But back to the movie. The final fifteen minutes of the movie are spent with Dark and Aric arguing about who is smarter. They have learned each other's tactics, and don't waste any time bragging about it. Imagine two retards, neither of whom know how to play chess, pushing pieces around the board and waving their cocks at each other and you'll get the general feel of this scene.
First, Aric brags that the detective really isn't dead, he just paid the guy $5000 to play dead until Dark shows up. Dark laughs and says that he gave the detective $5000 more to play like he was playing dead for Aric, and that he was actually still working for Dark. The detective turns his gun on Aric, when out of nowhere, one of Aric's coworkers pops up and fires a shot from the upper floor. Dark shoots the detective and runs. Aric finds Dark in the woods behind the house, and the movie's final minutes are spent showing a boring, obviously choreographed fight between the two.
Along with being a cross-dresser, Dark is also adept at fighting. He tells Aric he has "trained (his) body for years," and that he is impervious to things like "sticks, swords, and fists." A small scuffle ensues, during which Aric falls down very slowly (as to not hurt himself). He reaches under a pile of leaves and pulls out a gun.
"But, your gun was over there," Dark says, horrified, possibly because his blouse doesn't match his shoes.
"I plan for things," Aric says. "You know how many guns I hid in these woods? Eighteen."
Eighteen. That's a good, random figure. If guns were dollars Aric would have one dollar more than what Kangas spent making the film. Whatever the money situation, though, Aric shoots Dark in the head.
But the movie's not over there. Kangas knows the thing a film needs to feel complete, and that thing is even more monologue. Aric decides it's time to leave town, so he tells us all about killing everyone in his office, then escaping in an old muscle car that was not shown once until this point in the movie. Interlaced with flashes of him standing naked in his old house, brandishing a sword and covered in blood, Aric lets us in on easily the scariest part of the movie:
"Who knows where I'm going. A man like me, it could be anywhere. Maybe I just might end up in your town."
Why is it terrifying? Well, we've seen how Aric deals with rival serial killers. Like everything else in his life he is cold. Calculating. He doesn't like other people edging in on his territory, and his territory is murder.
Well, he's gonna have to put up with some stiff competition if he comes to my town, because if they decide to film something like "Hunting Humans" in Bloomington, Indiana I can guarantee some motherfuckers are going to die. And that's a promise.
|Special Effects:||- 7|
|Music / Sound:||- 4|
2 PM: Steven J. accidentally drops his vintage Trapper Keeper, revealing erotic drawings of the ‘bunny girls’ emoji. The room draws silent. Slowly, member after member opens his/her notebooks and tablets, revealing dozens of pages of bunny girl emoji fanart. The room votes 12-0 never to speak of this again.
He was ripped off for True Detective, now Thomas Ligotti is being asked to review Pizza Hut's new Hotdog Pizza Bites.
Something Awful reviews the absolute worst movies out there. We focus mostly on horror and science fiction, because all writers here on Something Awful are huge nerds.