Wow, that sure was a great story that happened way back then! But we're glad it's over and we can get back to being cool in the '90s, here in California, with our cool vanity plates and sexually liberated camping trips in our cars that don't have tops because it's so warm, here in California!
Oh that? That's just our buddy Matt, he's the hero, that's just kind of his thing, it's all cool. Josie's not his old lady but he's crushin on her like a sweet frothy California A-Frame, but he has to watch out for Old Man Lucas, haha! Matt gets lost and stops to get directions from a big, friendly giant. Matt calls the giant King Kong because he's so funny and fun to be with, and then goes inside the diner to have a nice chat with a strange, colorful girl who wants to eat some nuts with him. But Matt would rather warm up with a nice bowl of TEDS TEXAS CHILLI.
Matt and his '90s friends like to do cool '90s things, like walking around in a stiff line pretending to be in an episode of Scooby Doo.
But Matt's very favorite thing to do is almost get to second base with Josie, who thinks Matt is such a super-hunk that she took a break from being dead just to hang out with him. She puts on her favorite late-classical seduction record and offers him an evening of depraved sex, hooray!
Matt really likes Josie, but he's nervous because he doesn't want to cheat on his girlfriend, who is the King of Pop. But spending the last half-century entombed in a big fake sarcophagus has made Josie into a master(ess) of seduction!
Just then, King Lucas comes and chases poor Matt away! Lucas doesn't like it when strangers come into town and mack on his dead daughter. The only thing Lucas hates more than strangers are the gophers in his front lawn:
"Really, Holmes!" I dropped into my seat, shocked. "You are remarkably tall! What are you, six foot six? Six foot eight?"
As the 19th century diver approaches a giant clam, a flash of brilliant golden light flares from within the shell. I emerge in a swirl of bubbles and do the timeless universal underwater hand signals for the following: ZODIAC KILLER, KKK, BLOOD OF YOUTH
Something Awful reviews the absolute worst movies out there. We focus mostly on horror and science fiction, because all writers here on Something Awful are huge nerds.