Artie could easily give the famous "Big Dog" of the Big Dogs clothing line a run for his money. This hardy fella is equal parts 'tude and heart. Artie is known to crank the radio all the way up to blast his favorite tunes, but then he's the kind of dog that always lives life at full volume.
Our tireless celeb-hounds are always on the lookout for the hottest celebs in the most mundane situations! Who was mistaken for Bill Paxton outside Spago? Who learned never to shake a baby? Find out inside!
A supernatural journey to understanding the afterlife, courtesy of the world's most powerful conduit to the spirit realm sold by Parker Brothers.
While the events depicted in Valkyrie are incredible, they are also far from unique. Over three dozen attempts on Hitler's life were made during his rise to power and throughout the second World War. To the best of my knowledge, at least ten of them failed.
Wikipedia responds to Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales' appeal for donations the only way it knows how: with a Wikipedia article.
The human version of the Santa Claus story contains various distorted truths, but the True Lesson, which we present to you now in Reading Task format, offers classified information regarding the surprising heroism of some animals, the untrustworthiness of rodents, and the relevance of the red suit and false beard we recently asked you to wear.
It's time for another exciting voyage into the Bradford Exchange's catalog of horrible merchandise. This adventure features lamps, clocks, General Lee's inspiring leadership, Thomas Kinkade's House of Horrors, and the audacity of hope.
Yes, it was stolen. I have discovered the true source of Coldplay's "inspiration". And I have the proof
I was sitting on the back porch, studying for a big test in my Advanced Metaphor class. It came from the east like a... I don't know. I'm sorry. I can't help. I failed my test. Failed it like a bison.
For kidz, by kidz! The final Kidz Newz takes us to a slightly different educational environment where kids have a lot of news relating to mommy.
The absolutely true story of a town that refused to be put out of its misery.
Anyone can own a van, but it takes a special kind of person to live in a van. I'm that kind of person. I ain't at home unless my sweaty skin is sticking to the vinyl seats. That's just your body's way of trying to hold on to something it likes.
News for kids, by kids! The kids of Mrs. Anthony's class at Woodrow Elementary on Chicago's west side take a stab at covering the economy.
News for kids, by kids! Kidz Newz is straight from the kids of Mrs. Anthony's class at Woodrow Elementary on Chicago's west side.
It’s that time of year. You’ve finished all the tedious assignments and passed a handful of tests, now’s your chance to turn the tables. Speak your mind, don’t worry, everything is completely anonymous.
Millions in the bank. Multitudes of adoring fans. Frequent travel that ultimately results in the donning of spandex and a few hours chasing other adults at near-superhuman speeds. Yeah, I'd say my life is pretty great. Maybe I'll even write an article about it sometime, but today I'd like to talk about athletes that missed their true callings.
Helpful Internet TV listings from a time that maybe tomorrow but in a world that isn't quite ours.
SA reviews six free apps available now for you to download and enjoy.
Winesburg, Indiana writer for the Courier Post Luann Daniels mans the CP's Cyber Desk and brings you the hottest stories on new tech and Internet buzz. Luann has recently discovered Lolcats.
The first first was, of course, the Big Bang. Before the Big Bang created time, the universe, such as it wasn't, was pre-consecutive. Eventually the universe will come to an end, along with time, and it will be post-consecutive. For now, time exists. More or less.
Oceanic 816? This is LAX air traffic control, please repeat. Both pilots you say? Go ahead and give them a nudge or a sharp kick. Most of the time when they sprawl on the cockpit floor with their tongues hanging out like that they're just pretending, joking around. No, they're really out? Looks like I'm going to be talking you through this one.
High prices? *pumps shotgun* Not on my watch.
Gotta say, BiGDOG is touched by the huge outpouring of support. I haven't been blogging much due to my ulcer, but I'M BACK. I'm back everywhere, baby! All those ninnies attempting to sit on my free speech rights have been put in their place. You can't put truth in the doghouse!
Every tiny pain and itch in your body, even ones that you ordinarily would not notice, is amplified tenfold. Take a moment to catalogue all the minor itches in your body. Even if you feel that you have none, imaginary itches will begin to appear. Scratching them will not be satisfying.
Scenes from the ground in the days before the election.
Keeping warm can be expensive. These simple tips can keep you in your favorite polo shirt all winter without raising your gas bill. So follow them or pay the price, you little wuss.
CONSUMED WITH PASSION, I ENTER YOUR ROOM STOP SWEEP THE PILLOWS AND BLANKETS FROM YOUR BED STOP REMOVE THE MATTRESS THEN PUSH THE BED FRAME OUT OF THE ROOM STOP
Just eat the goddamn turkey, asshole.
We finally arrived! I'm with a team of amazing scientists in Antarctica, ready to do some groundbreaking research on global warming. I can remember back to my first day in college, when the world seemed so big and overwhelming. I knew I'd find my place eventually. Here I am, at the bottom of the world. But you know what? I feel on top of the world.
Dave Mustaine's Wigs & Attitude sells one thing: wigs. A shitload of 'em. The attitude is free of charge.
Womyn are not myth. Womyn are real. In the grocery store, in the post office, in your parent's house sitting next to your dad, womyn are everywhere. There are those experts who estimate that over half the population of our small blue Earth is now womyn. But the outlook is not entirely dire! Here is a brief guide on living in a post-womyn world.
Consolation cannot be found in any atlas, pinpointed on any GPS device, or reliably navigated to with MapQuest. The latter makes it pretty much like any other destination on Earth, but the former qualities hint at the forgotten town's true nature.
Watching from the sidelines while the economy falls apart has been fun, but it's time for you and everyone else to join the fight. I have a modest solution that just might save the world.
Ponder the meaning of life with our collection of lovable critters.
Little is known about this introverted dachshund. Bug likes to keep a low profile, and doesn't seem to like people getting too close or looking at him. In spite of his shyness, Bug has cultivated quite a following, with eager admirers hoping for a chance to pet and hold him. We here at BarkWire are definitely part of that following.
Tooth was driving that Highline with Bill Cosby painted on the hood, you remember that shit? He explained that shit to me: “I require a fine luxury automobile, god, but I need to deflect the accusations of flamboyance and ostentation that a righteous black man must face when living with high material means, so I painted Bill Cosby on that shit.”
The violent and tragic life of a shticky florist from the Harkonnen homeworld of Giedi Prime.
The Best Sports News By and For Moms
Do you need a 21st century online solution for all of your LEGAL smoking needs? We've got all sorts of smoke blends and accessories for discerning customers who are desperate to escape reality but not quite desperate enough to break the law. Our motto is: If you can't find it here, we are sorry!
Edward Liddy, the embattled CEO of American International Group, offers a few words of advice to his company's many critics.
Why not put the Guitar Hero and the latte down for a second and learn about THE WORLD YOU LIVE IN, ass.
First, if you're still upset about the divorce, you need to realize that your mother and I were never really very close. Remember that time you came downstairs when we were having that party and you asked why everyone put their keys in a bowl and we told you we were having a "car swapping party"? Well, that wasn't really about swapping cars.
