But even if there were zombies in the movie, the dictionary entries would still be totally irrelevant. This is because, although he uses what amounts to a poorly-written novella to explain his plot for him, Snygg does absolutely nothing with the information he gives us in those opening scenes. The black placards talk of drug cocktails mixed into fruit punch, flesh-eating, brain dead cannibals, and voodoo priests. How many of those plot points return in the movie? Zero.
By this point you're undoubtedly confused. If it doesn't have any zombies and opens with a bunch of stupid words, what does "Zombiez" do with its time on the screen?
"Twenty-five bucks and a new T-shirt? I'm sold!"
Well, ladies and gentlemen, the answer is simple: Instead of making a zombie movie about, you know, zombies, Snygg decided to go with his gut instinct and stick a red-hot coat hanger up his dick hole while thinking about fingerbanging his autistic half-sister. But after that he made a movie that consists almost entirely of shots of people walking around.
I could be wrong. Maybe there are actually some undead folks roaming around in the film somewhere. Maybe Snygg's "zombiez" are just like normal zombies except they're invisible and harmless, just like his Tic-Tac-sized penis! But I doubt it! Why? Because when you abbreviate "Zachary Winston Snygg" you get "ZWS." If you have a German accent that could mean "ze walking shitheads," which is a pretty good name for the group of actors in this movie if they ever decided to start some kind of social club where they sat around and talked about that one time they starred in "Zombiez."
Whatever the case I can back my point up with what is easily the final interesting shot in the movie, a few seconds of an old man staggering around outside a building. For the record this old man is not a zombie, is not mentioned again in the movie, and really has nothing to do with the plot. Since this is the case with nearly every other facet of the movie, however, I felt it was just as important to mention him as, say, every other shot in the movie that's exactly like this one for the next hour and fifteen minutes.
In the next few minutes we're introduced to Josephine.. Josephine has a severe disability: No matter what aspect ratio the movie is in her face looks more stretched and skewed than Tara Reid's vagina after a visit to the bedpost factory. On top of that she is the stupidest woman in the world and probably a lesbian, as evidenced by this scene at the bus stop (retold in screen caps and dialogue for your dramatic pleasure):
Hi, how are you?
Boy I sure do love dribbling this basketball in the middle of the street for no reasAAAAAHHH
What are you doing!?
In case you're not understanding this masterful recreation: Josephine says hello to a woman who is only slightly ruder than she is ugly. There's also a man dribbling a basketball in the middle of the street. Undoubtedly shaken by chihuahua-woman telling her to get fucked, Josephine turns to see the basketball dude's guts being eaten by what appears to be a very hungry black man. Josephine, the pilar of common sense that she is, approaches the cannibal and asks him (and I quote) "what are you doing?"
Maybe it's just me, but I'm pretty sure "what are you doing" is the stupidest fucking thing you can ask someone who is eating entrails from a gaping wound in another man's stomach. That, to me, is on par with calling your friend after he lost his family in a plane accident and doing that "whaaaaazaaaaaap" thing from the Budweiser commercials when he answers the phone. There are other questions, such as "what the fuck are you doing," or "why did I quit my gig as Tammy the Asbestos Eater at the circus to star in this movie," that are far more sensible, even if your face does resemble a stepped-on wad of Silly Putty.
Dr. Oz, professional TV doctor, offers up some dieting tips and advice on how to remove all your negative ions.
I was able to pull some strings and secure an advance copy of this year’s PAX panel schedule. Enjoy!
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