Overview: I have been staring at my monitor for about three hours now, eyes bloodshot and encrusted with mysterious substances. I'm no stranger to the awful, but sometimes I come across a game or movie so bad that I almost don't want to joke about it. I should not be writing a comedic article about Surf School. I should be holding a candlelight vigil for all of the brain cells that have valiantly lain down their lives in the line of duty. They didn't even have a chance.
Director: Joel "Raptor Red's New Euphamism for Undesirable Sex Acts" Silverman, 2006
The Case For: They certainly do pack multiple gags into each and every scene!
The Case Against: ...about boners, pooping, and wacky homosexuals.
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You guys may be handsome and completely without personalities but unless one of you becomes a zany Jew from the Bronx you will never be the Cliche Superfriends!
Maybe I should be more positive about all of this. Yes!! Another movie where we celebrate high school as the most important part of the human life cycle! Because we learn about genitals in high school!! Gee isn't that cool, a movie about high school and that also talks about genitals??? A whole lot???? And then makes you watch extensive footage of a man detailing the fruits of his labors to his pals?????
There's no shortage of embarrassing movies like this, of course, but Surf School is double-extra-sugarplum-special. It manages, somehow, to take the nauseating but basically infallible Teenage Movie Formula and somehow fuck it up. I mean Raptor Island has cuddly animals, and at least Transmorphers looks like tacky porno if you get drunk enough. Alas, Surf School is a yawning void of creativity, a black hole where mediocre ideas are torn asunder and reborn as beings of pure cliche and tack. *sips chardonnay* I mean for God's sake, the story starts off with a trio of BULLIES standing around scoffing at some MISFITS in HIGH SCHOOL. See, our misfits aren't allowed to go on the CLASS TRIP to Costa Rica because--
The obligatory Japanese Exchange Student! Incidentally, why is every broken-English-speaking Asian exchange student from Japan? Are other Asian schoolchildren too backwards to look at a map and note the large moose-filled land mass to their immediate right or what?SURF SCHOOL SURF SCHOOL SURF SCHOOL SURF SCHOOL!
Oops! There goes the soundtrack, reminding you that you should forget that Joel Silverman wrote this screenplay by jamming a pen into his urethra and waving his boner around! Don't bother trying to follow the plot, because there isn't really one. Everyone is immediately in Costa Rica, where they must train vigorously to face the bullies in a huge surfing event that hundreds of beachgoers crowd the sand to watch. A surfing event where the contestants are eight dweebs from some miscellaneous American high school. Right.
Oh right, I almost forgot our dynamic cast!
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
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