Colonel Ironhands is a part of America's elite special ops strike force. He functions as a special ops member 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Without pause, without fail, do or die, there is no try.
Some of you might remember our unofficial campaign video, "Barack Obama: A Tribute to Hope". Now, eight months later, all of our dreams have come to fruition. Indeed, our dreams have born fruit. We are holding dream fruit, and that dream fruit is Barack Obama's impending presidency. The triumph of the hope, a new video.
You're an NPC, the everyman who keeps his head down and does his best to get through the day without being gibbed by a stray blast of plasma. Despite your best efforts, however, your maximum lifespan is 8-10 hours, with a 35% chance that you will die a gruesome and hopefully entertaining death within the next hour.
From the flying car complaints department, we learn that the blush is off the Barack. Forces from the right and the left threaten to undo America's first black president by holding him to the impossible magical negro standard.
Kent, Ohio: Now over 38 years without any public government murders.
We stand now at the dawn of a new age, one of hope and change. To celebrate this great epoch in America's political history, we turn now to some completely unrelated correspondence between Dracula and his young fans.
Dr. Victor Frankenstein, aging and desperately lonesome, answers letters from children.
The Obama rally doesn't start for a few hours, but the jerk who lives a floor below already woke you up. How are you going to fill the next few hours?
In addition to serving as a sobering reminder that some people still judge others by race instead of video console preference, this week's thwarted plot to assassinate Barack Obama was refreshingly humorous.
This update is FOR CALIFORNIANS ONLY. All others go to hell.
Why, Jerry, did you have to take pictures of my sweatpants and email them to my girlfriend? I told you that there would be intermittent bleeding while I recover and that there would be a viscous discharge as my inner thighs scab over. I also explained that because of the changes to my anatomy, I would have limited control over my sphincter.
October 16, 1994 - I zig and zag my way through the crowd, nimbly navigating a mass of people to reach my target. It's your car. I hork all over the hood and driver's side window and blend back into nothingness. I am The Fat Puker.
Most of you have probably heard of the case of Ashley Todd, who shocked the dumb portion of the world with her story of a black man carving the letter B in her cheek. But what really happened that night? How did she end up with the letter very very lightly scratched on her face? Answers within…
Since it has no value in the topsy-turvy economy of reality, your portfolio cannot be touched by IRS AGENTS or REPO MEN or THE CURIOUS HANDS OF TODDLERS. In many ways, your portfolio can be compared to the TRUE STORY of a girl who played HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL after overcoming ADVERSITY and the fact that she was nearly THIRTY FIVE years old.
Find out what happens next week in our exclusive preview of the next South Park!
I am Eugene Cranford Fouke, cousin of the much-admired Philip Bond Fouke, who, at this tortured hour, is once again ill. I have spared no expense on his care and comfort, insisting Dr. F. Gerald Thornton labor by his side, constantly sponging the seep from his engorged cranium. Naturally, I am assuming control of this outfit until Philip recovers.
Dorroile is the worst man. He is antic and grotesque, beloved to the moon; incorrigible. His gruesome, slapping dance is imitated by children despite the loom of the switch, for he represents to them the mythic freedom of snakes and bears. All else who offend in this district offend in his shadow.
I know you’re stressed out, but I’m here to help you achieve the biggest accomplishment of your life. Well, I was talking about your thesis, but yeah, now that you mention it, Clair is pretty hot.
Close your eyes and picture an elf. Is he tiny and pot-bellied, with a pointed hat and a wry smile? Or maybe he's unusually tall and slender, with Barbie doll hair and a permanent sneer? Amazingly enough, these are both right. If you pictured a large wooden object with branches and leaves, you were way off. That's a dwarf.
Did you know that right now there are 25 unique varieties of pie in the world? Scientists, researchers, and independent adventurers have identified each of these 25 types. They have carefully arranged these pies on a chart using exact weights, measurements, and physical characteristics. A brief listing is as follows.
Somewhere across the country, a junior agent was being thrown into a whirlwind adventure of epic proportions that was just getting started and promised many exciting future installments. Here, much to his surprise, the Acting Manager of Thought Acquisition for Worldwide Conspiracy Inc. acquired a thought.
The Deep Hurting Institute is dedicated to researching the human brain's capacity to receive and interpret pain signals. Each month the facility runs a new series of tests on brave volunteers, and for $14.95 a month members of the Deep Hurting Fan Club receive a glossy poster-sized printout of the results.
The third installment of the CONEX series returns to D-Block at Lambspoke to find out what inmates are doing to amuse themselves in these dark latter days. The uncanny amusements include a homemade prison radio, a rare record, and an offer for an unusual meeting.
In 2008, a bird landed in the yard of a goon. This is his story. The bird's.
To be completely honest, Jerry, I was hoping that this medical crisis would spark the fires of reconciliation between us. What better to unite two ideological rivals than something as raw and sobering as a medical crisis? In the words of Legato from Trigun, "The greater the tragedy, the greater the emotional effect."
When you own it all, you look around and see all the shit you own, you look down past them gold ropes on your neck and see a mischievous fine Chinese bitch trying to undo your Gucci pants, and you start to think ‘what is left for me to acquire in this city,’ and it’s a feeling that might breed wickedness in a righteous man.
Recently, Cleatus, the mascot for Sunday football on Fox, and Monday Night Football legend Hank Williams Jr. sat down with me for a nice conversation. I wanted to have a discussion with national public figures on the upcoming election. This is as good as it got.
The three branches of government (Presidential, IRS, Oak) have been scrambling to put together a bailout bill to fix America's economic crisis, but some politicians have taken advantage by sneaking in provisions for themselves, such as Bill Nelson's call for "the ability to fly simply by concentrating real hard and yelling at my wife".
How could you do this to us, man? And to think we supported you from the very beginning!
Former Rocky Mountain News reporter Berny Morson has signed on with Something Awful to cover the Paul Newman Funeral. He Twitters the event from the scene.
In his lust for cakefarts Cakefartin' Steve runs afoul of our own Petey, who just happens to be something of an amateur historian of the cakefart genre. Legal threats fly.
After years of snapping photographs for the Daily Bugle, Peter Parker tries his hand at journalism and learns that with great power comes greatly increased risk of carpal tunnel syndrome.
Military and economic crises define an era. When that era ends, what will be left? Ashes...or eggs?
Dos and don'ts for the soon-to-be impoverished (YOU).
The captain observed the distant landmass through his trusty spyglass. It was dark, but the silhouette of the island stood out from the surrounding sea and cut a jagged hole in the night sky that blackened out any stars. "Skull's Island!" He cried out. "We're naming that island after me -- Captain Skull."
Drawing upon years of exhaustive research, renowned musicologist David Thorpe presents a selection of music videos that advance an important thesis: YOUGAY. We hope that this scholarly update both edifies and titillates.
All the hurricane relief workers in Ohio have been sent to Texas, leaving the state helpless. Despite the delicious irony, the majority of residents have been going insane.
