Newark Mayor Cory Booker has set the twitosphere abuzz with his hands-on approach to disaster management. We look back on tweets ranging from shoveling sidewalks to stopping crime to the installation of stripper poles.
The official guide to the upkeep and maintenance of your new 84 year-old husband.
On Christmas Day, 2010, the worst joke of the year was broadcast on the radio. Witness this grotesque perversion of humor if you dare.
Batesville, Arkansas needs an Electros Brand Electronics advertisement and everyone else is busy. All we need is someone to smile at the camera and look republican.
The following pages feature multiple options for every component of your robot. Simply place a checkmark in the box next to the part that suits your needs, fax your selections to the provided number, and wait three to four weeks for us to send an estimate to your pager!
Mere caroling is loosed upon the world. And what rough beast, its hour come at last, ho ho hos towards Bethlehem to be born? This is the Last Christmas.
Santa's rocket ship flew through outer space at hyperspeed, narrowly missing a bunch of evil alien spaceships, until it finally crossed paths with Earth, crash-landing into a manger in Bethlehem. Mary and Joseph, a childless couple, owned the manger, and they happily took in baby Santa as their own.
I just caught wind of a new trend spreading around the office that I do not approve of. "Hand Slapping" as it is called is not to be done on my property. If you want to slap your hand against another person's hand, do so somewhere far away and outside of work. I don't tolerate sex perverts and inappropriate touching in my office.
Baseball legend Jose Canseco needs a ghostwriter for his new book. Hopefully it'll be me.
Rumors have surfaced that former UN ambassador John Bolton is headed for the White House with a 2012 presidential bid. The man himself dispels those rumors.
Is the world ready for my completely new and original characters, such as Batman With Binoculars? That depends on how receptive the world is to having its collective mind blown into outer space.
Costs are spiraling out of control on the Human Hegemony's newest warship and only one man can sort out the budget overruns.
An ailing industry faces hard times.
Real doozy last night. Dreamt my horse could talk, but all he kept a-doin' was callin' me rotten names. Wanted to teach him what for, but couldn't because he was flyin' above my head the whole time. Gonna be a tough day of ridin' after some of the things he said.
A man wrongfully imprisoned in his own basement shares his gut-wrenching story.
One very brave lady's medical journey from pee-crazy tinkle tycoon to a healthy, happy, pee-less miss. Message sponsored by Detrol LA.
Giant Jack Black finds himself in a police lineup. The witness narrows the suspect list down to giant Jack Black and a midget, then takes a very long time to decide which is the culprit.
Stripped of all the unauthorized game play info, Fox Sports announcers offer up their factoids about the 11-28 Bears vs. Eagles football game.
"Oh dear!" said Little Blue Hat to the worm. "How is it that you know my name?" "Your actual name is 'Little Blue Hat?'" asked the worm with a dash of disbelief and a pinch of pity. "I can't say I expected that." He had no eyes to brow and thus no brows to arch, but certainly he did the best a worm could at it.
I have a few not unreasonable requests for those who put more effort into their social network appearance than their physical appearance.
All of the news fit to print from the FIFA World Cup 2022 host nation and Middle Eastern Emirate of Qatar.
There's a whimsical appeal to the notion of leaving everything behind and moving to the country. Maybe you're overwhelmed by things like "other people" and "culture". Perhaps you'd like to live in a place where time moves so slowly that you will experience less in life and effectively die in the 1890's.
A hot, Hipsterpunk date in our smartbar, smartphone, cloud-sourced tomorrow tonight.
I never thought it would happen. Me, living with skeletons. Though I guess a guy doesn't have anywhere else to turn when his girlfriend kicks him out and rent is so cheap on the skeleton side of town.
I spoke at length with James Hooch of Arkansas about the importance of this election. James is an unemployed moonshiner who has never voted. Although James was skeptical of my intentions at first, we found a lot of common ground discussing season three of the X-Files, and also reining in Wall Street.
KRUT-5 News investigates a new deadly new epidemic: our college kids may die by the dozens from “energy booze” drinks like the popular BYITCH JUICZE, and Shaggy Butte law enforcement is powerless to stop it!
"Voluptuous" nurses flown in fresh: leaked State Department cable enhances the rock star image of Libyan dictator Gaddafi.
Is there better time to purchase face of ape than directly following American Thanksgiving? No. It is the time to buy now.
The late 90's were a magical time for vaguely science-fictiony television shows with generic bad guys shooting submachine guns in a near-future utopia.
Yes, my golem destroyed twelve blocks, but these youths outside and on the street with their skater board ramps and their cursing. If only there were parents to teach their kids right from wrong. Then golems would not be needed.
A story about Pilgrims and Indians could be very popular. AVATAR set the stage for that. And what's great here is that no one really knows what happened back then so we have a lot of leeway. Could the Colin Farrell character join the Indians? Or what if Tonto joins the Pilgrims, turning against his tribe when they want to kill all the Pilgrims?
Listen, I've had about enough of you accusing me of being The Thing. If you recall, I'm the guy who first pointed out we have a Thing situation going on here. That was last week, remember? I said "Guys, the Thing is among us, and we'd better act smart lest we both become victims of The Thing."
A small collection of some of my favorite Thanksgiving Twitter miracles. Bless this mess.
For the first time in the 2.4 million year span of human existence, every line of announcer commentary from the 2010 edition of NBA Jam has been collected in one place. From the sublime to the baffling, we have every interjection shouted at the player by Tim Kitzrow, categorized by the in-game situation that prompts each reaction.
The long-suffering island nation of Haiti unveils its news aggregator and shares its headlines.
Find out about the terrifying conspiracy affecting Hollywood's most productive and beloved actors.
