Article: British blamed for Basra badgers
British forces have denied rumours that they released a plague of ferocious badgers into the Iraqi city of Basra.
Word spread among the populace that UK troops had introduced strange man-eating, bear-like beasts into the area to sow panic.
UK military spokesman Major Mike Shearer said: "We can categorically state that we have not released man-eating badgers into the area."
But the assurances did little to convince some members of the public. One housewife, Suad Hassan, 30, claimed she had been attacked by one of the badgers as she slept.
"My husband hurried to shoot it but it was as swift as a deer," she said. "It is the size of a dog but his head is like a monkey," she told AFP.
Surely this is the face of fearHowever, even if this tale isn't true, introducing another enemy into Iraq might not be a bad idea. In the Matrix man and machine truced in order to fight a common foe. A clone army of dangerous but disadvantaged adversaries might do the trick. However, I think they mustn't be badgers, for we've already established their nonviolent nature and introducing a cute creature into the fray would surely cause PETA and Camp Casey to fuse into some terrible antiwar superborg.
Since Iraqis are already fearful of vicious fleetfooted dog-monkey hybrids, I propose we harness this extant animosity and clone an army of Wee-Man. He has the proper proportions and features, and I'm sure he's been out of work since YouTube made Jackass obsolete. Diplomacy and direct action have both failed. Perhaps pugnacious pygmies riding skateboards and Shetlands through the sand is what we need to bring this ragged republic to life.
Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.
A real friend doesn't move until the middle of August, ensuring temperatures in the 90s and a humidity that turns boxers into moist balls of ruined cotton.
Expendable? You must be joking.
News You Needn't Know provides coverage and commentary on some of the strangest stories the Internet has to offer. After the advent of cable news, it might appear as if everything that occurs is awarded an audience with Larry King and a book deal to boot. There are, however, stories which still slip into--or fail to arise from--obscurity. So, like a chimp combing crumbs from his mate's hirsute backside, in this feature we scrabble through the dregs of the Internet news machine to find the silliest, strangest, or hairiest articles out there and dissemble them to their comedic core.