What do you get when a classified government research facility has "bring your daughter to work day", and she gets to use the top-secret research mainframe to draw MSPaint pictures of horsies? The creative minds behind The Vector File would probably mumble something incoherent about mega-smallpox, international intrigue, and how they've never heard of this X-Files program or met anyone who does graphic design for them, honest. We don't know about any of that stuff (except that it's all lies), but there sure are lots of mysterious men randomly appearing to threaten our buddy Casper with shotguns, probably just because they're Jaw Jealous(TM).
Pictured: the One Horsie of the Apocalypse.That's right boys and girls, the only thing G-Men hate more than privacy, freedom, and having fun without them is little pictures of horsies. They can't fucking stand little pictures of horsies. They can't sleep, can't eat. Can't breathe. Up all night, pacing. Horsies. Little pictures of horsies. Just who are these little horsies pictured, and where did they come from? How did they get in there, of all places? A top secret supercomputer with...little pictures of horsies? Not in our America, you flag-hating fucks.
You should watch this movie if:
Yes, we know that this infamous movie was already reviewed right here on SA back in 2005, but let's face it: no one review could ever hope to fully contain the dimension-transcending audiovisual miracle event that is Dracula 3000. Starring Coolio and our Man of the Week, Dracula 3000 takes us on a magical journey to Transylvania Station on Planet Transylvania in the Carpathian Galaxy (that's where vampires come from in the year 3000, see). We could tell you about the mentally-deficient crack salvage crew of Coolio, "Tiny" Lister, and literally an intern who wandered onto the set, but as you've probably guessed by now, we're mainly here to talk about the Casper part of the equation.
So just how does one unlock the mysterious and many-chambered enigma that is Captain Abraham Van Helsing? One doesn't. One simply gazes at the humbling beauty and elegance of his perfection, and weeps with endless joy until finally one's heart explodes in one's chest like an Iditarod dog with bad genes and a major coke habit. But gaze quickly, since this is the only movie on this list in which Casper doesn't make it to the end. And what a shame it is, because he missed out on possibly the greatest/worst ending of any movie ever conceived:
You should watch this movie if:
The Amazonians value combat prowess and purity of spirit. By wrestling half naked, they pay homage to both virtues by displaying their battle-forged bodies while preserving as much modesty as their society deems necessary. The gelatin in which they wrestle is symbolic of the fluid nature of battle, a concept the Amazonians call ‘akgor-gra.’
Pros: Much more comfortable than my last toilet seat, which was a transparent resin with seashells embedded inside. The outer layer wore off from friction, exposing the sharp jagged edges of the seashells, which were constantly scrapping my backside and causing major cuts and open sores.
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