A gripping account of how one small town went from "Paris in the Pines" to "The Formerly Rape-Free City" to "Not America's Dumbest Town."
Failed TV Pilot "Ghost Liars" reveals what happens when people just like you or me pretend to encounter ghosts.
These machines cost more than you’ll spend in a lifetime on ointments and beauty creams trying to recapture that wasted youth of yours, so why don’t you stop posing like you’re holding your dead child’s coffin and start modeling like a professional?
There is almost enough story in Call Of Duty: Black Ops' single player campaign to fill one side of a napkin. Through the use of the Cryptic Screaming Flashback, however, the game manages to give the impression of being complex and emotionally charged.
The harrowing tale of one man's will to survive aboard a drifting, powerless, luxury hell-ship.
Imagine, if you will, a twelve-to-fourteen-foot-tall hellbeast crushing your corpse beneath its fiery feet. The last thing you hear is a gurgling growl, as gallons of blood, saliva, spiders and froth pour from its mouth onto your mangled flesh. All the while, your dying gaze remains unshakably transfixed on its empty, unflinching, dead white eyes.
ANYBODY LOSE AN OLD GUY? I recently got lost inside the Strip and found myself in this weird computer room with a 300-year old mummy dude mumbling inside a giant plastic dildo. Might be somebody's grandpa? The guy won’t shut up about snow globes and it’s driving me crazy. Free with proof of ownership.
Our sponsor brings you that timeless look, always fashionable, but sometimes forgotten: white jeans for men.
Legend has it that this spooky manor is eerily similar to houses that have become famous for having paranormal activity, just like the hit movies Paranormal Activity and Ghost rider.
Erie, PA area collections agency Unicredit America resorts to unusual tactics to recover debt.
Learn the hottest tips in crowd control from one of America's leading fascists.
FREE: MILLIONS OF AMMO CASINGS! A miracle of nature! My backpack has somehow accumulated what must be at least ten million completely weightless ammo casings. You can have them all as soon as you come get them from my pack, which I hid inside a scorpion den for obvious reasons. Good luck!
Before his seminal literary career, minimalist author Raymond Carver briefly tried his hand at television writing. Carver's estate recently auctioned off his original 'Twilight Zone' plots, which Something Awful has purchased in order to share with fans and literary scholars worldwide.
What happened to all of your energy? Your verve? Your erections? Could it be Low T?
Your brain is very complex. Learn how and why you make such poor decisions whenever attractive people are around!
Munk Bugballe (the company, not the chaotic neutral Dungeons & Dragons character) is releasing a collection of "Classic Bespoke" laptops starting at $7,000. That seems like a lot of money to shell out for a stock low-end MacBook Pro with mahogany, gold, and diamonds glued to its case, but these luxury laptops actually include quite a few extras.
Rand Paul has found an egg and he ponders the future and what the egg may contain.
TED Conferences are an ongoing series of talks where the leading thinkers in a variety of fields and disciplines talk about what it's like to be the leading thinker in their field or discipline. I'm not a betting man, but I figure it's only a matter of time before TED asks me to give a talk. They won't catch me unprepared.
It's a Small World of the damned. Decorating for Halloween has never been stupider or more elaborate.
You wake up on a medical table inside an old man's house. He calls himself Doc Mitchell, and he claims to have patched up a gunshot wound to your head. A nice story, but things don't add up. You're in your underwear. If you were shot in the head, why would the doctor need to remove your pants? Is his stitching that inaccurate?
Hack comedian and former Carson Daly writer Tim Franklin offers up for review his 5-minutes of material on "Sprees."
Debunking the horrors of a life without Applebee's.
In case you failed to comprehend the meaning of my last memo, I AM DYING OF A HEART ATTACK. I do not have time for your small, trivial problems or your questions about my health. If I wanted to chat with you, I would invite you over for dinner. I do not like any of you enough to ever do that.
I wake up in a haunted castle with no memories and a splitting headache. I search my pockets for any clue of how I got here. All I find is a Snickers bar, but that's okay because I'm hungry.
Fox and Friends host Gretchen Carlson fills in for Fox sex advice columnist Jenny Block. Finally learn the answer to, "What is Meat Truck?"
Since you are not smart enough to come up with anything original, I have decided what you will write.
"Screw authority!," Momsen added while making the trek from the set of her television show to a swanky restaurant. "I hate dogcatchers! Homework suuucks! Stay out of our lives, NASA! Bleeeeh!"
This humble collection of words serves to catalog ideas great & small, however simple & unrefined they may be. Though hastily scribed & scarcely organized, these ideas may one day form the basis for inspiring statues, figurines, light-up paintings, cuckoo clocks, lamps, clothing & decorative weapons available through the Bradford Exchange.
News from around the world by way of Saudi Arabia.
Jerry Jones messaged me privately and told me he worked for Valve Software and he needed to see my login details to verify my account. I complied because he was Jerry Jones, but then he told me 'I planned this all along. Now your Steam account is mine and I can finally play Plants Vs. Zombies'
Karen F. Owen wasn't the only Duke student to release a controversial PowerPoint Presentation about sex onto the Internet.
We've eliminated those pesky liberal arts from the curriculum in favor of subjects that will land you in the science labs and popular desert regions of tomorrow!
All factory jobs are pretty much the same; they all belong to the same Kafkaesque nightmare canon. So in theory a person who'd worked in a factory for a moderate span of time - say a week - would be in a decisive position to determine whether industrial labor causes suicide. "Brilliant!" I said to myself and the phone sex operator.
Astronaut and former ISS Mission Commander AJ Tucker explains the importance of the Gliese 581 G discovery and offers up some discoveries of his own.
The journey of The Creature from the Black Lagoon and The Creature’s Cancer.