The United States has contingency plans in place to combat every conceivable threat on the planet. Naturally, these documents can only be accessed by the President, top ranking military personnel, and internet humorists.
The blind masseurs of Korea are rioting against new laws allowing for non-blind masseurs. Handicapped people around the world are doing their civic duty and throwing burning trashcans through the windows of a metaphorical Starbucks oppressing us with metaphorical coffee.
The man at the helm of a Metrolink train that crashed in Chatsworth was a creep.
Ruthless and efficient, El Cráneo Negro is less a dog and more a force of nature. Since arriving in town, he has supplanted the dominate hierarchy, establishing himself as leader of the pack and instigating a wave of dog-sponsored terrorism on a scale never before seen in Shaggy Butte.
Read enough newspapers and you might get the idea that the economy is doing poorly. It's time for all these banks and securities traders to suck it up and quit whining. The economy is robust!
Hey look, it's Dragon Mountain. Dragon Mountain is a center for all mystical energy in this entire region. All of the life force as far as the eye can see emanates from that mountain. Let's climb it.
Every consecutive offensive skill that the Shaman casts makes his next heal more powerful, and vice versa. This playstyle is often described as a seesaw act, due to the seesaw's reputation as the most powerful piece of spellcasting playground equipment.
Throughout the arduous primary Ron Paul raised over 28 million dollars. Find out where all that money went and where the rest is going to go.
America called, and it said "I want you inside me."
Just a quick update for you BiGDOG fans out there. I'm still battling the POWERS THAT BE over my unfair banning at BarkWire.com. Looks to me like those fascists have no intention of honoring the law. Guess they've never read the constitution? But then again, these are probably the same idiots throwing their votes away on McCain and Obama.
Bestselling author Robert Ludlum tells the thrilling tale of John McCain, a former special-forces operative betrayed by his government.
An undecided voter refuses to answer polling questions and weighs his options in the US Presidential election. Will it be the Arab? The guy with the blimp? The old guy with the houses? Find out!
Andy Frankle was treated like an outcast. He had to hide within the bowels of his home to be open about his love of the game Spore. While alone, Andy faces numerous obstacles that no person should be forced to endure. And yet, he continued on. Now, his diaries provide an inside look at the boy-man’s emotional journey.
Members of the coaching staff are not allowed to steal play call signals from the opposing team, nor are they allowed to dive and intercept kisses that were clearly blown toward someone else.
My friend and neighbor Kafir wants to bid a solemn farewell to the closest member of his family with more than four legs. First we have to get it back from his cat.
When I consider our long history of acting like inhuman monsters, it disturbs me when the Something Awful community is starting to, well... like things.
We need a strong leader, one unafraid to tackle the challenges of the 20th century with grit, wisdom, and, when no other option remains, military force. Folks, that strong leader is here among us. His name is John McCain and he has a remarkable story.
H.P. Lovecraft isn't the only writer with a Commonplace Book of ideas. Tupac Shakur's journal of observations and rap hooks provides key insights into the legendary rapper's dark creative process.
Something Awful is updating live from Baton Rouge, and we've already stolen something!
He had been a lifelong conspiracy man. He had kept his nose down, assassinated world leaders and innocent civilians alike when ordered to, manipulated at least one US President into office, and now found himself stuck in a dead-end middle management job in an aging conspiracy that was rapidly losing ground to newer conspiratorial competitors.
As young Scooter is about to discover, scribbling your deepest feelings on a sweat-dampened note and passing it to the girl of your dreams might not be as smooth as it seems.
An absolute outsider's look at the process of doing rewrites for the Hollywood fringe. My life as a screenwriter for straight to DVD movies, lost TV pilots, webisodes, and why my patron no longer uses a fax machine.
Learn the harsh truth about the misrepresentation of land developers in the media.
Every man in this family has been run out of town. Your great granddaddy, Euwell, he was run out of town in a much higher style, watching the federales burn his stills, plumes of smoke thirty foot high. Looking back on his livelihood up in smoke, now the federales are burning down his whorehouse, too, whores still inside screaming his name.
Even a new-age ditz can sometimes become a part of the future's working class. It tends to happen when she's press-ganged into working on a refinery that makes space cigarettes for the fleeing survivors of cylon aggression.
Thank you for coming to the Beijing Olympic Games. To help you fully enjoy the closing ceremony, we have provided a basic diagram to help guide your eye around the complex display of Chinese power.
The first in a series of comics demonstrating how basic math can fix anything. Long division is for assholes.
Imperial Island, population 2,803, sent 29 athletes to the 2008 Olympics in Beijing. Get a different take on the Olympics from the perspective of a country that receives little fanfare or notice amid the race for medals.
HOT INTERNET GANGBANGS CLICK NOW 100% FREE
It hurts so bad right now, Jerry. I can feel my face rebuilding itself. My eyes are growing larger, finally able to see the world for what it is. And my chin, Jerry, which you once described as "a hairy scrotum full of ranch dressing and marbles," is now a sharp point. Like a blade.
Carry laws have turned America into a nation of hapless vigilantes with superhero fantasies and tac-ops fetishes. Just because Penn Gillette says it's cool to strap a Luger to your face doesn't mean you have to don your tactical pants and secure the Taco Bell. Remember the "concealed" part?
Here I am!!! Rock you like a hurricane!!!
There are many reasons for Top Gear's popularity, from the brutally honest reviews to the unparalleled production values and some of the finest humor to come from the United Kingdom since Coldplay's last album.
Harvard scientists think people are conditioned to associate black with evil. What if there is some word or concept that embodies evil even better than black? What if that word or concept happens to need a lot of brush cleared? Yeah, you know what I'm talking about.
The consensus in the scientific community is that these collisions will shed new light as to how awesome explosions can be even when they are really small. Another good reason scientists give for colliding protons is that it will help us develop our understanding of what happens in nature when a giant machine smashes two protons together.
I've looked over the figures. It's not good, people. Americans just don't care about corn. Gas prices are up and the economy is in the tank. Nobody wants to pay money for an unpopular food like corn. The problem isn't with consumers, the problem is with you. We can't change corn, but we can change the way people think about it.
This weekend, a company called Moniker Marketplace auctioned off a huge, torrential load of valuable adult domain names. Some went for tens or even hundreds of thousands. Many more remain unsold, so you still might be able to snag a top-quality adult domain for an affordable price.
Odd couples span time and cultures to go head to head in discussion to bring clarity to various issues. Covered in this installment: Today's Headlines, Frippery, and Email.
Mom always wanted you to do something with your worthless life. Why not try and become an Olympian? It’s a rough path, but fame and glory await you if you accomplish your journey.
The young ladies who dance in strip clubs make the majority of their money from tips, much like waitresses and congressmen. How do you know when it's appropriate to tip? Wait until your stripper has just finished an impressive feat, such as doing a backflip or intentionally separating her shoulder then popping it back in.
Can you whine yourself back to being the quarterback of the Green Bay Packers? How about bitch and moan your wife into the Democratic nomination for President? Some people just don't know when to disappear.
