Hydrogen: Just to be clear, the movie takes great pains to make sure we know Seagal is a badass secret agent, and the only evidence for who he might have worked for is the rusty Post Office van that a bunch of guys with guns pile out of.
Trillaphon: We've decided his official backstory is that he's a disavowed Canadian Post Special Forces agent, and now that the new Postmaster General is tying up loose ends, they're going to lose all of his mail and send him so many extra magazines he'll be able to build a fort.
Hydrogen: Either Seagal got a full throat transplant, or some asshole dubbed over half of his lines with a half-assed attempt at imitating his throaty whisper-yelling.
Trillaphon: Those guys didn't stand a chance against his really slow and badly telegraphed fat-fu moves. At least he went easy on them and didn't break out the dreaded slow-mo somersault....yet
Hydrogen: He'd normally do more spinning 360 jump kicks upside their heads, but he just came back from Rosie's Diner and he's got the meat sweats something fierce, so he's limited to the Way of the Fatso.
Trillaphon: Snacks on, snacks off. Snacks on, snacks off. Snatch the Twinkie from my hand, grasshopper...ooh, too slow.
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Something Awful reviews the absolute worst movies out there. We focus mostly on horror and science fiction, because all writers here on Something Awful are huge nerds.