The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest is a yearly contest in which writers are challenged to come up with the worst possible opening line for a hypothetical novel. Contestants compete in a variety of categories as well as in a single "worst of show" overall prize. Jim Guigli wrote 2006's winning entry.
Detective Bart Lasiter was in his office studying the light from his one small window falling on his super burrito when the door swung open to reveal a woman whose body said you've had your last burrito for a while, whose face said angels did exist, and whose eyes said she could make you dig your own grave and lick the shovel clean.
I enjoy reading the various category winners and dishonorable mentions for the annual Bulwer-Lytton contest, but I have to consider them an anachronism. Nothing produced through conscious effort could ever be more uniformly horrible than the opening lines to various and sundry works of erotic fan fiction. Picking out winning entries for the B-L 2006 is like lifting turds out of an ocean of diarrhea and congratulating each for their abhorrence. The Internet exists as a long opening line for the appallingly terrible novel being written by the collective minds of all of mankind.
To prove that Bulwer-Lytton ain't got nothin' on the Internet, I have formed my own awards and named them the Goku-Lytton Awards. I have searched through the filthiest flop houses and tenements of the Internet to bring you only the most vile and incoherent in opening lines. Because there were so many, I have categorized them to the exact specifications of the Bulwer-Lytton contest. Oh, and since I still have the original Goku statues hanging around, I'll hand those out to the winners.
Joe Rogan rubbed Lisa's huge hooters as she plunged her face into the tank, her tongue and luxurious lips seeking out a pickled horse cock which, once found, she would grip between her teeth and let slide down her throat like another sort of cock which was attached to Joe Rogan, but that was for her steaming hot second-ass to accommodate while she busied herself with the search for 16 briny equine schlongs.
Fear Factor Erotic Fanfic
Winner: Children's Literature
The time for a wank was over, it was time for B1 and B2 to get their kit off and screw each other up the arse until everything was cricket, but the problem was once they had off their pyjamas they couldn't even find their arses, so they just started rubbing all over each other until B1 took a sex wee on B2's ugly bollock face.
Bananas in Pyjamas Erotic Fanfic
Winner: Detective Fiction
Lennie Briscoe had a case, a case that meant the difference between the bad guys going to jail for a very long time and the perps walking on a technicality, but standing between Briscoe and Justice was DA Jack McCoy and the only way to get him to press charges on the suspects was to make the DA cum harder than he ever had before, which wasn't an easy task when you had A-list ball drainers like, Lt. Van Buren, who had been known to ride a stiff at a crime scene until it came back to life.
Ripped From the HEADlines
Law & Order Erotic Fanfic
Winner: Fantasy Fiction
Aragorn pushed harder, thrusting the hobbit all the way into Arwen's elfin baby box until only the little manlet's feet dangled out, then pushing him all the way into her with his girthy sword as he grasped her perfect pair of boobs and forced his finger down her throat, racking her with convulsions and reveling in the hot splat of her chunder across his chest.
A Trick of the Ring
Lord of the Rings Erotic Fanfic
Winner: Historical Fiction
With a yowl and a burst of pyrotechnics, the battle began, and Harry Truman watched from the helm of his flagship the USS America as the atomic bomb dropped into the air, one hand upon the thigh of Eleanor Roosevelt and the other on the back of Assistant Labor Secretary Roxanne H. Woolsy's head as she devoured the recently crowned president's tube steak loaded with Vitamin Dick.
S is for Sex
Harry S. Truman Erotic Fanfic
Winner: Purple Prose
Golden fire of sunset kissed the tops of the cars parked outside the FBI building and Scully knew that she had to have Assistant Director Walter Skinner's filth inside of her, to fill her up like the wind fills the sail of a beautiful galleon, to plug every orifice with his hot unctuous shit and make the tears she felt from the loss of Mulder disappear beneath the tears of exquisite ecstasy she would shed as he squatted over her and delivered a perfect payload into her spread butthole.
Walter's Lady Toilet
X-Files Scat Fetish Erotic Fanfic
Ross sucked a big ball of pussy juice out of Nefer-Tina's jumping hump-hole and let it run down his face as Chandler buried his Pharaoh's scepter deep into her slurping mouth, savoring the way her ancient throat opened all the way up for his powerful bellow and blast of ball batter.
All Wrapped Up
Mummies Alive!/Friends Crossover Erotic Fanfic
Winner: Science Fiction
Michael's wheelchair quivered once and then, like the force grabbing him by the balls and trying to suck his soul out through his throbbing boner, both wheelchair, Michael and Mac lifted into the air, scattering the patrons of McDonalds and sending Skittles and Coca Cola Classics flying everywhere just as Michael shrieked with the electric ecstasy of his surging orgasmic tide and released his Sprite deep within the vibrating orifice of the friendly alien.
Mac and Me Erotic Fanfic
Joanna Wettlespit, MD
Winner: Vile Puns
Captain Nathan Bridger held on tight to the edge of Darwin's tank with a fire so intense that it nearly matched the passion of the porpoise as it tore into his clenching pillows with the tips of its fin and a gusty lust, causing Captain Bridger to scream for Darwin to not just use the tip, but to use dolphin.
SeaQuest DSV Erotic Fanfic
Vash the Stampede rubbed spit on his turgid length, working the long length back and forth and squeezing on the ballbag beneath, as he ground his butt down hard on the trigun revolver and he wondered how the world could be so cruel so hard that a single tear rolled down his cheek, even as his boiling man-sap began to froth out across the saloon.
The Vash Paradox
Trigun Erotic Fanfic
Cagney helped Lacey secure the big black strapon to her waist and then Cagney bent down over the bench in the police department's locker room, her shit-caked puckerhole winking a tune in time to the hammering of Lacey's heart as the big woman grabbed her fellow detective by the hips and thrust the entire length into Cagney's shivering stinksleeve.
Cagney and Lacey Erotic Fanfic
Al Waxman, we salute you. We know that deep down, erotic fan fiction produces a quality of writing that the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest cannot hope to understand.
We clear up the BREXIT for confused Americans wondering why the global economy is collapsing this time.
BEEP! BOOP! ZAP! Video games aren't for my dad anymore! Because he's dead.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.