If there's anything that gets you hits for your web site it's narrowly focused articles about public works projects of limited appeal.
Trappers and shippers, I come before you with news of glory and triumph! So great is my satisfaction right now that I CAN SCARCELY FEEL THE SHARP PAIN IN MY SKULL THAT PLAGUES ME DAY AND NIGHT. The source of this unbridled joy: MY HEROIC RESCUE OF J. F. SWANTON FROM CERTAIN DEATH.
Lead & Secure WDA mission briefing for mission #9: "Darkest Fears." You confront a neutrillium conspiracy and General Falcon confronts his deepest prejudices.
Even God doesn't get it right on the first try.
This is the way that Favre ends. This is the way that Favre ends. This is the way that Favre ends. Not with a bang, but an ESPN ticker.
Even a hardworking Cyberdyne Systems Model-66 sometimes has a few extra milliseconds to ponder life. Get inside a positronic neural-net processor and find out what a few production cycles are like at the Skull City production facility.
What went on behind the scenes of that world-changing Woodstock of the late 80s/early 90s known as Saved by the Bell? Find out in this exclusive preview of Dustin Diamond's tell-all memoirs!
Wizards are notorious for presenting you with tough hypothetical questions. How your respond may well define the rest of your life, if not make it unlivable entirely. To help you prepare, I have put together a listing of the most common wizard questions.
If I arced my urine into the jaws of my friend, the Tennessee combat badger, would he accept it as nourishment? And furthermore, would he, out of respect for our shared situation, oblige me in passing it through his hindquarters and into my waiting mouth?
Dealing with one of suburbia's most-hated pests can test a new friendship between a white knight Arab biker and a dumb slob with bad ideas on how to use a garden hose. Guess which one I am.
Wolf here. And I got more questions that I’ve stripped down, tied up, and left in my attic for a few weeks until they escape and contact local authorities while I’m at Giant Eagle buying egg salad. Kidding, I would never do that. There is no way anything is escaping from my attic, that shit is locked up tight.
The major television networks are locked in an eternal war. The battlefield shifts in favor of one side or another on a nightly basis, but no one ever comes close to total victory or defeat. For fans of conflict and good analogies, it's underwhelming.
Through the power of Google Future, gaze into tomorrow and see the world in the throes of the oil apocalypse. Cities burn and crumbling nations search desperately for alternative fuels in a ruined landscape of wild gangs, mutants, and cannibals.
This MILF and her tight little body is looking for a new career. But she shouldn't be on a ladder, she should be on the Internet!
BiGDOG delivers the lowdown on all the latest dog news and sets the record straight about his recent banning from BarkWire.com. You better come and sit, or BiGDOG's gonna smack your nose with a newspaper.
Chess, I am back! Raymondo has returned to you, gentlefolks, to offer some new friends for you to be friends with during the summertime. These will be friends for life, not just the summertime.
Something Awful guest columnist/driving enthusiast Derek is here to tell you why people not in cars may want to question their sexuality.
The Dark Knight is fantastic. For two hours it had me enthralled, temporarily forgetting the Mamma Mia! mania that had captivated my soul and the imaginations of audiences worldwide. That said, a few peculiar scenes seemed to have been affected by Heath Ledger's death.
Discover the ecstasy only a gorilla rape can bring to a woman. Don't be afraid. Don't be embarrassed. Let go of your inhibitions and embrace the many pleasures of That Marvelous Ape.
Exclusive scans of what happens when you push video game journalists too far.
Oh, it has been so long since I last lived on Gabbington. Mum said we won't be going back anytime soon and that makes me ever so sad.
Isaac Asimov lists the 30 laws of robotics, including <i>"A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm."</i> and <i>"A robot must stop visiting Isaac Asimov's bedroom at night and fabricating situations that would make it appear that Asimov has less than total control of his urinary faculties."</i>
The Arthouse of Horrors is having another open house to continue its exhibition of terrible videogame artwork. Steve joins Zack in celebrating these art atrocities inflicted on gamers since the mid-1980s.
Looks like your appointed defense attorney didn’t get you out of this one. Five counts of murder is a difficult case to back. That’s alright though, with this guide you’re set for a fun future in the slammer.
Before getting started with your first adventure with Dungeons & Dragons 4th Edition, you'll need three things: #1 - This handbook. #2 - At least one other person. #3 - Your imagination! (Can also be used to replace #2)
I know things about cigarettes, fine ladies, black folk, cowboys, and so much more. Take this information from my brain and put it into your brain by way of computers.
Find out what happens when dad tries to attend a business meeting and learn how the sorry state of transit in America can be improved.
Vermin, quite simply, is a mean and hateful dog. In the few short months since he arrived on the scene, he has caused nothing but misery and suffering for other dogs, dog owners, and dog lovers in general. Though his past is largely shrouded in legends and tall tales, one thing is for certain: Vermin is a force to be reckoned with.
Almost there! It is now time to pass the written portion of your exam and complete your training to become a Blackwater security contractor!
At that moment, they were in the Mountains of the Six Gods, a popular spot for hikers, skiers, and evil lords seeking remote strongholds. Past the mountains were the Foothills of the Six Gods, which were less impressive, but good for picnics, mountain biking, and less-evil lords wanting a stronghold at a convenient commuting distance from home.
Me: The Witch Doctor looks like a variation of the Necromancer that focuses on infectious diseases and fire instead of death and the art of looking like J. Mascis. The Internet: It's not the Necromancer so I'm not buying the game, even if all the unnanounced classes are the Necromancer.
Discover what insulting things your professors are writing on your papers, just because they assume you can't read.
Clownportal.com is the #1 cam portal site on the Internet, bringing members of the clown community together to laugh, make friends, and share what it means to be a clown in this modern era. It's not quite real life, but any closer and you would have pie in your face!
I tried not too look but I gleaned that she definitely had one big hand like a regular man and one little hand, which was knotted like the paw of a monkey. I liked her little hand but I didn't want to look too much, but I liked it.
Freezing people for deep space travel is a critical component of super-corporation Weyland-Yutani's colonial expansion. Roger Washington is one of many men behind the deep freeze, and he hates it when popped-collar suits start nosing around.
He’s a self-proclaimed expert. He always talks about the time he saw two topless chicks in one day. Spent a month in Thailand and the Feds are after him. Now he wants to help you with the ladies. He said he was going to “punch me till I die,” if I didn’t let him write an update. So enjoy and don’t look at Wolf in the eyes.
Welcome to the 0-Day Release Blog, your internet #1 source for info on all scene releases and information news. With current scene releases like the 43-minute Cam Screener version of The Incredible Hulk that was recorded with a cellphone camera, it's easy to see why we're at the best release news information on the blog.
All right, mates? It's your humble cyber-space correspondent Alistair Milner, here to flog Flixster. What's all this, then? Why, it's a computer-talking room that I've come to fancy. And it's easy peasy, young ducks. Let Jolly Pip show you the ropes.