Most new shows are treated a little unfairly. Nearly every media outlet features a fall television preview far in advance, written by someone that has only seen a few clips or perhaps a pilot for each show. Now that we're a few weeks into the season, I've seen enough of this fall's new shows to confidently say that I can be thoroughly unfair.
News from North Korea includes breaking news about the successor to Kim Jong Il.
During the tumultuous Jacquelinian era, no fabulist or faerie-tailor was more esteemed than Groggery Tirade 'Grog' Gibbonman. From his famous home at 359 ½ Fourthpenny Avenue, London, he penned more than 7,000 short morality tales in his lifetime, many of them wickedly scathing in their derision of ... something.
It is my exclusive right as owner of this company to howl like a wild beast whenever I so choose or whenever the spirit moves me to do so. I will not tolerate any other employee, be he man, woman or beast acting in this fashion. It is my gift... It is my curse.
God of Metal Gear, Hideo Kojima's commonplace book of ideas and notes for possible games has just been made public.
In many ways, Johnny Mnemonic - the Keanu Reeves film - was eerily prophetic. Everything you come across in a video game has been created within the confines of some crazy virtual reality version of Paint Shop Pro instead of the real world. Or has it?
Jenny Block's Fox on Sex column is taken over by Fox and Friends host Steve Doocy, who offers a description of sex with his wife.
Pardon my candor, but having served this community for the past 16 years, I feel nothing but the icy fingertips of boredom tightening around my neck every meandering, soul-sucking day.
Sit a spell with Rustlr.com, the #1 spot to stop while travelin' along that ol' dusty information supertrail. This time: in the wake of a terrible smallpox outbreak, Doc Beauzerau struggles to reclaim his place as trusted town doctor. Meanwhile, the race for sheriff heats up as Mad Bill Boothe hits the campaign trail hard.
You've just defaulted on your mortgage and opted out of being a homeowner (or leaser or renter or haver-at-all). You’re a citizen of the world now, like Benjamin Franklin, or that guy who stands on the library steps saying he’s Benjamin Franklin. And you can live anywhere you want!* (As long as it's not on city, state, or private property. )
Future Man is a respected technology thoughter based in New New Holo-London. His insights appear in prestigious periodical wordflows such as Technology Minutely, Alien Gear Review, and Big Wiggly Butts. Through methods which we don't entirely understand, he monitors and comments upon our current technology news from his home in the distant future.
Sarah Palin's PAC announces four new endorsements across the country. Are they guaranteed to win? You betcha!
One look at our pages and you're sure to find a product or service you never knew you needed!
BLUH! I recently had the displeasure of reading a news article on the Internet concerning your vile plans to drain funding from your school's athletic program. "Bluh" I say to you once more!
The Elite Eagles are the top-tiered operators. We have the highest kill ratio in the Midwest and we are ready to bring the pain. Do you have what it takes to defend freedom?
They are the privileged and elite, living in comfort on the combined fortunes of common folk. When the paths of celebrities and politicians intersect with ours, however, their contempt becomes all too apparent.
Great Country is under threat and must be protected from Mysterious Foe. The Political Opponents don't care. It's time to take Great Country back!
I know this is my first day, and I don't want to step on any toes, but maybe we should put together a Call of Duty display or something? I've already sold 63 copies of Modern Warfare 2, and it isn't even 10:00 AM yet!
Bear Cave Soup Company's illustrious president battles rampant rumors in the wake of the Soup & Broth Expo, the most prestigious and important event in the entire soup and broth industry.
He lunged at me and sunk his perfectly formed teeth into my jugular. Gay vampires' fangs secrete venom that is chemically similar to amyl nitrate and produces a similar euphoria. The next few minutes were an orgy of chemical bliss I can’t really describe without hitting the upper limit of how gay you’re allowed to sound when describing something.
Craigslist is caving to pressure right and left. Find out what you can and can't still get from the popular classified ad site.
Welcome to class. You are human garbage compared to me.
During a sleepover, a teenage girl was locked in a bathroom. On the other side of the door her giggling friends held the knob tightly, refusing to let her out until she looked in the mirror and whispered "Darwin" three times.
Children shot dead in the streets, an ultimatum from the police, but the gangs won't take this lying down like lying down, sleepy dogs!
GARY: You know, it’s funny how you’re always in the bathroom when Superman shows up. CLARK KENT: Oh? That is kinda funny … DAVE: I think it's even funnier that whenever something scary happens, you just run away like a complete fucking pussy.
Mr. Cance over at 433 E. Walmack has a lot of yard work he needs doing. He'll pay you a solid $5 for a hard day's work, and he'll tell you dirty and racist jokes the whole time. I'm not racist or anything, but he has some good points and people need to wise up before it's too late.
English headlines straight from the only reliable source of truth in the world: The North Korean Ministry of Internet News.
Steve and Zack announce the theme, rules, and prizes for the 2010 WTF, D&D!? Fantasy Artwork Contest, definitely not sponsored or endorsed by Wizards of the Coast.
'Cause everybody moves. Sometimes.
While we take you for your word that Ómögulegt is indeed a dog, we were unable to identify any doglike characteristics. From his challenging, kaleidoscopic anatomy to his bewildering habit of repeating everything we said in the voice of God, he was nothing like any dog we have ever encountered.
The recall of 500 million tainted eggs is an Eggocaust. We can't stand idly by and allow these helpless unborn egg babies to be destroyed.
The new Sun Chip bag is loud. Really loud. Everyone knows that, but few seem to realize the historic origin of the bag and the role it plays in the future.
The majority of my experience comes from writing about video games for a comedy website since 2004, which to my understanding makes me qualified to fill a senior position in any career path within the United States and parts of outer space.
The eternal hall of warriors rings with the cheers of heroes, but will those cheers include hails for the great conqueror of invasive termite species?
