The Vein: While the crowds are still filing in, let’s go over some of the main competitors in today’s contest of cybernetic killtrocities.
Haymaker: The smart money has to be on last year’s defending champion, Johnny Casanova, the Anthropoid Made of Asteroid, the Filipino Bambino - let’s roll a clip from one of his recent overground street matches:
The Vein: Ouch, right in the e-giblets - somebody’s gonna be pissing cranberry sauce tonight, Hank. Great technique on that Yakuza Kick, and a smooth follow-up with the Tilt-a-Whirl Crossbody Crossfade there.
Haymaker: Johnny may have stuffed those street bots like genetically engineered hyper-turkeys, Zane, but he’s going to have his work cut out for him this year in the highly anticipated title bout against seven-time world dumbbell dancing champion and convicted serial terminator Brick “The Bamboozler” Brannigan:
The Vein: That’s the kind of muscle tone you can only get with a combination of illegal muscle implants and a strict all-cold cut diet. Which reminds me that this sports wave is brought to you by Hillel Herschel’s Holographic Ham Substitute. Hillel’s: it’s virtually kosher!
Haymaker: Speaking of ringing endorsements, I know I wouldn’t be here tonight to cash my outrageously large endorsement check without the support of the great folks at Albino Al’s Artisanal Automatons and their patented Cyber System For Men:
The Vein: I don’t even have the slightest idea what that thing is or does, but I’ve already ordered two dozen of them.
Haymaker: It may look like a Kinder Surprise made of protocol droid skulls, but damn if it doesn’t keep me calibrated all day long.
After years of being misunderstood, I had hoped we finally had "our" story. I was wrong.
He had a yellow inflatable tube around his waist, the kind with a comical duck head. There was a tiny fish in one of his hands, and a trident in the other. In the background a squirrel wearing shades was water skiing.
For fans of meaningless awards, these awards are extra meaningless.
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