A systematic debunking of all the smears plaguing Democratic nominee Barack Obama and his race to the White House.
Something Awful again sets out to prove that no matter what, you can nearly always find someone who'd want to touch you.
Fans of the old ABC show <i>The Six Million Dollar Man</i> can rejoice! CBS is bringing the bionic man show back and we have the leaked pilot script to prove it.
We were being taken to something called a Mega Event, which would be a huge Zionist rally on an IDF base near Tel Aviv, attended by the Prime Minister of Israel and thousands of young American Jews. It promised to be the most entertaining and flashy propaganda I had ever been forced to watch.
Join us as we spotlight the best and worst of Sporepedia, a website featuring user-made creatures that have had more consideration and planning put into their creation than 99% of actual human children.
Why country music is making our children even more boring and insufferable.
Many of us know what it means to “get to second base,” but what mysteries lie beyond the diamond? This week, The Dave Thorpe Dating Theory delves deep into the “base system” and explains what lies beyond home plate.
The Arthouse of Horrors opens its doors to questionable PC cover art. Stroll down memory lane with covers from the 80s and 90s. Realistically, you won't even remember most of these games.
It’s vacation time all around this continent and you’re feeling great. You’re out of school and Grandma’s social security check just arrived in the mail. Let’s go on a road trip to an amusement park! Hopefully you can make the right decisions to get there.
Brush up on your knowledge of the PGA Tour's 256th-best golfer with the stats and relevant information that you've come to expect from ESPN. Enter as an Alistaire Olajuwon fan, leave as a veritable fountain of Olajuwonic knowledge.
Quiet suburban Chicago is exposed to the dangers of radical Islam. Or tubular Islam. Kafir, my neighbor, is not a terrorist. However, he has certain other passions...
What happens when the latest meme is just a viral marketing stunt? You get mad...
The NEWS MAGAZINE of the COMPUTER SCREEN returns with yet more riveting stories of the day! From the heartland to the fair coasts, to the deepest reaches of other continents, the SA REEL SERVICE goes where the stories are waiting to be told! Find out what is happening in YOUR WORLD TODAY!
Two strikes! Now Something Awful is proud to offer our third and final endorsement for President of the United States of America. This person has the energy, dynamism, and inspirational qualities to bring America the change it so desperately needs.
John McCain's most minor sacrifices of dignity in the great backflip race to the White House.
If your home needs a touch of class or you're looking for that perfect gift for the funeral of a dear friend's infant son, Hodor's Quality Video Game Weapon Replicas is just what you've been looking for.
Six voters tackle the tough questions when it comes to the US economic crisis. Will they offer optimism or a rambling, borderline insane nihilistic view of America's future?
Once again, Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka and Kevin "Fragmaster" Bowen drink and review more things unfit for human consumption: energy drinks! This is part II, dummy.
Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka and Kevin "Fragmaster" Bowen drink and review more things unfit for human consumption: energy drinks!
It’s finals week for a lot of schools out there. Millions of people are reviewing their notes in an attempt to finish the year with good grades. Instead of studying, I decided to play a lot of FreeCell followed by a nightcap endurance run of Mario Kart Wii. Through the miracles of modern science, you can read my thoughts as I tried to take an exam.
Gruff paced the perimeter of his space-age teflon cell with grim determination. His eyes were flawless blue sapphires in seas of white milk, cool enough to give women goosebumps and sharp enough to slit the throat of an enemy's will.
Hillary Clinton is giving her final desperate pitch to the superdelegates. Can she save her campaign? Can she save...the world? Either put those sunglasses on or eat that garbage can.
Some things just need to be said, even if they've been said a million times before, by a million different people. Now I have the courage to say them too!
Having just moved, my grand plan is to fill my swingin' bachelor pad with merchandise from the Bradford Exchange, the premier source of things with eagles, wolves, Jesus, and dragons emblazoned on them. What better way to live than to be surrounded by the soaring symbols of America's pride, history, and ingenuity?
So many brave Nazis have given so much in their search for the Ark of the Covenant. Today, all of Germany must honor their sacrifice for the Fatherland. Their courage under fire, propellers, and truck wheels cannot be forgotten.
A clan of primates squabble in the dust of a prehistoric boneyard, unaware of the potential tools that surround them as they bite and claw at one another. This barbaric scene is interrupted by the arrival of a towering rectangular object they have never seen before: a monolithic banner ad for ClassMates.com.
You're invited on a tour of just a handful of the millions of private hells that exist in people's heads. Each nightmare reality is more terrifying than the last.
Find out why humor is dead, and also why it's all your fault.
Gentleladies and men, I am no stranger. You know me pretty well. I'm that guy who writes about dogs and hasn't had an original idea in roughly three years. We're practically a common law couple now. After all the times you suffered through my terrible updates for free, I feel like you owe me. You owe me a lot, okay?
The animal kingdom sometimes gets a free pass from critics because it's "authentic" and "natural." But are we really going to let God sit up there and insult our intelligence with his shoddy artistry? I say NO!
The previously unreleased roughcut of John McCain's "2013 ad" sheds new light on his mindset.
There are a lot of bums in Rome, these are my favorites.
The scientific community is abuzz with excitement following NASA's recent announcement that a black hole has been discovered in our Milky Way galaxy, and that current projections place our planet in the black hole's event horizon on February 3rd of 2011.
It's a classic story. Man buys table, man loves table, man goes to jail on four counts of public indecency. Should table-lover Arthur Price be hated or celebrated?
The old gray mare, she ain't what she used to be, ain't what she used to be...
I guaran-fucking-tee you I cam kick any artist you know around the block and back. I also guarantee I can smoke your reprobate ass into the ground in a game of wordplay.
I was invited to a delightful event this weekend in Crawford and I am excited to share my experience of this memorable and wonderful day.
We've noticed lately that a lot of people are discounting the possibility of Hillary winning the Democratic nomination. This kind of attitude is un-American. It's just wrong to act like someone has been elected months before the party big-wigs have had their say in secret meetings involving the exchange of personal favors.
"Before all this, I was a promising young testicle model." His hands shake as he lights a twisted stump of a cigarette, its filter stained by the original owner's pink lipstick. "My balls were photographed while resting on stacks of pancakes, bottles of cologne, even upscale cars. They said I was a natural."
The nightmare of the Democratic primary is all but officially over and now contender Barack Obama needs a friend. Who will accompany him on his endless journey to the White House? Learn more about some of the top contenders.
Senior citizens finally break the silence on the most sensitive topic in any Relaxed Lifestyle Assisted Leisure Community: grandchildren.
I had never owned a falcon before, let alone conceived of owning one, but seeing that falcon filled my head with a million great ideas. Life would simply be better with a falcon at my side.
Heeyyy! New here? Yeah, nice to see some ladies around here. You know, in the workplace. Women in the workplace. The ladies. Heh. Kind of seems like a boys club around here sometimes, right? Finally get some use out of that women's bathroom, right? I mean... you know. We all use the bathroom. I mean, we don't all use the women's bathroom. You do.
