Yes! Go green dot! Red dot, move in! Margie and "Mark" have their lusty evening spoiled by Drakkar and his crew of men wearing the most bad ass leather headbands ever. The squad of humanoids has invaded the property and, I thought, disabled the security grid. But Crowley is nowhere to be seen and the security grid is apparently still working fine. Margie heads to the control room to use her remote controlled dogs to pick off Dakkar's headband team one humanoid at a time. She grins ecstatically as glowing green dots move slowly around a map of the property, but is provided with a close up live video feed when the dogs finally chew their way to Dakkar himself. Dakkar's epic struggle with the dogs is the most convincing man versus beast sequence since Steve Reeves portrayed Hercules battling lions in 1959's "Hercules Unchained". The dog looks slightly confused and like it might lick Dakkar's face off at any second while Dakkar very slowly swings its head back and forth in a bear hug.
When Dakkar finally squeezes the dogs to death Margie sends a 911 page to Shark who promises to wipe the humanoids out. Crowley and some more of Dakkar's humanoid men, this time of the elite ski-mask variety, rejoin Dakkar just in time to clash with Shark and his men. Dakkar and his men make such quick work of Shark's cronies that we don't even get to see them die, it just cuts to some dude walking around and when it returns all of the henchmen are sprawled dead on the ground. Shark is another story as he wields his cute little baby uzi to dispatch several of Dakkar's ski-mask squad.
Have at you, knave! Crowley, who has set off on his own again, takes out crossbow rapist and his buddy but allows super hero girl to escape on a motorcycle. Her flight is short lived however. In one of the best movie deaths in film history a guy fires a shotgun at her as she rides past on her motorcycle. This catches her on fire and she and the motorcycle jump off a ramp, fly through the air, and land in a ravine where they both explode. This death more than makes up for missing out on the action with Shark's men earlier.
Back inside the villa Crowley has run up against stiff opposition as almost a dozen of Shark's men attack him Hogan's Alley style by one after another stepping into doorways while he stands still. He manages to gun them all down without reloading. In a sequence that defies all logic of building layouts Dakkar fights his way up two flights of stairs and then immediately fights his way down two flights of adjacent stairs. What makes it even more perplexing is that at the bottom of the last flight he comes face to face with Shark who is also descending a flight of stairs. A hand to hand combat ensues involving a giant combat knife, a pitch fork, a bamboo pole, and ultimately some of the worst fisticuffs I've ever seen. Dakkar just hulks around and gets punched while Shark flails like a girl and frequently stumbles on scenery. In the end Dakkar punches Shark's face so hard that his neck tears open revealing the android prize of tinfoil, noodles, and honey.
Here you go lard ass! Crowley congratulates Dakkar on punching Shark's head off but the festivities are brought to a halt when Margie descends yet more stairs with a gun in her hands. Dakkar jumps in front of Crowley and is gunned down, Crowley returns the favor and plants a couple bullets into Margie. Dakkar admits as he lays dying that he always wanted to be human and in a moving gesture Crowley puts his sheriff's badge on the humanoid's ripped up tank top. Cue sassy saxophone music and roll credits.
Back in the 1980s it was the dawn of the straight to video age, when virtually any movie could be effectively sold to rental chains if it had an interesting enough box cover. I'm sure the original box for Bronx Executioner had dragons, lasers, and at least 30 busty women in torn dresses. I'm equally certain that anyone who made the mistake of renting this movie would have been near suicide by about the training montage part. I'm going to have to dock this movie extra points for the rape scene which, while horrible enough on its own, was doubly so when you realize that its only purpose was to have female nudity.
In the end this movie raises more questions than it answers. In the future why is the Bronx a woodland preserve surrounding a gravel pit? Why does Margie give a fuck about the androids when she lives in a Spanish villa with robotic dogs? How is one sheriff with a pistol supposed to prevent all of these androids and humanoids from just walking away from the Bronx and into Manhattan? What is this emotion you humans call "love"? None of these questions are answered in "Bronx Executioner", but then again no one watches a movie called "Bronx Executioner" looking for answers.
|Special Effects:||- 7|
|Music / Sound:||- 8|
Each category in the rating system is based out of a possible -10 score (-10 being the worst). The overall score is based out of a possible -50 score (-50 being the worst).
With all these great tats, it's safe to say I'm the most unique person on earth. Which sounds great, until you realize how lonely it is.
FULLY SPOTTED DOG - My attempts to remove the spots from a Dalmatian completely backfired, and now I have a useless dog that is all spots and nothing else.
Welcome to Tony Ha (loading... loading...) wk's Pro (unreadable due to blurry texture)
Something Awful reviews the absolute worst movies out there. We focus mostly on horror and science fiction, because all writers here on Something Awful are huge nerds.