In order to provide robot-avoiding filler, Leigh Scott took it upon himself to write the best original characters since xXBishiTrunks667Xx's Megaman fanfic. There are a lot of characters in this thing, each part of a web of interpersonal relationships that I might have paid attention to if they weren't boring. They include:
- hey guys raptor red noticed i have a london accent and she is just going to run with it for this article okay? okay cool.Captain Hero: A hardened ex-criminal who is referred to as "very dangerous" and "ruthless," which is future slang for "virtuous Boy Scout with a British accent." He committed the unthinkable crime of actually wanting to fight the robots, which would mean we would have to see the robots, and we can't have that. Now he's back after being frozen in a contrived plot device for five years, sassily leading afighting squadgroup of people that wanders around remarking about how they might kill some robots sometime. He's also not terribly observant, because he's very surprised to discover that WARNING DRAMATIC PLOT TWISTS OFF THE STARBOARD BOW he's been a robot his whole life, even when the script tells us they don't eat, drink, do anything at all interesting, etc.
- General von Eyeliner: She's a legit hardcore military babe who just happens to wear more eyeliner than Johnny Depp on Broadway! Her hobbies include shouting orders into empty hallways,biting her lip, and yelling at Our Hero so that we can feel bad that people are being mean to him. Off-screen, she's the frontwoman for every band you've ever heard in Hot Topic.
- Wifey: She doesn't have much of a character except that Hero had a thing for her before he got frozen. He gallantly spends every scene she's in hitting on her, which you'd think he wouldn't because her reaction to his internment was to almost immediately turn gay and marry the "Wow, your boyfriend's a jerk? That's terrible. I SO feel for you." woman who got rid of him. Then again, this is the same guy who didn't notice he can't poop his whole life.
- Itchy (his real name): Hero's vaguely disturbing sidekick who reminds me of the Creepy Shoulder Massage Kid, all grown up and in the future. Girl nerd readers: do you remember that guy from high school drama or band classes? The slightly unusual kid who was always just so glad to offer you a smiling face, or a shoulder to cry on, or some sweaty hands to grope all over your nubile young body, y'know, just for some platonic stress relief? Then again if you're a male reader, you might be the Creepy Shoulder Massage Kid, who's done so well on the Internet that he today makes up the entirety of 4chan. But ANYWAY, we shouldn't be too hard on Itchy or the CSMK because he delivers this FANTASTICALLY INSPIRATIONAL speech in defense of Hero. ....yeah.
- Commander Psycho: What if Vin Diesel had a vagina and graduated from the School of Bad Porn Acting? Well we'd have a lot more golden fodder for The Weekend Web, but he also would've been the inspiration for this character! Psycho likes nothing more than screaming about how she's going to kill people, rock and/or roll, and protect her metal fort. She's also a lesbian. But in a perfect future, who isn't?
- Dr. Scientist: Easily the best actor in the film, or possibly the worst; I can't tell if he's stuttering because he's an awkward nerd or because he can't read his cue cards. He is supposed to be brilliant genius, despite building his sex bot with guns and his Ultimate Fighting Machine with a sniveling British whine.
And many more! You may have noticed that there's an abundance of females in the primary cast. Amazingly, most of these gals have character traits beyond "wants to get into Hero's tight Briton knickers." These threw Pow bitch.me for a loop too, as Transmorphers really feels like a low-budget porn, right down to rampant lesbianism. But it seems to hold fast to the idea that in the future, women be treated exactly the same as men and will therefore behave exactly the same as men, right down to masculine pronouns and a love of titties. Which is a nice sentiment, uhm I guess, but I've never seen girls get into a locker room slugfest over who has the best mascara. Or have I?????
Anyway, all of the extensive character interaction between these guys is filer,but it was filler I couldn't follow because I was too busy laughing at the audio track being completely out of sync. Yeah, In case you haven't been picking up on the subtle hints I've been slam-dunking, production values in this thing aren't the greatest. Eyeliner's hairstyle changes from scene to scene, robotic innards are portrayed via sticker, and heroes have the mysterious ability to bike through the rain without a drop of water on 'em!
In the last fifteen minutes we get a reasonable amount of some robots, but it isn't much of an apology. Honestly, Transmorphers is like a cheap porno flick without the porn. I almost felt uncomfortable watching a movie like this without titties flying everywhere. It was like I was missing an old friend.
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