A forgotten two-fisted cyberpunk thriller from 1986. Hailed by critics as the most accurate example of the genre, "Cracked Copy" follows "datajacker" Case and his efforts to stay alive on the razor's edge.
Listen toots, this update is for men, and only the manliest of men for that matter. No gun collection or republican vote is going to fool me! Well, all right, this update is for men who are struggling to grow an awesome beard. I’ve formulaically created a list of the top facial hairstyles chosen by the beard-ly handicapped.
My dearest Lady Guinneviere Royceweatherfaire: I hope this letter finds you in good spirits. Our hunt has encountered a few minor setbacks. Three guides were eaten by elephants and a fourth made the mistake of donning a lion's carcass and sneaking about when the party was shooting at passing birds, as is our nightly tradition.
Each year on Friday the 13th the Princes of Midnight gather at a secret location to celebrate their positions as shapers of the masculine ideal. These powerful figures can sometimes butt heads when it comes to the arrangements for the meeting.
An asshole physics review of Grand Theft Auto IV
We're just looking for a bro to come over to read some craigslist posts and maybe take his pants off at some point. Nothing weird, just dudes hanging out.
I am writing in regards to the advertised position in your black metal band. I would very much like a chance to be part of this venture, and I feel that I have the rock god skills necessary to efficiently build and maintain a high profile Satan-worshipping black metal band.
As I sat in the NASA cafeteria on the last day of space camp prodding at a bowl of Five-Alarm Challenger Chili, the old handyman pushed open the double doors at the opposite end of the room. Although the years had turned his skin into a full body ballsack, the muscles beneath were hard as granite.
More free time than I wanted, some problems, and all of this TV coverage have got me thinking a lot about half-orcs, orcs, and being president. Could an orc really be president in the Forgotten Realms?
Gentleman's News Service correspondent Addison Hillsdale IV brings you his 1941 review of Citizen Kane.
Doublewide is as well known for his temper as he is for his appetite. He is rarely seen far from food, and is known to make a meal out of virtually anything. This vicious creature would prove more intimidating if not for his debilitating weight, which greatly diminishes his ability to give chase.
Intrepid reporter David Thorpe goes undercover at New York Comic Con as that most feared of supervillains: A GIRL.
The wild information-dense layout of Japanese magazine ads collide with strange English and stranger products. If you want to enlarge your breasts with foam, poop the weight away, and ward off Jewish vampires in Japan, then this is the article for you. It's mostly pictures, so it should take about one minute to read.
So today is Passover, one of the most important holidays in Judaism. It is also 420, a holiday created for the purpose of smoking pot, like Earth Day without the ambition. I guess there's a big party going on downtown tonight. They are handing out these fliers everywhere.
Life after the events portrayed in the Star Fox games was difficult for all members of the squad, but none had as difficult a time blending into the modern workplace as Slippy Toad. These are the tales of his downfall.
Dr. Grumman E. Wodenferd, Doctor of Impossiblism, brings you his 56th annual predictions of the future. Dr. Wodenferd is a respected Impossiblist and has one of the best records for futurist predictions of any American not using forbidden arts.
A shameless attempt to capitalize on a popular franchise and generate more hits to our web site.
A collection of helpful, handy, and thoroughly true tips & tricks certain to give you better odds of winning at the game of life.
Did I tell you about that time Tooth Tooth met the pope? Son, that shit is crazy. Actual goddamn pope, son. You gotta take my word on this one, god, because you ain’t gonna find that shit in any history book, you heard? This was two minds coming together, but will you ever hear about this shit from any devil’s history book? Naw, man.
We love our precious babies, but do we expect too much from them? Cats, dogs, and all the rest just aren't as smart as we like to think. It's a cruel reality, but the demands we are placing on our under-equipped pets might just be causing real mental health problems.
The action-packed conclusion to this classic spy thriller in which an old guy chases a giant flying robotic boot on the White House lawn, and another old guy gets yelled at by a Russian midget. Don’t miss it!
Print out these tidbits of blue whale knowledge. They may just save your life, especially if you fold them up into the pages of a bible and keep it in your shirt pocket, saving your life when someone with really good aim tries to execute you by shooting you in the heart instead of your head.
Profiles in Scourging is proud to present our first annual Blarghies, the awards for horribleness in Internet political reporting and commentary. Find out which of your favorite political brain trusts is responsible for which crime against humanity.
Discover the bold, new ways your friends will annoy the hell out of you on Facebook.
Something Awful is on spring break. Enjoy some adult content ads from our fine sponsors.
Enjoy the dubious yarns of Hillary Clinton before they hit the campaign trail thanks to the Hillary Clinton Tall Tale Generator.
It’s impossible to get through college on your own. But who on campus is actually there to help you? You have read this countdown to find out. Or just skip to the last three, but don’t do that.
The newest offering from master jRPG producer Kenji Otawanbi, Enchanted Eternia Legend may not tread new ground as far as gameplay is concerned, but its story stands head and shoulders above Otawanbi's previous efforts Phantasmia Excelsion and Epic Battalia Crossfold.
Yesterday was Autism Day. Unfortunately Asperger's crashed the party.
Noir is a bit of a mystery. Few people ever seem to get to spend more than a few hours with her. She is known for her aloof behavior and evasiveness, often avoiding people for as long as she can. But when she needs something, she knows how to play the role of man's best friend like no other.
Lieutenant Cristo of Astro Squadron receives a mission briefing from hell from Earth President Templeton of Earth Fleet HQ. Find out just how bad things can get in this science fiction RPG.
An ex-secret agent and an ex-mad genius, desperate for the return of their glory years, team up for one really badly thought out plan. It does not go well.
When Wrestlemania XXIV begins tomorrow night, it is estimated that the event will be broadcast via Pay Per View to more than one million households. That number is even more impressive when you consider that double-wide trailers aren't counted twice, as you'd think they would be.
Every scrap of minutiae has been gobbled up by election watchers this year, including an AP survey of candidate answers to unusual questions. Find out what questions the AP missed and how the candidates respond.
Four types of college students the world could do without.
A handy guide for determining the authenticity of your coach in an increasingly unsportsmanlike world.
Religion and big mouths dominate this installment of Profiles in Scourging. The Reverend Jeremiah Wright controversy gets worked over and Osama bin Laden feels the sting. Plus find out who got away with saying some unbelievably stupid crap.
Sentenced for a crime he didn’t commit, CLEATUS died for Hank William Jr.’s sins. I have presented you with some primary sources depicting the last moments on earth for the King of Booya. ARE YOU READY FOR SOME EASTER? Cause it’s Sunday night here in Golgotha!
Visit this official form at the official BLIZZARD GAME COMPANY site bluzzard.com/naruto3.html then fill it all out. Gotta give your name, credit card info, that social security number, and detailed description or photograph of your moist zone.
Even working stiffs can turn to crime. The USS Voyager falls prey to a petty criminal running a scam in the Delta Quadrant.
