Trillaphon: This is how David Carradine really died, isn't it?
Hydrogen: Hey now, let's not drag the man's name through the dirt like that. Nothing wrong with a guy accidentally strangling himself to death while masturbating.
Trillaphon: True, especially if he did it with the magic flying Powerglove thing from Future Force. But we digress. This isn't exactly the world's most user-friendly Sexmotron, is it?
Hydrogen: Consumer Reports gave it a 64/100 and said they felt "incredibly filthy" after testing it.
Trillaphon: At least by 2022 we can look forward to all of our primitive medieval Earth porn evolving into this insanely impractical and mostly rape-driven next-generation holo-smut.
Hydrogen: No, I don't think this is supposed to be typical of future pornographic enjoyment. He just asked for a realistic simulation of his experiences with actual women, hence why it's about 5 seconds of him mashing random buttons until she gets completely turned off and disappears.
Trillaphon: Oh, so then I guess the 10,000 volt nut shot is just the hyper-efficient holo-equivalent of the solid 12 minutes or so where she's just doubled-over from laughing at his penis.
Hydrogen: Exactly. The rest of it, well...I'm not sure if the language to describe it even exists.
Trillaphon: How about Japanese? They would be all over this sex machine; you can't see anybody's junk, the boundaries of sexual consent are really vague and there's a lot of conspicuously unnecessary but whimsical-looking mechanical parts. It's shameful yet strangely arousing...
Hydrogen: We're missing the real moral of this scene, which is that connecting your genitalia to a turbo-cooled Jagermeister dispenser with a length of dryer hose voids the warranty.
Trillaphon: The only difference between using a sex machine and a Jager dispenser is that the shame of using the latter increases exponentially if you're older than 22.
Hydrogen: I don't think I'm alone in thinking that zoom-out at the end is just a touch melodramatic. Like it would have been better if the aliens had just destroyed the Earth, and his family and girlfriend and favorite socks were all on Earth at the time, and then the aliens carved "FUCK YOU BUDDY" into the leftover debris field.
Cons: causes bad nightmares. I used to have to eat beef until I passed out to have these kind of terrors, but this machine does it for me every time I fall asleep inside it.
Sorry about the blurry photo. I was lunging at my phone, yelling at it to take a clear picture. It's the only image of me that exists. I'd take another picture for you, but I'm in the middle of a rigorous trampoline session.
Something Awful reviews the absolute worst movies out there. We focus mostly on horror and science fiction, because all writers here on Something Awful are huge nerds.