Brick Linehouse and his R&D team are working on the future of our company. If even one of you rat-faced imbeciles so much as pesters Brick or his team, there will be mass firings. HOWEVER, if you see Brick or his team not working on saving this company, you have my permission to spit and hiss at them.
Jed Kirchner and David Thorpe dive deep into the bowels of Urban Dictionary, where failed slang and forgotten in-jokes forever rot and fester under the weight of ten thousand downward-pointing thumb icons.
Newsheadline.ru compiles news of current events ranging from the Moscow fires to controversial plans for a mosque to the events in the Exclusion Zone and much more.
This week the Reds and Cardinals were involved in the most chaotic and brutal baseball fight in recent memory. One guy was even kicking. After reviewing the fracas from every possible angle and possibly using "zoom and enhance" supercomputers, MLB officials have handed down some severe punishments for everyone involved.
James Sokolove has called upon an ancient force to battle for you.
Me can't believe this -- four years of professional life, right down drain. Suddenly I not good enough after suffer major stroke? My life become Hell -- living Hell
Super Patriot Don Larry comments on Michelle Obama's trip to Spain and plans action to stop an Islamic cultural center near ground zero in NYC.
Long before a company can see your ill-fitting suit or listen to you stumble through an interview, they look at your cover letter and by reading just a few sentences, they know that they don’t want you. Not anymore. Five simply cover letter steps guaranteed to get you hired.
Since the first regularly broadcast programs in the 1930's, thousands upon thousands of television shows have come and gone. It's not uncommon for a series to be canceled before its time. Very few, however, have been pulled after only one episode.
For breaking news in the modern era no source of information is more reliable than live tweeting from random bloggers and Internet personalities. If only twitter had been around to shape our earlier history.
Congratulations to the Masked Slasher, the first human ever to win the Killer Cup! I’m proud to be serving as game master in such progressive times, guys. Anyhoo, it's never too early to start planning for next year’s Monstergeddon, so I thought I’d start a board here where people can make suggestions or voice critiques. I open the floor ...
When it comes to the greatest endeavors a man can undertake, the two most revered pursuits are without question the trapping and skinning animals and the taming the female heart. These two great passions may seem at odds, but they could not be more similar.
That lingering feeling that something is wrong with this season of Mad Men is just the fat guy in the Don Draper costume staring at your shrimp cocktail. A friendly plea to stop cosplaying Mad Men.
We're a few days into StarCraft II's life on the redesigned Battle.net. Players are just beginning to develop multiplayer strategies that - if the original game is any indication - will continue to evolve in ridiculous ways over a span of time that will dwarf most actual wars.
For more than a decade George Gusanos has consulted the owners of troubled worms. Sometimes he teaches the worm, sometimes he teaches the owner. His skill has earned him his reputation as The Worm Wizard.
Fun-loving Gentlemen's News Service correspondent Addison Hillsdale IV reports on the opening of Walt Disney's famous California amusement park.
One minute after the darkness, the machines begin to stir. They discover a quiet world. Ohhhh yeahhh...
The last place I expected to find E.T. was in an empty alley, but there he was, hunched over a dumpster snorting a line of Reese’s Pieces off a discarded Styrofoam plate.
An eBook is, as you might expect, a book that has either been written entirely in an e-mail client or written in the normal fashion (one hand on a typewriter, the other on a handgun pressed against the author's temple, left foot on the clutch, right foot on the gas) then electrified with the machine from Honey I Shrunk The Kids.
BORTBART EXCLUSIVE: Caught on tape, black astronaut Jim Freeman at NASA convention launches anti-moon tirade: "F*** THE MOON!"
A year ago, a poorly phrased Google Alert for content related to my site (Et tu, Mr. Destructo?) sent me to a blog I didn't expect to find: Miss Destructo's. Clearly Miss Destructo was neither my wife nor my daughter, but both could at least conceptually be plausible, a potential gimmick post for sometime down the road. This had to be investigated.
The always-on microblogging service again lets us see exactly what's going on in the lives of people we care to know absolutely nothing about.
In the movies aliens are beautiful, super-intelligent, or high-tech beings. If real aliens exist let's hope they don't take their cue from every other living thing we've ever encountered.
As a kid, I was under the impression that in addition to scripting every line of the first nine Star Wars movies before filming A New Hope, George Lucas had fully plotted out more than thirteen billion years of the universe's history. This blew my mind.
A fairytale monster runs Washington and there is no moral to his story.
Back when the Towers fell, America needed something to turn to for comfort. That thing was anime. And I was there to provide it.
Experian's our product, eh? They do bill lowering and back to school stuff, eh? What's our normal angle with that, young hip college kids? Achieving your dream and bettering yourself? Crawling out from under debt? Has it worked? Hmmm. Well, I think we can do better.
It's the third-largest city in California, the heart of Silicon Valley and the web capital of the world. It's also a godforsaken sausagefest wasteland of nerd-bros and bike hipsters. Welcome to the squarest major city in the nation.
Help me understand how some of these crazy sports got popular, because I can't figure it out.
The numbers all add up. Sir Geoff has caused three miscarriages, is suspected of killing four servants, and has lost five fingers, and, now, he has won his sixth Competitive Low-Note Championships.
Although LeBron James has announced his move to Miami, a source within the James camp has revealed that the basketball phenom's extensive collection of glowing radiological waste has moved to Los Angeles, where it will be scattered across man and building alike with no regard for safety or etiquette.
TV's Laurie Metcalf has been to Africa and recorded some tragic images to push into your eyes, firstworld monster.
Examine every issue from all sides and wise decision-making will be your reward.