This year it is estimated that a billion Americans could lose their homes and will be forced to move into makeshift Hoovervilles, the proliferation of which will mean the demise of this country we call the United States of America. Find out why I'm so happy about this in today's bitter article!
Minor quotations and unfamiliar wisdom from one of America's great wits.
Looking for a great deal on a used truck? Look no further! CARS FREE MAGAZINE brings you all the best DEALS on TRUCKS! You won't believe the great BARGAINS on some of these VEHICLES.
The fracas over states being left out of the Democratic primary has highlighted the absurd assumption that allowing every state to have their say in national politics is a good thing. The truth is that not every state should be allowed to vote. Some are too dumb to vote. Some are too evil to vote. Some are Florida.
Tech Break is a syndicated column which runs in over three hundred print and internet publications around the world, including Digital Life, PC Compute Beep Beep, and Cat Fancy.
Political self-immolation was the name of the game this week, but Profiles in Scourging is never above flaying the flesh from a charred corpse. Salt the lash and join us as we tackle two of New York's finest: Eliot Spitzer and Geraldine Ferraro.
Bill Watterson hunter Thom Flindler gives an account of his latest epic journey.
Clumpy enjoys near legendary status with many college students, some even regarding him as a myth. He is far from fiction, though. I had the privilege of meeting Clumpy at a party in 2004, before his health started to decline. He was every bit the party animal the stories made him out to be.
There used to be an old saying about the Internet: "I signed up to complain about Star Trek, but I stayed for the free pornography." Well, the show has since been cancelled, but with a new movie coming just next year, it's time to begin living up to your obligations as an Internet person. Read this Star Trek refresher, then go look at some porn.
With the power of Google's new Google Future search engine we can glimpse the headlines of tomorrow. This time we utilize the quantum power of Google Future to peer just days and weeks into tomorrow to find out what happens when Hillary Clinton attacks.
Congratulations, you got a high school education. Unfortunately, in our society, those twelve years of your life mean shit. If you want to go to college, and I’m sure you do, then here are the first six obstacles in your way before you can spend the big bucks to live in a shitty dorm room and skip class to play Madden.
At first it appeared that there was no reaction at all. Then, madness. A strange sort of noise began to fill up the room, like the amplified fluttering of a moth's blood-drenched wings. It carried with it a sense of dread that I have never felt outside of a Waffle House bathroom stall.
We've heard from atheists, Christians, white men, and others. Now it is the abject moron's chance to air his grievances in an anonymous fashion. Find out what is bothering the dumbest among us.
Learn how an androgynous blob earns the right to push you around in today's revealing update.
I thought for sure I had a few decades left in me, but I guess that was just wishful thinking on my part. Had I known death was so imminent, I might have lived a better life and avoided pirating so many mp3s. The last place I imagined retiring was Hell.
It is moth month. Grey things are in the air; they fly at us and get in our tongues. We stir up ashes when we walk. The moths are coming back soon to eat at our clothes and land on our faces in the night. You will be shut in your house for weeks, and this bulletin must hold you over until you reemerge. Consider this news.
CARS, the ultimate guide to cars and deals on cars and where to buy cars is available at a grocery store near you. Today, we bring you a selection from the VANS on offer in CARS.
The Wolf Queen spoke first: "Young Misha, you were found in a time of need. Our oracle said to send a pack of wolves to the Warsaw ghetto, and there we rescued you. You have lived with us and learned. But the oracle has again spoken, and it seems that you are to play a much larger role in our world than any of us could have anticipated."
Widely considered the strongest man on the internet, Magnus Powerman of Stockholm, Sweden ripped YellowPages.com in half using his keyboard's Print Screen button and the Rectangular Marquee tool in Photoshop.
It's the year 2029 and Astronaut Kayla "Juice-E" Paulson is blogging from the Atremis-2 mission to explore Jupiter. What wondrous vistas will she encounter? What amazing adventures while she have? Find out!
Slake your thirst for nostalgia at the Super Smash Bros. Gym and ask, "What inconsequential character will be added next?"
An open letter to the Neighborhood Association regarding the behavior of Shady Vale's newest resident, Langall Stormbeard, on the subject of his unkempt yard and reckless use of sorcery.
We're looking for some bros to come over and hang out. Maybe more if we're all feelin it. No gay stuff, just maybe a little bit of mutual pleasure, if you get our drift. A little JO action, mayhaps?
What is on the minds of six of America's most opinionated voters? Find out when we ask them a series of questions sure to shine new light on the varied views of the electorate.
Writing a ten-page paper can be difficult, but by following these steps you can write at least fifteen with minimal effort. We all know the common changes like larger margins and periods, but here are a few tricks that are about to revolutionize the field.
I have contributed many articles to this newspaper over the years, ruminating on the important issues that affect our great country with such hard-hitting pieces as "Bread Is Better When It Is Warm", "Anyone Seen The New Bionic Woman?", and "Tracksuits: Sure Wish I Had Found Out About Them Sooner". Today's announcement might just top all of them.
An open letter to concerned mothers in which I outline my contribution to their efforts and attempt to add to the dialog regarding the children.
Amtrak starts random bag checks on trains. Amtrak's six passengers are outraged.
Promise has been one of Barkwire's top dogs for over a year. With looks that make most humans drool, she has no trouble stealing hearts and making waves. This angelic beauty has a winning personality and a strong love of children, which has made her a favorite of young girls everywhere.
Since 1994, the Internet Discount Barn has been your source for the hottest deals on the web! We don't know where they get their merchandise and we sure as hell don't hope to find out, but we do know this much: they deliver rock-bottom bargains at breakneck prices!
A long time ago and really far away toilets still got clogged up and trash compactors still jammed. Find out what it's like to live as a sanitation worker for the Galactic Empire.
The Yes We Can video made me realize that anyone, even me, could make my own tribute to Obama, and hopefully have an effect on the election. I got my friends together and created a concept that gave his message in an accessible way. We spent a few days scripting, filming, and editing, and created “Barack Obama: A Tribute to Hope”
Today's children face many dangers and perversions on the road to becoming sheltered adults. One day they're fending off peer pressure to join an online space rape orgy fantasy in the video game Mass Effect, and the next day they're doing their best to resist the sinful temptations of exotic body sprays.
Mexican wrestler El Pinto Grande assists Senator Hillary Clinton in her campaign to win over Latinos in Texas. Then he goes on a quest of his own to protect some endangered wildlife.
Diablo Cody's next movie is like Raymond Chandler meets VH-1's I Love the 80s.
With the distinct aroma of politics in the air, I cannot help but feel obligated to run for office. Trust me when I say that it is not a false sense of entitlement that compels me, nor is it what Dr. Martin Luther King called the "fierce urgency of now." It is simply the knowledge that unlike my opponent...
In an event that is sure to be remembered just as fondly as the first Star Trek convention, the indoor kids of the world went outside in full force on Sunday in protest against the Church of Scientology. Their efforts beg the thought: Can anyone really win the battle of Ridiculous vs. Ridiculouser? NetBeat and its loyal readers were on the scene.
