Hydrogen: So, what, they ran out of money and just decided to condense the salty mess hall grunt dialogue scene and creepy guy reading cartoonishly tasteless porn scene into one?
Trillaphon: 'Yeah, uh, can I get the Salisbury steak and a copy of Butnik Babes and Badonka Black Holes Weekly?'
Hydrogen: 'Sorry, but we're all out.'
Trillaphon: 'Alright then, just gimme the green bean casserole and Cosmonaughty Nurses XVII, I guess.'
Trillaphon: I like how a piece of food blatantly falls out of that guy's mouth, he awkwardly shovels it back in and eats it, and that's the take they decided to keep.
Hydrogen: You say that like they had any editing time to spare after working so hard to get their loving nonsensical tribute ot blaxploitation/softcore porn short film into the mix.
Hydrogen: Oh hey, it's the guy from Powder.
Trillaphon: And he is Born Again Hard.
Hydrogen: Apparently the space marine corps medical budget is running low, so they had to fix him with that tray of leftover tripe from lunch and some rubber cement that the cat threw up in.
Trillaphon: You went to the free clinic too huh? Yeah, big mistake, cause, uh, these melting spectral death masks we're buried alive in? Not going away any time soon. I don't even think his name was spelled right on the diploma in his office, and right before they put me under I could swear I saw him peeling my "living skin graft" off a fucking panini grill.
Trillaphon: Oh what, so you're too cool to talk to me now? Face not disfigured enough for you, Mr. Whole Face?
Hydrogen: I think this looks like the beginning of a beautiful new Twilight-style romance. Move over vampires and zombies, guys with debilitating rare skin ailments are here to stay!
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Something Awful reviews the absolute worst movies out there. We focus mostly on horror and science fiction, because all writers here on Something Awful are huge nerds.