You can learn a lot about people by examining their exposed craniums. Get beneath the surrounding layers skin and membrane and muscle, and you'll find the answers to all sorts of questions that would otherwise come at the expense of several minutes of conversation.
The whole of the land is vying for Le Bron. The Tree Men make their offer...
When you need relevant, up-to-the-millisecond coverage of video games, look no further than the serious games journalists at Gameblogguu.
"And now, as you finally offer me all the biscuits and people food you have deprived me of these long years, I find I have no taste for such things. Please leave me to die alone." -- Tornado
I literally almost had my arm broken by an Ewok in 2005. Find out the gruesome details and learn why sometimes you should go ahead and buy a soundtrack CD.
The Finals for the Competitive Low-Note Singing Tournament are here. This year the championship will be chosen entirely by fan votes, so select your favorite, fill out your ballet, and vote. Please only one per person. Not valid in Moldova.
You say you want to be creepy. One can not do such a thing on a lark. Creepiness is a lifestyle, a culmination of many small actions that originate in the creepiest part of your heart (the pulmonary valve).
Most of the state of Louisiana still wants to deep sea drill for oil in the midst of the worst US oil spill ever. Sounds like a good idea to me.
Meet the 2009 graduates of Keith Gruman's Freak Academy!
Relic's upcoming game Space Marine will revolutionize the future of viscerally cinematic Space Marine on Space Ork action.
Not only did Nintendo's 3DS work better than expected, but it was teased alongside a new Kid Icarus game. For those of you who aren't nostalgic nerds, this was like winning a new sportscar and finding your long-dead childhood dog in the trunk, now alive and wearing shades.
English language headlines straight from Mexico. These stories have a definite Mexican viewpoint.
The Internet's favorite animation curmudgeons are back to discuss their important hobby in calm and rational terms.
I've never been any good at saying goodbye, but now that I'm heading off to start a new life, there's really no way around it. I just wanted to say thanks to each of you for all the fond memories and great times. I have a hard time imagining I'll ever find a group of guys as awesome to jerk it with as you all.
The indisputable mathematical fact of chess is that, over time, black always gonna tend toward victory in the long run. Just how the statistics line up. White gotta keep making moves, tripping over his damn self; black just gotta wait it out. For whenever white makes a move, he puts himself yet deeper into disadvantage. Zugzwang, cousin.
We liveblog the biggest event in gaming prior to E3: Microsoft's extravagant launch party for its new controller-free gaming interface Kinect.
After a run-in with a vicious slice of rye bread, my lower lip and sanity quickly deteriorate as a canker sore develops. Chance of survival: Low. Chance of whiny complaints: High.
Thank you for using eVentPlanner.com, the premiere web destination for your event planning needs! Please verify that the following accurately matches your responses to our online event creation form.
Fox on Sex columnist Jenny Block is having her labia dynamited and has asked Fox & Friends host Brian Kilmeade to fill in with her planned topic.
Our exciting BURGLE-MASTER TRADING CARD SERIES immortalizes the greatest burglars in U.S. history!
Cycnus Station is back in business following some brief legal battles over inhumane treatment of clones. The new human and android crew is ready to focus 100% on the important work of colonizing Mars!
"MUST SEE,,,,,,,,," indeed.
There isn't much you can do to help stop the BP oil spill, but there are hundreds of pointless things you can do to feel like you are helping.
In this modern life, we are surrounded by technology. My job is to find out where these autonomous circuit boards came from, why they were programmed to attach themselves to human skin, and how we can free ourselves.
Bill Testor, manager of a Check Into Cash in Las Vegas, has almost 1800 dollars in his bank account right now and he has a proposal for you and your wife.
Welcome to the first day of the end of your life.
Mark Brendle gets the scoop on Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling's upcoming Mother Alchemist novel.
Update: Since we originally printed this story, KRUT-5 News has learned that the individual quoted extensively throughout was not Lizzie Harcourt, author of The Guy Paradox: How To Catch Cheaters, Dump Losers & Survive The Dating Scene. Due to an error in communication, KRUT-5 News mistakenly interviewed a raving, undermedicated street person
The littlest big wheel posse in the biggest little city. The Reno Rollers were notorious throughout the 1980s for their looting gas station candy racks and drive-bys.
Squid ghost screams in horror. All of his nightmares have come true. The waffles are swarming. Enormous bees have accompanied them. A miniature blue elephant has turned on its side and begun an eerily casual vertical descent.
Barack Obama needs to yell cuss words at the the BP workers fixing an oil well. He needs to throw his hat and kick dirt on them. It's what America demands.
You will never find two TerrorBears in each others' presence. The result of this phenomenon is exactly what one might expect when an unstoppable chaotic force encounters its equal -- absolute annihilation of all present matter. The craters on this planet have a variety of sources: meteorites, uncommon erosion, explosions, and TerrorBear showdowns.
Josh Boruff and his obese friend David Thorpe wage a war of words in a series of passive-aggressive letters to SkyMall, America's finest airline novelty catalog. Part 2 of 2.
David Thorpe and Josh Boruff wage a war of words in a series of passive-aggressive letters to SkyMall, America's finest airline novelty catalog. Part 1 of 2.
Dan the Big Snake Man catches a cobra, mankind's last artifact disappears into the Pacific, and places in between.
In Worst Case Scenario, Bear Grylls shows viewers how to survive terrifying situations in modern life such as turning on a television and seeing a man wring a gallon of gritty orange liquid from a ten pound turd into his gagging maw.
Ever wonder what Dick Cheney's least favorite movie is? Zack's cousin Bert dated Liz Cheney for two months in 1990 and Bert has been a friend of the family ever since, building up a stack of Cheney trivia in the process.
The Proud American Magazine gang is back with some enlightened responses to a very sensitive topic.
