INT. YET ANOTHER ROOM IN DEVIL'S TOMB BUNKER (& BAR & GRILL) - ?:??PM. SQUAD BERET SEAL TEAM 999 IS FIRING THEIR GUNS WILDLY DOWN EMPTY HALLWAYS AND THROWING GRENADES IN EVERY POSSIBLE DIRECTION, YELLING CHOICE EXPLETIVES WHILE DOING SO.
Johnny Rockets, Trigger Mitch, Slick Jeffy, Corndog, Animal Husband, Bunkjumper, Elbow Missile, Fudgy, Butter Blaster, on me!
I want gorilla haircuts here, here, and here - extra pomade, and a wide-tooth comb. And gentlemen? Go heavy on the lather. Hooah?
Squad Beret Seal Team 999 [together]
SIR! YES SIR! SIR HOOAH SIR!
Cpl. Webster "Wee Willy Wondernuts" Watson
WHOO, THIS IS AN EXPRESS ELEVATOR TO HELL, GOING DOWN! DOWN TO HELL THAT IS! LIKE IN THAT ONE MOVIE, ONLY LITERALLY TO HELL! WHOOOOO!
That's some nice whoo-ing son. Alright you bunch of contemptible women ladies, let's lock and load, and then lock again just to make sure.
Once you're done with that, get ready to kick some ass, cause it's porking time and I'm all outta vealchops.
Frag 'em and bag 'em!
Pvt. Butter Blaster
Slap 'em and cap 'em!
The squad keeps shooting. Hundreds of zombie devils fall to the ground in a shower of really elaborate squib goop, fake brain explosions, and 80 gallons of primo top-shelf SFX gak.
This is some real horror-porn shit Captain, hooah? (winks to camera, nods knowingly as he shoots a zombie through the eye with the gun behind his back in X-ray super-slow mo)
INT: sleeping quarters of Devil's Tomb Historical Site and Christian Amusement Park. PFC Steve "Slippy Clive" Carlton is passing the time on watch by thumbing through a slightly less erotic version of the Sears catalog. Suddenly, a NAKED LADY comes into the room. She jumps up and down a few times for effect, while making sexy sounds to wake up any viewers who might have passed out by now.
Mmm, I just love a man in uniform. It gets so lonely out here, all alone in this Science Tomb in the middle of the desert, with only Satan and his dark minions to keep me company.
Yowza wowza! So hey, are you a succubus, or...well, probably not, silly of me to ask really.
SLIPPY CLIVE and the NAKED LADY make out for awhile, until she claws his eyes out and knees him in the groin to death. Lots of surprise sound effects in the background to make sure everyone in the audience is surprised, and SLIPPY CLIVE throws up 6 pints of goblin blood.
And you thought women had one-dimensional script intros that treated them like sex objects. Ewoks have it even worse.
No one seems to like the new Doom box art. But it's still the same old Doom Guy under that space marine helmet. Right?
Something Awful reviews the absolute worst movies out there. We focus mostly on horror and science fiction, because all writers here on Something Awful are huge nerds.