Trillaphon: This definitely feels like one of those movies where the special effect came first, and everything else came second. That dumb fireball was probably 80% of their whole budget.
Hydrogen: It's not a terrible effect, but when your actors all react to their own impending flaming death with mild inquisitiveness, it sort of detracts from the realism just a tad.
Trillaphon: I like how EXECUTIVE PRODUCER Kevin Sorbo and his army buddy just instantly decide to turn tail and leave their friends for dead pretty much as soon as they fall down. Their company motto must be "leave most men behind."
Hydrogen: No, no, there was totally nothing they could do, because according to the movie those guys were "swallowed by a concave fissure - they open and close in moments!"
Trillaphon: I'm no geologist, but I think I'd like a second opinion on their exciting new theory of naturally-occurring rock sphincters that just shit out columns of fire like somebody just cracked open the Ark of the Covenant.
Hydrogen: We should also note that officially, that fireball is made of chemicals that are attracted to water, which easily explains why it likes to glide along the surface of a fucking lake, ignoring all the water around it and chasing water-skiers.
Trillaphon: And yet by some miracle, that's not even the stupidest part of the whole fireball premise. This is:
Hydrogen: What the fuck.
Trillaphon: Quickly, into the wooden barn full of dried hay, the perfect place to hide from fire! Oh shit, it's after us again! Quickly, into the pool of water, the perfect place to hide!
Hydrogen: I mean, it's one thing to just fly in the face of science, common sense, and basic human decency, that's pretty much every sci-fi movie we come across. But could they at least have the common fucking courtesy to not directly contradict their own rules within the same goddamn movie?
Trillaphon: Just another great executive decision from EXECUTIVE PRODUCER Kevin Sorbo.
Hey, friends! Steve Mnuchin is taking a trip to the money. Let's go with him!
Those NFL players have really stuck their knees in it this time!
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Something Awful reviews the absolute worst movies out there. We focus mostly on horror and science fiction, because all writers here on Something Awful are huge nerds.