Yes, Shawn had a flashback of the being in the woods with a fat man, causing him to have a flashback of living in the 1800's! He then goes to his window, looks out, sees a dark, shadowy figure approaching, and then exclaims, "Pumpkin Man!" Guess what happens at that point? Yup, you got it, HE WAKES UP AGAIN! Shawn apparently has the amazing ability to have a dream inside a dream inside a dream! I wish I had that talent and could wake myself up right now, proving that "Jacko" never existed.
Suddenly it's the next day and Shawn and his two friends are walking down the sidewalk, yammering nonstop about the important issues and topics kids these days always talk about:
Jacko the evil Satanic Pumpkin-headed freak of death
These crazy kids can't get in enough words about that wacky Jacko and spooky witches! Suddenly a witch pulls up in her Honda (one of the kids identifies her as a witch), and the three dopes run away to hide behind some bushes. The mean boy starts badmouthing witches in general and tries to stone her from 50 feet away [1.6 megs], but Shawn is a sensitive, modern-age boy who is fed up with the constant witch stereotypes, so they get into a fight. The witch runs over, freaks the mean kid out, and takes Shawn home. Despite her freakishly scary hair, Shawn walks with her.
Back at home, Shawn's dad is getting psyched up and ready for the grand gala of all Halloween events. Yes, you guessed it, THE HAUNTED GARAGE. Let me repeat that for sheer emphasis.
Sends chills through your bones doesn't it? I mean, it's like a normal garage... but it's HAUNTED! This is the stuff nightmares is made of folks! Where's the power drill? Who knows! All rules are broken when you enter THE HAUNTED GARAGE!
Since the movie is proceeding a bit too fluidly, the director chooses to break it up by inserting another flashback. This time Shawn is in the 1800's, wearing his pajamas and being chased by the cameraman. How did I know he was fleeing from the cameraman? Simple: the camera tripod casts a gigantic shadow over the fence [321 k]. That's some quality movie there, folks. Shawn walks into THE HAUNTED BARN, sees a couple zombies (which naturally cause him to fall over) [775 k], catches a glimpse of Jacko, and then wakes up from his flashback - IN HIS BEDROOM! What the hell is wrong with this kid? I've heard of walking in your sleep, but how the hell does he get around, change his clothes, and end up in inside people's houses all while having flashbacks from Pioneer times? Anyway, the flashback ends and the witch says, "your father tells me your favorite TV show is on now." Dialogue ripped straight from Shakespeare, folks.
Suddenly it's nighttime and we're out in the woods. Some evil teenagers (they're wearing plaid, torn jeans, and are with a trashy girl, so we know they're evil) are looking for a cemetery. You know, because that's what all the cool James Dean-esque rebels do at night. Idiot teenager #1 finds a Styrofoam tombstone and acts like a general moron [296 k], thereby notifying the entire audience that he has approximately 19 seconds to live before he's turned into a fleshy bag of ground chuck roast.
Back to THE HAUNTED SUBURBS. Shawn and his dad are watching something which could quite possibly be one of the greatest television shows to never exist [1.1 megs]. The main character has some "scary" cackling laugh which sounds like a severely constipated Penguin from "Batman". Shawn's parents begin babbling on and on about how much money they're going to raise with their incredibly ingenious HAUNTED GARAGE idea and how all the money will go to the homeless, which is about the stupidest idea I've ever heard. Let the homeless build their own damn HAUNTED GARAGE. Seeing a wretched, psychotic, filthy drifter leap at me with a shank he dug out of a dog's gut would be infinitely more frightening that watching a middle aged yuppie in a plastic Dracula cape run around like some fool with Down's Syndrome. They could probably think of a better name than "HAUNTED GARAGE" too.
2 PM: Steven J. accidentally drops his vintage Trapper Keeper, revealing erotic drawings of the ‘bunny girls’ emoji. The room draws silent. Slowly, member after member opens his/her notebooks and tablets, revealing dozens of pages of bunny girl emoji fanart. The room votes 12-0 never to speak of this again.
He was ripped off for True Detective, now Thomas Ligotti is being asked to review Pizza Hut's new Hotdog Pizza Bites.
Something Awful reviews the absolute worst movies out there. We focus mostly on horror and science fiction, because all writers here on Something Awful are huge nerds.