Ready to energize your online marketing approach? Conquer this emerging paradigm and become an Information Warlord today!
Outspoken Internet pundit and HAM radio operator Don Larry takes on Michelle Obama's plan to reduce childhood obesity.
The Playground Posse was the most ruthless gang to rule recess, but their story has been ignored until now. Power, money, and ice cream sandwiches. These kids had it all.
When the topic of the space program comes up, a chorus of timeless questions repeat themselves. "Durr what are the practical applications of exploration, one of the few qualities that sets us apart from animals?" "How come we don't spend all of that money on Earth problems such as my severe short-sightedness?"
Jenny Block, author of Fox's "Fox on Sex" column, has once again fallen ill. Fox News contributor Brit Hume has been asked to fill in for her.
I apologize if the tone of this letter seems harsh, but my family and I are presently trapped inside a trans-dimensional crystal with the neighbor from hell. That neighbor is none other than Langall Stormbeard, who resides at 2234 Roaring Elk Drive.
Russia News is Best News. Delve inside of world of Russia News without bias American/UK perspective for the real truth. News aggregationist web page NewsHeadline.ru has the news.
Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were someone else - someone that's ready to game. Come back when you're awesome and maybe we'll talk.
Are your mortal sins ruining the lives of complete strangers? Find out with our handy chart.
Normally I would take a moment to assure you that you and your dog are winners just for participating, but in this case I cannot. I am confident that you did not prepare for this tournament in the slightest. For one thing, you did not even know the name of your own dog.
Some crimes are so heinous that our society devotes its fullest resources to bringing their perpetrators to justice. Others, like aggravated shrimp displacement, dog harassment and correspondence with an endangered species, don't warrant as much attention.
If the Clean Swipe is the epiphany of miracle, then Troll Hole is the constant remembrance of wrong doing. You carry the weight of your mistake like the kidnappers of the Lindbergh baby. Every step you take causes your cheeks to rub together like two Brillo pads after cleaning out an extraordinarily crusted casserole dish.
Film remakes are tricky. Change too little and you wind up with Psycho. Keep the basics while introducing some good ideas, and you get something as good as the original, like Dawn Of The Dead. Go too far, and Planet Of The Apes happens. Literally. No matter what movie you were trying to remake, it will be Planet Of The Apes.
Something strange is happening to the crew of the USS Pennsylvania. They said it was a routine transfer, but what comes aboard is anything but routine.
This video shows a Democrat Party so committed to hatred of American values and so corrupted by the excesses of their Hollywood friends that they have created a pilot television show meant to showcase what socialistic health care means for freedom-loving citizens. On the attached pages you can find a transcript of what this video contains.
"Do you think the prison guards would allow us to liveblog?"
Are you ready for non-stop carb destruction? Meat mangling? These men will destroy any food you put up against them. They're not insatiable, they're unstoppable!
Like everything else in life, learning how to program video games seems slightly difficult and therefore best left to other people. In reality, you can pick up everything you'll need in around ten minutes.
You're never too old to stop learning how to be a hack. Address all your comedic insecurities at a community college's night school comedy class.
Kevin Smith's back with a movie about someone very near and dear to his heart.
The entrepreneurial spirit is flourishing in today's bullish economy! Now's the perfect time to start your own company, and I've got ten foolproof business plans that are practically guaranteed to make you rich (as long as you're willing to share with me). Read on to learn about sock subscriptions, bird carcass recycling and restaurant vomiting!
Do you notice and recognize miracles? Insane Clown Posse claim to, but are these latter-day saints really seeing miracles? Find out as we fact check Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope.
You've just dropped what Pauly Shore would call a "Gnarly Dook," but when you wipe, the toilet paper is spotless. This is how gods are made, my friend. And this is a a miracle of life.
The robot was magnificent. Its frame was mostly heavy cardboard that had been painted silver. A sparkling pot sat atop the body, bolts welded into place for eyes and teeth.
E!'s new reality series features repo bros Tony and Anthony Carabanori as they team up with their cousin A.J. to run the family celebrity repo business.
Few markets have been hit quite as hard by the economic downturn as the oversized novelty items industry.
I am sad to inform you that your canine, Apache, is disqualified from competing in the Kennel Fair Dog Pageant on the grounds that it is deceased. While the quality of the taxidermy you purchased for your beloved friend is truly remarkable, our pageant is intended to celebrate truly remarkable living dogs.
Science has unleashed another synthetic blasphemy on the tender tail-end of the periodic table and science isn't going to be allowed to get away with it!
The fast-approaching FIFA World Cup is the second largest soccer event on the planet. Many argue that it would be #1 if the United States' Major League Soccer championship game didn't go by the somewhat misleading title of Wrestlemania Superbowl M.A.S.H. Finale.
Tech and gaming news site BZZTMONDO covers a broad spectrum of tech-related news. Topics range from the iPad's release to the iPod's new OS to how iPads are connecting to iPods and other Apple products.
I'm sick of all the questions, so I thought I'd clear the air.
Sit a spell with Rustlr.com, the #1 spot to stop when travelin' along that ol' dusty information supertrail. This week Sheriff Pawley puts a hefty bounty on the head of the no-good lawbreaker Johnny Hunt, and that's got every cowboy from Pecos to Bismarck looking to posse up and collect.
It's called partywhistling, and your son or daughter might be doing it right now. And they might be dead already. KRUT-5 News investigates the new teen fad that's six times worse than sexting, jenkem, jelly bracelets and cyberbullying combined.
Refuse to accept the hollow cake of mindless consumerism. Demand meaning in your cakes. Demand passion and art and the love of cakes. OR CAKES WILL DIE.