Hunter S. Thompson skips a guild raid to blog on location from the Spike 2007 Video Game Awards. Find out who the winners and losers were in the biggest and only televised video game awards show, brought to you by Spike TV, FHM, and Blockbuster Video.
Cleatus, the FOX NFL mascot known for his no-bullshit exercises, only wanted equal opportunity. When FOX fired him instead, he contacted a longtime friend and world-famous football entertainer for help. This collection of primary sources shows the downward spiral of these two iconic images of football. ARE YOU READY FOR SOME UPDATE!?
In time, I discovered that the human body's movelist is more diverse than "lie down", "go to the kitchen" and "shake your head 'no' when your friends ask if you want to go swimming".
The election season always brings with it a storm of polls and demographic surveys, but some numbers and facts escape the notice of the major media outlets. Find out what's happening that isn't getting reported and analyzed.
These days everybody is talking about recession this and recession that. Oh no, the recession is coming and he's bringing Dracula! Oh please, give me a break. We're going to kick that recession's ass, and here's how we're going to do it.
Please select your symptoms. Our medical experts work through the clock to provide the best medicine tips and keep the site up to date with the late-breaking disease information not found anywhere else on line. We guarantee the cheapest medicine anywhere on the web or in the world. We promise that you may never know the true cost!!!
Senator made a name for himself with a series of negative encounters with many dog enthusiasts. When I went out to see for myself just what kind of dog Senator was, I was surprised to meet such a stunningly well behaved and friendly dog. He was very approachable, wagged his tail enthusiastically, and barked excitedly, though never too much.
Last December, Something Awful endorsed Senator Chris Dodd for President. With Super Tuesday only a day away, we feel it is time for us to endorse again. Learn who we have decided to endorse and why.
Hey there guys. Basically I'm just a normal home-schooled Christian kid and every once in awhile they let me write a little about my life and what I think about things. Also I will be making some jokes because this is a funny site for jokes. Today I want to talk about my cool new Asian friend. I met him at the mall and he owns a Playstation 2.
I used to think that books were fun, but my high school english teachers set me straight. Each and every word that an author puts to paper, you see, is actually symbolic of at least eighteen different concepts. Unless you take extensive notes and give yourself an ulcer straining to find this symbology, you won't be getting the full experience.
The final Democratic debate is taking place in Los Angeles tonight and we provide up-to-the-minute live-blogging coverage of this momentous event. Will the sparks fly or will it be hard to stay awake? Find out what happens at the showdown in Hollywood!
Guest columnist Debbie Kunzel shows you why a life without technology is the healthiest life of all.
A gentleman does not hire a disreputable robot to introduce him to a lady, nor does a gentleman hire a disreputable robot to accost a lady, so that he may suddenly appear in the guise of a hero and ward off the miscreant machine to win her favor.
A look at mankind's most flawless haircuts, and how they make the perfect moment in time last longer than forever.
Now that the government is giving us all free money, we need a site that let’s strangers tell each other worthless opinions on products. That’s LoyalTV.com. How does an almost nude woman feel about toothpaste? What is great about an Anime Club? Why do people like Arizona Ice Tea? All questions are answered on LoyalTV (and this update.)
Golfweek would like to retract last week's review of the new Big Bertha driver club. The article, consisting of nothing but ASCII Garfield caricatures, was a rough draft. We apologize to anyone who may have bought the club as a result of this misleading review.
Find out why dogs on boats are the greatest thing ever.
Rusty is an interesting Golden Retriever. He's a bit of an odd one, and definitely a love-him-or-hate-him kind of dog. While I have had many good encounters with Rusty over the years, his personality can be kind of off-putting to some. He's very independent and has unusual dietary interests. Definitely has some hygiene issues though.
Young Jesse writes to his brother to recount the strange events back home. Big Uncle Jack has been bitten by a snake, and something seems to be changing within him...
An interpretive dance on staying in Vegas.
America is a wasteland as Fat Cat Hollywood writers refuse to write for the eleventh consecutive week. The population grew desperate and then violent. A tumbleweed blew across the street. An old man rode by in an engineless Toyota Corolla pulled by a mule. "These are bad times," he said.
What if I told you that every job is connected to a very specific number that - once considered - would never leave the forefront of your mind? That simply knowing what this number signifies would be enough to eat away at your very very soul until you found a new line of work or pressed your face into a paper shredder?
The 2008 Hewlitzer Prize Awards recognize excellence in the field of superfluous writing. This year the Hewlitzer Commission has selected authors in six different categories and presented them with the esteemed Hewlitzer medallions.
What do you do when your city is inhabited by dozens of costumed serial murderers? The answer may surprise you.
The time has come, brave adventurer, to take another courageous journey into the vast dungeon depths of the Bradford Exchange! Together, we shall overcome the great evil that lurks there!
The infamous newsletter features puzzles and activities for youngsters wishing to follow in Dr. Ron Paul's footsteps.
Google Future provides a glimpse of tomorrow's news headlines from the Presidency of Barack Obama. Learn just how much change he has brought to America by the closing weeks of 2011.
People will do anything to be cool, even if it is a bloated nonsensical mutation of its original meaning. Remember the violence surrounding Starter Jackets? Well, atheism is the Starter Jacket of the Internet. Innocent people are getting attacked everywhere because of this new trend, but with a lot less crack cocaine.
Read our exclusive leaked script of the Phrenetic trailer and confirm what we've been telling you for months - this upcoming George Clooney vehicle will blow the doors off every phrenology-centric film that came before it. If this were Ain't It Cool News, these letters would be way too big.
Animal lover Raymondo offers a selection of sweet pets up for adoption to a good home.
My scamdar is going off!
The SA REEL SERVICE returns to bring you all the latest news happening in YOUR WORLD. This week's stories take us all the way from the high seas to the deepest reaches of the United States! Find out what is happening in YOUR AMERICA with the SA REEL SERVICE'S NEW MAGAZINE OF THE COMPUTER SCREEN.
Shelly Hwang and Young Lee have been lording their credit superiority over me and my business for long enough.The time has come for me to respond with both barrels by penning a hotly-worded letter on the subject of their disgusting bragging.
The primaries are about to kick off, and things are already getting entertaining on the political front. Instead of sticking to one topic today, I will go off about a lot of different stuff that’s happened lately. I’ve written a whole lot of words about the elections, and I’m passing the savings on to you.
The contest: Write an essay and win tickets to a sold-out Hannah Montana concert. The winner: A six year old girl who wrote about her serviceman father's death to a roadside bomb in Iraq. Unfortunately, the girl's father is alive and unexploded in Texas. I'll leave it to you to decide which fate is more desirable.
The primary season is heating up, Huckabee and Obama are winners, but that doesn't mean it's time to stop speculating! Join us on a journey through the possible press conference techniques of four of the most interesting Republican candidates. Plus a mention of Fred Thompson.
Get reeducated on copyright law with these words of wisdom from the RIAA. A Something Awful exclusive!
You've been responsible for a terrible year, Internet, and your horrible fireworks show will reflect that. Enjoy your fat men.