but just another mechanic. They ask where to find the big guy, then the lead vampire picks up one of the mechanic's wrenches. Now, I realize things are a little more laid back down in Georgia than they are up north, and people treat each other right, but if I was laying down on my back and a bunch of thugged-out munchkins surrounded me and started waving wrenches in my general direction, I'd be a little nervous. Not this mechanic, though! He doesn't suspect anything is awry until well after they've beaten him to death. That's when Ray finally shows up. If they are looking for a big guy, they came to the right place. He is indeed on the big side, there's no question about that. Not much of an actor, though. He stumbles through the few brief lines of dialogue he gets before the little shrimps pin him down and two of them lift the magical sword. I say "magical," because that is the only way I can think of to explain how they didn't have the sword with them a minute ago, but now they do. Magic!
He's a big fella. Nothing funny about that.
I'm under the impression that Adam Minarovich didn't actually write dialogue for this part of the script. Actually, I'm pretty sure he didn't write dialogue for any of it. That would explain an awful lot. But here especially, my guess is he just told his diminutive actors to keep shouting some random, mystical-sounding words, and then gave them a few examples, because the two vampires holding the sword basically take turns spewing out one of three gibberish words chosen seemingly at random. It's the only scene in the movie where you can see their eyes over the rims of their sunglasses, and from the way their eyes are shifting around, I'd say they really, really want Minarovich to just say "cut" already so they can stop winging it. While they're making tiny little asses out of themselves, Ray's sister Karen calls the police from her hiding place in the next room. A total lack of acting ability must run in their family, since Karen is the worst thing to happen to the acting profession since Melanie Hustle. Actually, the actress is Adam Minarovich's sister, so you can take that however you want.
Now, It's a known fact that there is no more adorable creature on God's green earth than a sweet-natured blonde Southern belle. It is also a known fact that there is no more irritating skank roaming this planet than an ill-tempered blonde Southern belle. Believe me when I say that everything that comes out of Karen's mouth would be completely justifiable grounds for homicide. If this movie was an intestinal tract, Karen would be the searing gas pains. Her accent is too thick to permit her access to the better half of the alphabet. Every other line she has is something about "my brother," which is unfortunate, since I've met deaf, retarded Iranians who can pronounce "my brother" with better diction. Anyway, while she's on the phone, the midgets stab Ray with the sword, turning him into a vampire instantly. Oddly, and perhaps fortunately, Ray never speaks as a vampire, he only growls. I have to imagine I'd growl too if I had to take my orders from a bunch of three-foot gangstas - even if they do have two inch fangs.
Unfortunately, the movie takes a turn for the worst here. The midgets stick around, but they generally stay in the background while Big Ray does all the work. Naturally, this means that there is no longer any reason to watch the rest of this movie. Whereas before you could at least laugh at the hilarity of a bunch of freaking hobbits trying to act tough, now there's nothing. And in a movie as technically flawed as this one, the lack of a midgicentric plot is a major detriment. Even the title "Ankle Biters" isn't any good anymore. It should really be called "A Half Hour of Ankle Biters, Then a Big Neck Biter." And forget the theme song. I've already put together the new lyrics:
Three feet tall! Two inch fangs!
(Three feet tall.)
Except for that guy over there!
Man, I am just a comedy tornado today!
The police, as luck would have it, are currently at the scene of the dead fat guy from before when they get the call about Ray being attacked by sword-wielding dwarves. They immediately do what any reasonable metropolitan police force would to in that situation: they call Drexel, the man who just beat a innocent bystander unconscious so he could steal his car. Apparently Drexel is like Batman - he gave the police a way to contact him whenever there's trouble they can't handle. Unlike Batman, however, this is less of a cool sky signal and more along the lines of his cell phone number. It gets the job done though. Of course, the police can't leave this matter solely in the hands of Drexel and T-Bone. Also like in Batman, the cops first have to dispatch some of their own man to go to the scene of the crime and spectacularly fail to stop the bad guy. The police arrive at the body shop first, but by the time they get there, Ray is back on his feet. They were told that he was under attack by dwarves, and if there's one thing the Georgia police can't stand, it's people getting their hopes up for some high quality dwarf bashing, only to find that everything is under control. So naturally, they open fire on Ray. Luckily for him, though, his new vampiric strength makes him so tough that the close range shotgun blast not only doesn't hurt him, it doesn't even hurt his shirt! Now that's tough!
Eh, the whole midget thing's not that funny anymore. That's a pretty funky chopper, though.
Now if I were 6'4" and strong enough to take a shotgun blast to the chest without flinching, or, factoring in bad acting, with only flinching, I don't think I'd take orders from a bunch of pissants half my size. But that's me. Ray, on the other hand, immediately becomes the midgets' fucking chauffeur. I don't know where it came from, but all of a sudden he's riding a chopper down the road that has a big bench seat in the back. It's got to be the sweetest deal ever for the midgets - they were never big enough to ride a motorcycle on their own, but now they've got a gigantic killing machine driving them around on one. The only problem is the seat is only wide enough for three of them, so one of them has to follow behind in a car, which I don't think is entirely safe, but whatever. Ray and his minute overlords have to come to a sudden stop when they encounter a road block - a road block of justice, that is, in the form of Drexel and T-Bone! The midgets send Ray out to dispose of the troublesome hunters. Drexel tosses his gun aside, preferring to take on this new foe the old fashioned way. After a lot of posturing and hard looks, Drexel gets the everloving shit kicked out of him, which is just amazingly gratifying for me, let me tell you. Since T-Bone is utterly useless as anything more than a gun caddy, Drexel would be done for if not for the timely intervention of an arrow into Ray's back, courtesy of Marcus. Ray and the midgets hop back on their bike and take off, leaving Drexel and Marcus to face each other. It seems they've met before and they're not too fond of each other, but Marcus lets him go this time.
Someone want to tell me what's up with the corners?
After Marcus and Edgar drive away, Karen comes out of nowhere, slaps T-Bone, and starts bitching about her "brawthah." It seems she's not only a terrible actress, but she's also a horrible bigot who thinks all midgets who dress like thugs look alike. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's blatant heightism. Midgets may be small in stature and rank in odor, but their hearts are as big as anyone's. At least, I think they are. I'm honestly not positive about that. I think we're dissecting a midget next semester, so I'll tell you then. Oh, don't get offended. It's not like they're real people. Drexel convinces Karen to stop slapping T-Bone and come back to their super secret hideout, so all's well that ends well. My problem is this: was that really the best way Adam Minarovich could think of to get Drexel and Karen to meet? Would it have been so damn hard to have Ray abduct his own sister for a meal for him and his new friends later on down the road, only to have Drexel and T-Bone save her from them during the fight? Then the script could have gotten into Karen's inner conflict as she has to reconcile seeing midgets stab her brother with being rescued by T-Bone, and her eventual triumph over her own prejudices. That's like a million times better than anything that actually made it into the "Ankle Biters" script, and that's just off the top of my head! But no, instead she just happens to appear right there, just moments after her brother, even though she's traveling on foot and he's riding a freaking motorcycle. I hate this movie.
Editor's Note: Due to a freak power outage, this obituary of Barbara Bush was written without the benefit of research. In order to pay our respects to this great woman in a timely fashion, we have decided to post this piece as-is. We hope you forgive any errors on our part.
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Sea of Thieves: Reduced the number of quest types from 3 to 2
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