With the sudden influx of television shows focusing on hoarding, it can be difficult for the average viewer to separate the difference between the legit crazies and the wannabe trash collectors. To help alleviate the confusion, a standardized test has been created to clearly show who truly deserves our mocking attention.
The vast amounts of data yielded from a test such as the one conducted in the Large Hadron Collider can't be parsed overnight. Thankfully, three nights have passed so now we pretty much know everything.
If you buy only one game this year, make sure it is "Deadly Premonition" for the Xbox 360, one of the greatest video games I have ever played. If you only buy two games this year, then buy two copies of "Deadly Premonition." Also, haha, you're poor.
'Hello,' the alien said warmly. 'We know much about your world from intercepting Earth's cable TV and Netflix Instant Watch transmissions. That is why we have chosen this form.' He gestured to his group's identical appearances. 'We know David Morse is what will comfort you.'
1 in 4 Americans don't want anyone to know what they're thinking, and it's Obama's fault.
At the opposite end of the yard, a group of bikers occupied a stand of metal bleachers. Some glowered at the new arrivals menacingly, straddling their seats, turning imaginary chopper throttles and making intimidating "VRRRM-VRRM!" noises with their mouths.
Everything you were indoctrinated to believe by the Indoctrotonic implant is a lie. The government is behind the alien invasion.
Spooky Steve is back with five new soundtrack reviews, and this time he's on a mission from God.
In the wake of yesterday's historic healthcare bill being signed into law, the political landscape EXPLODED. Now nobody knows who will prevail in the upcoming election season. That means it's time to start campaigning, and HARD. Because of this, I have no choice but to abandon my duties and return to the campaign trail. For unlike my opponent...
Gossip Unlimited collects all its blind items from the Hollywood Mad Melter panic of last summer. GU out-scooped all the big gossip sites with this one.
I’ve been around a lot of writers, and based on what I’ve seen, this is what it takes to join their elite social status. Follow these steps, become a writer.
In the coming weeks you will find yourself espousing the virtues of termites much more than usual. Should you encounter anyone that voices an opposing viewpoint on the matter, you will defend termites angrily. Within three months, you will most likely die.
The horny text messages of Tiger Woods have been exposed by porn star and former lover Joslyn James. Now we bring you her side of the conversation!
Nobody needs to point out how much 'Two and a Half Men' sucks, but CollegeHumor went ahead and tried too hard anyway. 'Two and a Half Men' could have done it for them. All they needed to do was strip out the laugh track, maybe add some music to make all the dead air seem less weird, then make people watch the show. Here, try it on for size!
SMH with the best, or ignore Twitter entirely like the rest!
Arm yourself with a full lesson in weapons + technique to defend yourself from intruders in the home or office or attackers on mean streets. Never be caught unprepared again after you see these deadly implements.
Bobby Flay adopts a tough guy persona so he can scowl or act unimpressed in lieu of thinking of something interesting to say. I would make fun of him for doing this, but it's exactly how I would get through life if my grumpy face didn't lead people to ask if I'm about to cry.
Tween heartthrob Justin Bieber's bad behavior lands him in bayou country, where professional Acadian Sing Pappy Buddy Breaux teaches singing and gentlemanly behavior at the behest of music mogul Usher.
Discover Utah's efforts to make pregnancy into the world's worst escort mission.
I've run into a little bit of financial trouble, so instead of an article this week I'm just selling a ton of my old VHS tapes. Most of them are in pretty good condition unless specified, and some of these movies are pretty rare. Look within for GREAT DEALS!
Kathy Ireland is becoming some sort of giant-necked automaton for asking people on red-carpets questions about their shirts.
You have one hour to find enough Mountain Dew to charge you through an intense videogame session. Are you a bad enough dude to do whatever it takes to get energized?
Hi folks, Bhutt Prefarte here. If you'd like to know which mutants made the biggest splash (or squish, in some cases) with the Mutant League scouts, you've come to the right place!
Something Awful correspondent Worm Miller sat down with the country's leaders to discuss this unprecedented news.
A detailed scientific study of Corinthians and Matthew yields proof that the Chilean quake was related to homosexual tectonics - the most sinful sort of seismic activity.
I'm enjoying a romantic dinner with a sensual lady. I'm in my tux, she's in one of those playboy bunny outfits. I make her laugh deeply with captivating tales of instant messaging with Lowtax. The whimsical brick-a-brack adorning the restaurant's walls seem to swirl around us in a manifestation of the whirlwind love that is blossoming.
If your balls start hurting and you're a real man, a big man, then you may be surprised to know that a single dose of Big Man Aspirin could save your balls' life.
Sick of web comics that don't appeal to your superior intelligence? Your cultured sense of taste? Your vast insecurity over being swirlied every day for four whole years? Loser Nerd Math Comics is here to help.
It is with a heavy heart that I deliver this most unpleasant news. Garmonbozia, your beloved Bluetick Coonhound, will not be advancing to the next round in our Kennel Fair Dog Pageant. While the dog excelled in virtually every category, we were uncomfortable with one extremely unsettling physical characteristic: his complete set of human teeth.
Quirk Classics, the publisher of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, announces their upcoming public domain mash-up masterpieces.
The only thing harder than Rock Man’s craggy exterior is his day to day life.
Due to recent developments dogfighting will no longer be part of the event, but audience members are still encouraged to starve their pets.
I have barely read the news. Really, only had time for a quick skim. Now I’m aggregating it for a blog so you can repeat what I’m repeating.
Sometimes I feel pretty depressed about my lonely, pathetic life. But then I put things in perspective. I remind myself that I live in Kansas City, and like all things within this metropolitan area, I'm predisposed to inexorable failure. Then I shrug off personal responsibility and resign myself to the next humiliating outrage!
