Because of this we are quickly transported to a confrontation between Bird, Gordy and co. and Mussolini after they accuse him of selling them bad pot. Bird says something along the lines of "let's go kick his ass" and suddenly they are there, the camera cutting before Bird can even fully finish his sentence.
The following scene is quite possibly the stupidest thing I have ever seen in any movie ever. Instead of using analogies relating it to some fat celebrity's body part, I will use this animated gif file to show you exactly what happens:
In case you're not getting this: The kids accidentally kill Mussolini when he slips on a peel from a banana the fat kid was eating. And this is plus the fact that the movie is now playing "scary" music, which is actually just the sound Michalakis' nephew finding the three most irritating keys on a synthesizer and mashing on them for about 45 seconds while he screams at the top of his lungs into a septic tank.
So now the group is fucked. They're out a few hundred bucks, their pot is bunk, and there's a dead Mexican/Italian/Japanese/American laying at their feet because of a malevolent banana peel. They load him up in a car and prepare to dump him in a river when he - surprise surprise - comes back to life!
Certain directors think "continuity" is an abstract term, something you can use or ignore depending on the purposes of your movie. Some people, if they are artsy and pretentious and named "David Lynch," can get away with that. Others, like John Elias Michalakis, do it because they're retards. Yeah, I just went there (I'd like to thank my ghostwriter Carlos Mencia for that last joke there. Good job, Carlos)!
Someone get that motherfucker a soap basket!
Take the following scene, for instance: Three of the teenagers struggle with Mussolini while Baseball kid stands by the car. Bird, who is being choked by our multinational friend, screams "get the bat, get the bat" about 30 times in a row while more "terror" music plays. Baseball kid finally gets the hint, grabs a baseball bat from the back of the car, and stands.
And then, he's in a baseball uniform.
I've spent nights trying to figure out exactly what the hell is going on here. Is the bat magical? When he grabbed it did it make an ugly nylon baseball uniform appear on him like some enchanted sword of homosexuality in Oblivion? Does Baseball kid hold a world record for quickly changing clothes? Did Michalakis spend the remainder of the clothing budget on child pornography and use one of his victims' little league uniforms to cover the slack? The world will never know because Michalakis is too busy masturbating to pictures of Dakota Fanning to answer any of my goddamn phone calls!
Baseball kid gingerly taps Mussolini on the head with the ball bat, which kills him for a second time. They tie a rock to his leg and toss him in the river.
But, as is the case in most movies like this, there's a problem: When the boys leave Mussolini emerges from the river, which has covered him in green paint! Just kidding. It turned him into a zombie and covered him in green paint!
The boys, meanwhile, have returned to the soda shop, where they discuss the murder in hushed tones. Bird is clearly distraught by something (probably the fact that he's the ugliest human being on the face of the earth) and drives off on his motorcycle. Being the bright, upstanding citizen he is, he drives right back to the scene of the murder and starts pouting.
I don't know what the fuck's going on here either, so don't ask.
Right now some of you haters may be thinking there isn't a lot of difference between Zombie Mussolini and normal Mussolini besides a layer of green fingerpaint. Well, you couldn't be more wrong. For instance: His fingers are made of poison, and he shows this when he kills Bird by sticking his fingers in his mouth.
The police discover Bird's body and drag the boys in for questioning. Somewhere long the line - I don't know where, since the dialogue in this section is literally unlistenable - the boys discover that Mussolini is, in fact, a radioactive zombie because somehow now the river is radioactive and thus turns people into zombies. Science, people! Science!
Next up is a scene where the boys go to "park" with their dates. Of course, Mussolini finds them, and after a really disturbing scene where Mussolini rapes a girl, breaks her in half, and keeps raping her, the boys decide this shit needs to stop. They reconvene at the murder scene with baseball bats in tow. At least, I think that's what happens. This is because the film is not only impossible to hear at times, it is also impossible to see.
You've got to hand it to Michalakis. Besides the fact that he managed to shit on the staples of filmmaking and wipe his ass with the zombie genre (who the fuck makes a zombie movie with only two zombies), he also has shitty equipment. The film quality in "I Was a Teenage Zombie" is some of the worst I've ever seen, bordering on the levels of ineptitude Urban Menace displays. Why is it like this? My best guess is that Michalakis is actually a pervert vampire and used his camera to root out used tampons under the sand at the beach.
However it happened, though, we do know one thing for sure: Baseball kid is killed when Mussolini kind of grabs him and exposes his massive bulge to Earth's yellow sun. This is understandably upsetting to the boys, since Baseball kid is the only one of the bunch who is not a blatant gimmick. Having the one member of the group with any endearing qualities die pretty much relegates the rest of them to sci-fi conventions, or worse, Mad TV.
Not all hope is lost, however! Smart kid has a great idea a few weeks later (we know that much time has elapsed because someone says "It's been weeks since he died"), and they steal Baseball kid's body from a funeral and dump it in the radioactive river, thus creating another radioactive green paint zombie that acts exactly the same as he did before he died.
Baseball kid returns and is very angry at his friends for bringing him back to life. The only real perk to being undead is that he sees his girlfriend, who runs and screams when she sees his Incredible Hulk-looking ass roaming around town. The boys quickly gather him up and hide him in the basement of the soda shop.
Up to this point you may have noticed a distinct lack of summary or really anything interesting to read in this review. This is because "I Was a Teenage Zombie" is not just bad, it is really fucking boring. I could describe the movie in two sentences and it would be more interesting than the hour-and-a-half of crap I was forced to sit through. In fact, I can't say I'm exactly sure how the movie got to be that long, since, you know, absolutely nothing happens that isn't described within the first twenty minutes. The one remotely interesting scene I remember involves Fat kid getting his face ripped off but even after two viewings and a screencapping session I can't tell you what context that's in.
The first phase of The Olive Garden's cyber rollout will introduce their Neverending Pneumatic Pasta Tube. This works on the same principal as bank drive-thru deposit tubes, but with unfrozen linguini and spaghetti.
Do you remember the crazy clothes and hair of the 1990s? Do you remember Crystal Pepsi and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Do you remember where you hid the box your mother gave you?
It's still okay to like Ben Stiller, guys.
Something Awful reviews the absolute worst movies out there. We focus mostly on horror and science fiction, because all writers here on Something Awful are huge nerds.