Unnnnh...I may look girlish but I'm all man, sister! Like any good movie from the eighties Bronx Executioner features a training montage. Black Man thinks that Crowley isn't ready to be a sheriff and tries to whip him into shape by forcing him to shove his way through hanging sacks of dirt, jump through fire, hang from a railing while he beats Crowley's fingers, and crawl under a single row of barbwire. Then Black Man makes him shoot transparencies of men from the LL Bean catalog and when Crowley doesn't perform up to snuff he gets fired. After getting his walking papers Crowley takes a nap and wakes up to find a letter from Black Man saying he retired and he is making Crowley the sheriff. If this doesn't make a lot of sense to you, welcome to my world bitch.
After that happens we get a soliloquy from Dakkar who is lamenting the disappearance of what seems to be his girlfriend, who vanished after the massacre overseen by Margie. It should be noted that at this point the person overdubbing Dakkar's voice is no longer a black guy but a white guy. He runs off to look for his missing girl in a muscle shirt and a machinegun while his buddy Ned tries to convince him to return to humanoid HQ. Ned gives an impassioned speech about Dakkar just being a machine like the rest of the humanoids and, after an uncomfortably long pause, Dakkar fires back with a hotly worded "who cares?" For her part Margie has some personnel problems to resolve herself. A headband wearing android gang member wants to kill so bad that he's considering turning what appears to be a five barreled crossbow on his comrades. A good laugh is had by all when he pulls the trigger and the weapon isn't loaded, proving that even androids have a sense of humor. Oh they're such cards!
In the future robot dicks are so high tech they can phase through clothing like ghosts! The girl that Dakkar is searching for turns out to be jogging breathlessly through an abandoned factory that looks eerily similar to the one featured in almost every scene of the movie. I guess Dakkar didn't think to look there what with all of the gravel pits he has to drive around. Margie and her crew aren't quite as stupid and immediately capture the mystery girlfriend of Dakkar. Margie leers and makes disconcerting hand movements in the background while crossbow guy from the previous scene rapes the woman. More amusingly he refers to the wall of muscle Dakkar as a "tub of lard" and somehow completes the act without ever removing her pants. Margie then shoots her, which would be horrifying and shocking if the character had not been introduced about two minutes earlier.
Amid the jungle noises and gravel pits of the Bronx Sector Forest Preserve Dakkar finds and recovers the body of his beloved and then reports back to Ned with some of the most emotionally vacant acting I've ever seen. Wake up Dakkar, your girlfriend was just raped and killed, even humanoids can cry at times like that. Dakkar's big plan to get back at Margie is to go crawling to pretty boy cop Crowley and ask for help. Crowley doesn't want to help Dakkar at first, but a helpful verbal flashback to dialogue from the Black Man that was never even in the movie before changes his mind. As any good cop would Crowley agrees to help Dakkar seek vigilante justice and for his part Dakkar gives Crowley the awesome nickname "The White Man". That's creativity folks, those humanoids are like Picasso.
The androids may live in luxury but their craving for wormcans cannot be satiated. Meanwhile, back at the well-groomed android villa's high tech security center - wait, WHAT?! Where the fuck did this ten million dollar villa come from? That security guard is eating an apple, if they're living it up here at casa de Margie why the hell are they out fighting over cans of live worms? There's no easy answer. Anyway, at the villa Shark has a feeling that the humanoids are up to something and orders the security grid strengthened.
The humanoid plan of attack seems to center on Dakkar, his men, and Crowley climbing through the same abandoned factory that most of the rest of the movie takes place in or around. This they do with vigor, scrambling over pipes and up catwalks, for several padded minutes of intense not-quite-action. Apparently the abandoned factory leads directly into the security room of the villa. Dakkar, whose men vanished during the intense walking sequence, disposes of one of Margie's guards while Crowley takes out another.
While Dakkar and Crowley are walking tensely around the inside of the security control room occasionally shooting androids that enter, Margie is upstairs in the villa living the high life. For evil android gang leaders the high life involves watching weird red and black video footage of rape and hanging out with the gang that includes a woman that appears to be a super hero and a man in a shirt that say "MARIJUANA" on it. Exhausted from too much wild partying like this she heads off to bed. Shark is all turned on by watching the grainy red rape video and he confesses his robot love for her, but Margie will have none of that. Spurned Shark watches from the shadows as Margie undresses and then gets busy with a random robodude who just walks in.
Some helpful tips about forcing God's Love on total strangers this Christmas season.
Good day. We are Hester and Karl, and we are something rare. We are a couple ... of Stock Photo Lifestylists! Lifestylers? We lead a Stock Photo Lifestyle.
It's still okay to like Ben Stiller, guys.
Something Awful reviews the absolute worst movies out there. We focus mostly on horror and science fiction, because all writers here on Something Awful are huge nerds.