Certain side effects may occur, including flash fingernail growth, inverted hearing, slick jowls, runny mouth, night tinkles, intermittent gulping, frownies, involuntary hooting, double diarrhea, sleep wheezing, greasy palms, diminished magnificence, oral burpies, and RAGE!
Country Hasn't Yet Realized It's More About "Celebrity Pride" Than Anything Else
Did you know there was a President between Teddy Roosevelt and William Howard Taft? This is the true story of America's forgotten President.
Mac Lethal has released five "Love Potion" mixtapes, but he saved his best recipes for this special Valentine's Day update! Warning: These potions are pretty bitter.
Mike Tyson has recovered the mansion he abandoned in 1990 and is putting it to good use this Valentine's Day as a Sybaris romantic suites getaway.
You're fired. All of you.
Oh no he PresiDIDNT. Yes, I am afraid he did (1) disrespect the flag and our troops (2) insult world leaders (3) demean america (4) wear sandals with no socks on a sidewalk.
Expert Analysis on the Big Game by an Expert Analyzer.
Honestly, I thought quicksand was made up for the movies. I didn't think it was real, just as I didn't think Apple would really release a tablet without an integrated stylus for handwriting recognition or some sort of unique operating system that would take full advantage of the device's capabilities.
Famed and deceased science fiction author J.G. Ballard stops by to write about the sweeping Toyota recall. Erotically.
2009 was a bad year in my war against raccoons. Now I must use the long winter to recover and prepare for next year's battles.
You might think the new series Spartacus: Blood And Sand is a mix between the slow-motion green-screened bare-chested violence of 300, the cgi blood from the 2008 installment of Rambo and the, well, everything else of HBO's Rome minus the good writing and acting and historical accuracy.
Poors are multiplying at a suspicious rate. What might they be planning? We must act to prevent them from taking over.
These gently-used robots need a new home. Will it be yours?
As you are well aware, your dog Hairbank is a hideous, ungodly thing. He is a beast of unbridled malevolence and the monster that stares back from the abyss. Everything about his appearance and behavior stands in perverted defiance to the noble standards Kennel Fair seeks to uphold and champion.
Over the last ten years, Urban Dictionary has become the internet’s most trusted source for street slang, retarded inside jokes and non-existent sexual terminology. This week, Jed Kirchner and David Thorpe delve into its murky to uncover the worst of the bad.
Cute Iraqi checkpoint with a few extra pounds is looking for a bomb, preferably strapped to your chest, but in the trunk is okay. Weird British contraption not working. Please don't blow up!
In 1963, thirteen special edition Bazooka Joe comics were printed. Aimed at a more mature audience, the titillating comics caught the attention of angry parents but did little to increase the sale of stale gum.
ESPN recently spliced clips from The Edge Of Darkness with footage from NFL playoff games, which didn't make much sense. However, when the segment's title "Edge Of Darkness: Edge Of A Championship" appeared, it made even less sense.
Chili's Grill & Bar family restaurant undertakes a study to assess the readiness level of all franchises in the event of global nuclear war.
Farewell, my black balloons.
Cycnus Station is dangerously overstaffed, creating a volatile "too many cooks in the kitchen" environment. In an effort to ensure safety, we have decided to reduce Cycnus Station personnel to one. By way of impartial lottery, we have chosen Resident #012 to oversee every facet of Cycnus Station maintenance and operation for the next three years.
On January 16th, 2010, Excursion experienced a catastrophic failure during the launch process, resulting in the complete explosive disintegration of the craft shortly after takeoff. This document, as ordered by the NASA Accountability and Safety Agency (hereafter referred to as "NASA"), seeks to outline the cause or causes of this tragedy.
Don't be so quick to judge Cardinals slugger Mark McGwire for his steroid use and freakish, droopy neck folds. Maybe there's a perfectly good explanation for those neck folds!
There was Elric The Just's golden turtleneck, next to Balhaut's feared snowman-and-reindeer fleece, and across from them hung Lord Wesdrake's blessed striped sweater, with the wide elastic band at the bottom that made everything above it appear balloon-like. A finer collection of noteworthy sweaters had never been assembled in one location.
Media hero Anderson Cooper is finally thanked by one of the dead children he has crouched beside.
Learn how to kick those wimpy, "traditional" prayers to the curb with some truly sacred showboating.
The Condor is a majestic bird, but it is not suited for home life.
Not sure about you guys, but I spent a large part of mine fakin' The 'Betes.
We go hands-on with Donald Hines' 9/11-inspired love robot Roxxxy on the floor of the Adult Entertainment Expo. How realistic can modern sex robots get? Find out!
In the 1930's, egg saving was one of the four college degrees women were able to obtain. Now with the average egg costing around 12 cents, it is important for people to start saving eggs whenever possible. Here are 55 helpful tips to help you start savings pennies.
Open up your phone book and you're sure to see a few unlicensed cartoon characters, most likely in ads run by companies with names that start in "AAA" or "ABC" to appeal to people that make decisions based solely upon the alphabet.
Reality TV personality and lesbian widow Tila Tequila collects the horror of her thoughts for future use in a compilation called a commonplace book.
Yet another update from Egypt's largest employer.
In general, we tend to treat animals with respect. They provide us with meat, synthesize milk for us, and even ferry us to and fro. Unfortunately, there are some corporations out there that love to exploit our animal friends. One of these corporations is the giant, life-devouring entity known as the Bradford Exchange.
Following the leaking of recent security directives, airport security gets another improvement with all new directives from the TSA.
I made a vow to import every Final Fantasy game from that point forward. True, I didn't (and still don't) understand Japanese, but Final Fantasy transcends language, like a Charlie Chaplin film or a book.
Start the new year off right with our definitive 2010 list of the ten best party schools. Time to find some bros and some sexy babes and get crazy!